Another chance to speak of him

Yesterday I went to the mall to have my eyebrows threaded. I normally do them myself, but they needed some professional attention.

I lay down on the table and Meenu, the woman doing my eyebrows, saw my necklace, picked it up and asked what it was. I think she saw the side with the baby feet. She asked what it was for and I replied that my son was stillborn and I wear the necklace for him. She just said something like "that's nice" and started getting the stuff ready. I figured she just didn't hear me and was going to leave it at that. I guess it then sank in what I said and she asked me what I said. I said that my son was stillborn, so I wear the necklace in his memory. Then she asked what I meant, so I said that my son wasn't alive when he was born. She stopped and just looked at me for a moment, then she said how sorry she was, at least 5 times. She didn't seem embarrassed that I had had to repeat it so many times, and then explain what I meant, but I didn't care. She just kept saying how terrible it was. I said that he was born 10 months ago and we got to hold him and take pictures. She asked if we knew what happened. I didn't want to get into the whole amniotic band syndrome explanation, so I just said we think there was a cord accident (which the bands likely caused). 

Then she told me that her mother gave birth to 6 girls and 3 of them died. I think 2 of them were stillborn and the third died at 3 months because she had chicken pox. I asked if her Mom named the stillborn babies and she said no, that it wasn't really done back then. I said that I didn't know how her Mom did it, losing one (I didn't tell her about my miscarriages) was enough, I couldn't even imagine surviving three babies lost so late. She said that back then, they just kept trying again. Then she said that there are only 2 left, so I don't know what happened to the other sister. 

Then she told me that when she was 7 months pregnant, she was married to a jerk who pushed her down the stairs and she almost lost the baby. She was in the hospital bleeding for 3 days, but then the bleeding stopped and she carried the baby to full-term and she is now 8 (and she separated from the jerk husband 3 years ago). 

She finished and I went to find Ted and told him what happened and how much I liked talking about him.

A little later, we ran into the minister (Rev. Mike) from my church and his wife, Yvonne. Rev. Mike was amazing when I was in the hospital and then he helped alot with the funeral home too. One time I was crying at church, 3 months after Jacob was born and I had just worked in the nursery that morning and saw pregnant women everywhere, and Yvonne saw me and came over and hugged me for awhile. We talked for a few minutes in the mall and I brought up the subject of Laurie's baby, saying that we are waiting for the baby to come. I saw a quick look go over their faces, I don't know if it was surprise that I could just say that without breaking down or if it brought Jacob more prominently into their thoughts. Either way, I liked it. 

Laurie, Ben and Mom and Dad came over last night. I'm surprised at how well I handle seeing Laurie's belly now. I can't see her bare belly, but I don't feel like I'm being swallowed into a black pit when I see it anymore, which I am really glad about. I am very careful not to touch it when we hug though. I had to stay away from her for a little while when she was at the 5-6 month stage, but it hasn't been too bad since then. Ted told me after they left that when I had gone upstairs for a few minutes, Mom reached over and rubbed Laurie's belly. I don't know if they didn't think he could see or if they didn't think it would bother him, but it did and he felt really sad after.

Today Ted and I went to church. We went by Jacob's garden of course, standing there for a few minutes in the rain. We then went back inside for tea/coffee. Towards to the end, my Mom was talking to 2 of her friends/acquaintances. She introduced Ted and I to the one we didn't know, Elsie. She pointed in the direction of the garden and it sounded like she asked if there was a baby over there. I looked over to see if there was, but couldn't see anyone over there. Then I thought she might have confused me with Laurie and thought that I had a baby there. Then my Mom asked if she meant in the garden (it is weird to write that....does she mean the baby in the garden...my baby is in the garden...how is that possible?) and Elsie said yes. I said that yes, that is my baby in the garden and she pulled me towards her and hugged me and said "God Bless You". I was surprised that she said anything, and I loved it. I told her how nice it was that she did, that I really liked it. I love that Mom has told all her church friends. After she left, Ted said that my face was red and asked if I was OK. I was. When someone mentions my baby and shows that they care and they are sorry, I'm always OK. 

April 9, 2010 - My first ultrasound

My first ultrasound was supposed to be on April 8th. We got home from work the night of the 7th and there was a message that the ultrasound tech wouldn't be in the next day, so we could come in on the 9th at 2:30 instead. I was disappointed as I couldn't wait to see the baby.

I have some emails that I sent and received on the 8th. I told my sister Jessie that I still didn't feel that great in the afternoon/night and I liked to get home right after work before I felt worse. Jessie said that she told her work colleagues about the baby. She said had been waiting for the 3 month mark, but it had been hard. I told her that I was kind of nervous about telling my boss because I had only been in the department for 8 months, even though I'd been with the same company for 12 years.

April 9, 2010 was such a great day.  Unfortunately Ted couldn't come to the ultrasound, so I took a late lunch and went on my own. 

I went to the ultrasound clinic at Yonge & Eglinton where I had been before. I liked the guy who does the ultrasounds. He let me see the screen the whole time he was doing the ultrasound, which I later discovered was unusual. It was so amazing when I saw Jacob on the screen. As he put the wand on my belly, I stared at the screen and suddenly, there was my baby. I don't think I can even describe the feeling. It was somewhere between disbelief and sheer joy. Any problems or concerns I had melted away when I saw my little baby moving all over the place. He was so active and was moving around constantly. He was moving his arms up and down, moving his legs up and down and kept stretching his neck by pushing his head back. I'm pretty sure I saw him open his mouth too. He just took my breath away.

This ultrasound was for the IPS screening. When it was done, the tech (I think his name is Mario), started filling out the form. When he got to the part that asked how many fetuses there were,  he wrote one and then said to me "you just saw one, right?" I said that I thought so. Then he said he had a few minutes before his next patient, so he could scan me some more if I wanted so I could watch the baby for a few minutes. I loved him for that. I could have watched Jacob moving all day. He gave me two pictures.

I got the form and walked next door to get the bloodwork portion done. I was worried when I saw his neck measurement was 2.9. Anything under 3.0 is considered normal. but 2.9 was so close to the cutoff point. On the subway on the way back to work, I kept staring at the pictures. I was totally and completely in love.  I put the pictures in a book in my purse and carried them around for weeks, looking at them several times a day. I went to the lunchroom and called Ted to come there. He came in and we stared and stared at our beautiful baby. Our little miracle.

We decided to tell Phil, our mutual friend and colleague. So we called her and told her to come to the lunchroom. When she walked in, I had his pictures on a newspaper and told her to come over to look at something. She noticed the ultrasound pictures right away and hugged both of us and was really excited.

When I look back on my life, this was one of the best days. I got to see my baby for the first time. I felt pure happiness.

Aching

Today my heart is aching for the belly I once had.

Last night I was looking through the blog posts I wrote in June and came across a picture of my belly at 18.5 weeks. I just stared and stared at it. I got Ted to look and said that I couldn’t believe I was so big. How could the baby growing in there at that time (still alive) now be gone? If you asked me when I was the happiest, in my life, it was when my belly was that big. I could feel Jacob kicking, I was visibly pregnant and I was/am married to the man of my dreams. I had/have a wonderful family, wonderful parents, wonderful sisters, a wonderful nephew. I had so much to look forward to, and I was enjoying and cherishing every single day at the same time. We were worried about the ultrasound results and Jacob’s left leg, but I figured that at the worst, he would need an operation to correct his foot. The happiness was all-consuming. I can’t imagine ever being that happy again, no matter how many more times I’m pregnant, no matter how many living babies I get to carry in my arms. One will always be missing.

Now I am left aching with empty arms, a broken heart and a flat (ish) belly.

Reassurance

I was at Laurie’s house last night and out of the blue, she asked if we should do something for Jacob’s first birthday. It means so much to me that she did! No one in my family has asked about it yet, although I think I may have mentioned it to someone. I forget who I’ve said what to. So I told Laurie that I had been thinking about a picnic at the local park and maybe a balloon release (with messages written on the balloons) or something. But I worry that the balloons would eventually hurt an animal when they fall back to the ground. I said maybe we could blow bubbles (which we have done before at the garden). She said that we could have a BBQ at my house or her house and plant a garden for him at either spot. I LOVE that she wants a place in her backyard that is made for Jacob. She also said that if we do it at my house, it is like there is part of the house that is just for him, since he never got to live in the house (that we bought because he was on his way). I called her later and told her how much I loved what she said, how much I love that she would like a spot dedicated to Jacob in her backyard. I love that her boys would play in the backyard and know that the flowers in a certain spot are for their cousin.

We started talking about that idea. I said I’ve imagined putting a bench in my backyard and making a little spot for Jacob there. She suggested throwing some wild flower seeds on the ground at his birthday BBQ and we would just see if they grow. I think I’ll make cupcakes too. I don’t know what else. I could make a stepping stone with his name engraved, but I want to do something every year (although subsequent years probably won’t be a big family gathering like the first birthday will be) so I don’t want to use up all the garden ideas the first year.

His birthday is on a Wednesday and I really want to do something on the exact day rather than the weekend before. So I have to decide soon so that my family can book a day off work. A picnic or BBQ is what I have pictured all along, since shortly after he was born. And I’m still trying to decide. I don’t want it to be a really happy occasion and maybe a picnic or BBQ is too happy. But the other option is staying in bed all day and crying, which will probably take up some part of the day regardless, and spending some time at the garden. We’ll be at the garden no matter what, the question is what we do there. I think we could have a get together and then head down to the garden and blow bubbles. Ben would love that and since it is something we’ve done at the garden before, it just seems to fit. I think I will also go to the hospital that morning and drop off some memory boxes for the next families. I don’t know if I can do that though. Will I be strong enough? My heart starts beating fast just thinking about walking down that hall again and being near that room again (although I have been back since and feel the pull to go again).

Laurie said that she always thinks about Jacob and that just because she and the others don’t say anything, especially on his anniversaries, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t thinking about him. She worries that it is hard when she talks about him, but I told her it is never hard when he is mentioned. Tears might fill my eyes, but hearing someone say his name and say that they miss him is just what I need to hear. I know it is especially hard for her right now as she is pregnant and knows all to well what can happen. I try not to talk about baby loss stuff around her too much, but sometimes I catch myself doing just that and stop myself.

I left her house feeling reassured. Reassured that they still think about him too. Maybe even everyday. One of the greatest gifts is to know that he hasn't been, and never will be, forgotten.

April 3, 2010

April 3, 2010 - Belly picture at 12 weeks. I miss that belly.

Nurses Grieve Too

I found this video link on a nurses blog. I was shocked at the first scene. It is filmed at the hospital where Jacob was born. The first scene is the hallway where I waited for the ultrasound to confirm whether or not he was alive. There is a woman in a purple shirt leaning on the wall. That is where I stood.
The hallway in front of her is the hallway that leads to the ultrasound rooms. The hallway where the man in white is walking goes to the doors that lead into Labour and Delivery.

I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach when I saw this first scene and I realized it was filmed at that hospital and my heart beat fast for an hour afterwards.

I love this video though. I love knowing that nurses are touched by our losses too.

http://vimeo.com/18714302

April 1 - the past and the present.

Today is Jacob's 10 month anniversary. It has been tough so far. If I'm not actually crying, the tears are just below the surface.

It is also one year ago today that I had my first appointment with Dr. A for Jacob's pregnancy. I never would have guessed that I would be in my current position then.

We took the day off work and drove to Oakville for the appointment.

At that first appointment, I got the basic package that pregnant women get. Information on what you can and can't eat, and what pills you can and can't take. There was information about pre-natal classes, cord blood storage and a chart to record kick counts when the time came (which it never did). There was also a form to fill out for the hospital for when I was admitted on what foods I don't like. I never did fill out the form, I was waiting to do it when I was further along. I also got all of my appointment times until the due date. Every month until August, then every 2 weeks until mid-September, and then every week after that. I still have the card that they are written on, of course.

Jan told me that I would go and do the urine test each time I came in. So I did it and waited to be called in. I felt special sitting there, finally one of the pregnant women.

Then we were put in the room and Ted took some pictures.

I was happy and full of hope. This is the only exam room at her office that I can go into now. She has 2 and the other one is where she couldn't find Jacob's heartbeat. I told them I can't be in that other room again.


The "good" room is where I waited for the autopsy results at my 6 week post partum appointment. It is where we went when we found out that Cub was gone. It is where I went again after waiting a week to lose Cub naturally and wanted the misoprostal afterall. This room has good and bad memories. Although the bad memories in this room are painful, I just can't face the other room again. The "good" room is also where I heard Jacob's heartbeat for the first time. That memory trumps all others.


I remembering hearing some kids from a local school outside playing a game. Dr. A came in the room, she seemed so happy for us, saying congratulations while putting her hand on my knee. We went over the usual questions about our health and she said that this was her first October baby. She had referred me to a fertility clinic in January to do follicle studies ultrasounds because no regular ultrasound clinic in Toronto did it. The appointment was for February 19th. When I found out I was pregnant, I called and cancelled it. I told Dr. A this at the first appointment, saying that someone would probably be really happy to get the time slot and she said it was  nice that I did that. I didn't think it made sense for me to go in.
She asked if we wanted to do the IPS screening and I said that we did, so she gave me the requisitions. We asked about an amnio because of my age and she said I could have one, but that she has alot of patients in their 40s who don't get it. We decided not to. The 1 in 200 chance of losing the baby was too scary.

Then she said that she would try to find the baby's heartbeat, but that it often can't be heard with the doppler at 12 weeks, so not to worry if she can't find it. I really, really wanted to hear it, of course, but she couldn't find it after trying for a few minutes. It was disappointing, but I didn't leave there worried. She didn't look worried and had told us ahead of time that she might not be able to find it. If that happened now, I'd beg for an ultrasound that day.

Overall it was a good day. I felt like I would be well cared for there. We were excited and couldn't wait for everything that was to come.

Last night was the first Face2Face meeting in Toronto and it was so nice to connect with other baby loss Mom's in person. We all got along well, we all told our stories and there was alot of tears. The waitress came up while I was telling Jacob's story and everyone was crying. It made us all laugh though, how brave she was to walk up to a table of 5 crying women.

I told his story twice last night. I met with Kaki for dinner and told her, and heard about her sweet daughter Isla. Then I told it again when the whole group got together. It's strange. I never know what is going to happen when I start telling it. Will I lay out all the facts with no tears or will I cry my way through it? Last night I was at a loss for words. I had a lot of pauses while telling them about Jacob and I hated that I wasn't crying. But then I started to describe his adorable right foot, his lips, his nose, his eyes, his shoulders. Then I said how much I worry that I didn't kiss him enough, that I didn't tell him I love him enough, that I didn't rock him enough and the tears came. I couldn't talk for a minute because of it. I know I did all those things, I just wish I could have done them for the rest of his life. I said how bad I feel when I leave the garden. I feel like he is cold and lonely and scared of the dark and his Mommy isn't helping him.

I took the GO train home with Jackie and had a really good talk, as I always do with her. I got home and felt pretty good. I usually do after talking to baby loss Mom's. Then I went in the closet to figure out what I would wear the next day and picked out the shirt that I wore a year ago today. Then I realized it, started crying and have felt bad ever since. It seems that the 10 month anniversary is worse than the 9 month.

I am very sad today.