Saturday, July 23, 2011


I have been doing a lot better lately with seeing and holding my baby nephew. I can hold him without tears. I can talk to him and kiss his head without tears. I am always comparing, always thinking about what I've missed with Jacob, but it is easier.

I dropped by Laurie's tonight and she was giving Danny a bath in the kitchen. She was talking to him and he was loving it. She picked him up, wrapped him in a towel and headed for the bedroom to dress him. I thought she would nurse him as well and I just didn't feel up to seeing that. She called me to come, but I said that it was OK and I stood in the kitchen staring at the baby tub full of water and pictured a 2 month old Jacob in it and started crying. And cried and cried and cried.

I pulled myself together and went into the bedroom and talked to him while she put his diaper on and dressed him. Then I held him while she did some laundry. I was ok doing all that. But the thought of that bathtub brought back the "what-could-have-beens". I left shortly after. On the way home, I thought of the time we did bathe Jacob. His little, lifeless body. There was no smiling and animated talking. No trying to get him to smile back at us and laugh. There was soaking in every second because we knew we didn't have long with him. There were tears and worrying about his delicate skin. I am so glad I got to give him 2 baths, I'm just sad I couldn't give him hundreds.


Emily said...

This was one thing I didn't get to do with Aidan that I was really upset I didn't push for. I asked the nurse to get me some water to give him a bath and she said "Oh, we don't do that here". I was too tired, and sad, to argue. Now I wish I had. I would have loved to bathe him. Just once.

Violet1122 said...

I catch myself so often these days wishing I had the chance to bathe my other babies, play with them, watch them sleep, listen to them laugh - like I do with their younger brother.

You are so brave to be there with your nephew for moments like those.

I wish you could have been able to give Jacob those hundreds and hundreds of baths, too.

Ausmerican Housewife said...

Evan's bath was interesting too. Even dead he was a challenge to bathe. (How on earth do you bathe a living child!? :p) Snuggling Evan after bathtime was priceless though. He smelled so good (Johnson & Johnson baby smell) and looked at peace in his clean jammies and blankies. So looking forward to your Jacob, August and Cub's baby brother or sister's first bathtime photos and you two being flustered parents trying to to get splashed.

How are you doing this pregnancy btw?

Elaine said...

You are so fortunate to have those memories with Jacob, even though they will never be enough. I am filled with what if's as well and should haves. I wonder if they will ever go away.

Becky said...

I so wish I would have gotten the chance to bathe Liam. No one mentioned it and I don't think I would have had the energy to even bring myself to do it.
What a good memory you get to keep.

Drew's Parents said...

I am so glad that you were able to share those two bath times with Jacob. I remember seeing the pictures of his first bath and tearing up. He was so precious and tiny. Those too few moments with him are so sacred. I agree with are so incredibly brave and strong. You are an amazing sister and aunt. And most importantly, an amazing mother. Big hugs! <3 <3 <3

Rhiannon said...

This is also something I regret not doing with Harper. The thought didn't even cross my mind until it was too late. I so glad that you had this moment with Jacob, it is a special memory that you will always have. <3

fireworksandrainbows said...

We didn't get to bathe Xavier. It never occurred to me to do it.

There will always be regrets, no matter what we did or didn't do. Did I kiss him enough? Why did I let others hold him? I should have been selfish and kept him to myself. I think we are all familiar with these trains of thoughts.

Some times my days are filled with "I wish"