I have been doing a lot better lately with seeing and holding my baby nephew. I can hold him without tears. I can talk to him and kiss his head without tears. I am always comparing, always thinking about what I've missed with Jacob, but it is easier.
I dropped by Laurie's tonight and she was giving Danny a bath in the kitchen. She was talking to him and he was loving it. She picked him up, wrapped him in a towel and headed for the bedroom to dress him. I thought she would nurse him as well and I just didn't feel up to seeing that. She called me to come, but I said that it was OK and I stood in the kitchen staring at the baby tub full of water and pictured a 2 month old Jacob in it and started crying. And cried and cried and cried.
I pulled myself together and went into the bedroom and talked to him while she put his diaper on and dressed him. Then I held him while she did some laundry. I was ok doing all that. But the thought of that bathtub brought back the "what-could-have-beens". I left shortly after. On the way home, I thought of the time we did bathe Jacob. His little, lifeless body. There was no smiling and animated talking. No trying to get him to smile back at us and laugh. There was soaking in every second because we knew we didn't have long with him. There were tears and worrying about his delicate skin. I am so glad I got to give him 2 baths, I'm just sad I couldn't give him hundreds.