Monday, August 1, 2011

14 months

Today is 14 months since Jacob was born and it hit me hard this morning. I thought about it last night and this morning when I woke up. A few hours later, Ted and I were sitting on the couch and I just started having flashbacks of the hospital and started crying and felt terrible. I told him that we had better go out and do something because I was having flashbacks. I cried a lot while getting ready to go out. It's been awhile since I cried like that.

We went downtown Oakville. We went to the garden and sat for awhile while I cried. Then we collected some dirt over the place he is buried to put in the container Jessie gave me on his first birthday. I've been meaning to get the dirt for awhile, but it worked out well that we did it on an anniversary.

We left the garden since I was just getting sadder there. I got my craving (a breakfast BELT from Tim Horton's, even though I just had cereal 1.5 hours earlier) and went to eat near the lake. A very pregnant woman walked by and it bothered me, even though I'm pregnant. I realized while walking downtown that if I saw Dr. A (which has happened twice there), it would just make the flashbacks worse. Maybe that is my answer about seeing a different OB this time around. 

It is so hot out today. I love hot weather, but it has been too much for me since getting pregnant, since I'm already warmer than usual. We came home and I spoke to a friend. Then I took pictures of an outfit for a 9 month old that would likely fit Jacob now. It was on the bear that my family gave us for Christmas. 

I felt a bit crazy when I was putting it back on the bear after. I pretended I was dressing Jacob and was talking to him as I did. I hesitated to even write that here because I felt so crazy doing it. But what is the difference from talking to him as I walk around the house everyday? 

We are going to a movie this afternoon, just to get out of the house so that I don't dwell too much. There isn't anything that we really want to see (well, Ted wants to see Cowboys and Aliens.....I'm just not up for that). I think we're going to see Crazy, Stupid, Love (I can't wait to see The Help when it comes out this month). 

We went to the cottage last week and it was nice. But Jacob was missing the whole time. While sitting at the lake, I imagined one of us staying in the cottage because he was napping. When we saw the duck with the 3 baby ducks, I imagine pointing them out to Jacob and watching him as he watched them. I imagined taking him in the water and waiting to see if he liked it or not. 

We hiked around a waterfall that we pass on the way to the cottage, called Brooks Falls. We have stopped there many times, but this time I found a metal plate on a rock with a dedication to Wayne Brooks, who lived for 50 or 60 years. Under it was a dedication to Melanie Brooks with one date, June 1, 1996. Oh, it made me sad. I got home and tried to find more information online, but haven't found anything. 

At the falls

Ted's friend and his girlfriend came up for a night. While making dinner, she asked me about Jacob and it was so nice to talk about him. She apologized, worried that she was asking too much but I told her that I like it, that I love to talk about him. 

No trip to the cottage is complete without writing Jacob's name somewhere. I wanted to carve it in a tree, but we didn't have a good tool to do it with. Next time. 

At the end of our stay, my parents and sister, brother-in-law and nephews came. And he was missing. 

Always missing.


Alissa said...

Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry you had a tough day, but I'm glad that you were able to find people and ways to remember Jacob and to keep your mind preoccupied. Those days are rough...and we have no control. Love that you keep one of Jacob's outfits on a bear. So precious!! <3 and hugs to you, sweet friend.

Raquel said...

Thinking of you!! Love the outfit.

I'm glad you got a chance to get away, I know it's hard when you know that someone isn't there physically but he was definately there in your heart!


Violet1122 said...

I'm so sorry about the down days. I don't think there is any way to avoid those... so they are what they are. Which sucks. Sometimes the feeling that someone is missing is overwhelming.

I'm looking forward to your upcoming ultrasound! I pray every day that your newest baby is growing well and everything is just as it should be.

I hope the coming days are a little easier for you!

((Big Hugs))

Drew's Parents said...

Dana, You have been in my heart today (as always). Today has been particularly heavy, and I just wish I could wave a wand to make everything right for you and Ted. I am sorry that Monday was so difficult too. I love that you talked to Jacob when you were dressing his bear. It's hard not to imagine and act out those experiences we missed out on. I would imagine many (most?) of us have done something similar. <3 The dirt from the garden looks beautiful in the butterfly jar. Heartbreaking but beautiful. Missing Jacob along with you, my friend. Love you always!

Anonymous said...

Beautiful pictures Dana...