My doctor's office left me a message at home today, which I got after work. They said that Jacob's chromosomes were normal. So absolutely nothing was wrong with the way he developed. That brings me comfort. It makes me feel like I can grow a healthy baby. Whether or not I can keep one alive remains to be seen.
I don't know if that means the final autopsy result will arrive soon. My doctor is on vacation for a week now so it is another week of waiting before I can call and find out. I should be used to that now. The last time she called me at home, she was leaving to catch a plane and wanted me to get the anatomy ultrasound a week early, so I again had to wait and couldn't ask her my questions. But because of that ultrasound being moved up, I saw Jacob alive one last time. He moved so much and I got an excellent profile picture of him. If I had waited until May 26th for the ultrasound, he likely would have already been dead.
It was nice to come home to that message. It's strange, today at work I thought I should call home and check my messages, but I have done that so many times hoping that she would have called with some results and been disappointed each time, so I didn't bother.
One more piece of the puzzle has been placed.
Our sad ticker
Thursday, July 15, 2010
A glimpse of peace
Dear Jacob,
We had a bit of a scare last night with one of the family cats, but you probably know that. There are 8 cats between all of us and your Grandma and Grandpa had 6 of them for awhile. When I got pregnant, my 2 cats – Oliver and Sadie – went to live there since I couldn’t do the litter (to keep you safe) and your Dad didn’t want to do it (since he doesn't really like having cats in the first place, he 'inherited' them when we moved in together).
Then when Lindsay and Brian went to Ireland, Mom and Dad took their 2 cats – Tri and Peanut- for a few weeks. When it was time to bring them back to Brian, Tri was so happy at Grandma and Grandpa’s that we just couldn’t bring him back. So they took Ocean there instead and he seemed to be doing fine. Until Laurie talked to Brian yesterday afternoon around 4pm and discovered that Ocean had been missing since the night before! Brian said he must have snuck out when he was taking the recycling out. Ocean is all grey and he can easily sneak by you, so we can see how it happened. I don’t think Brian realized he was missing until the next day when he got home from work. Laurie, Jessie, your Dad and I all went there after work to look for him. We really love that little cat. He is so gentle, gets along with everyone and follows everyone around, even Ben who is unpredictable and scary to the other cats since he is only 2.
We really didn’t think that we would find him since he had been gone for so long and he was in a place that he has never been before. I tried to hold out hope that he would get scared and just crouch down somewhere and stay there, especially since Lindsay and Brian live on a very busy street and we were worried that Ocean would try to cross it (he was hit by a car before we adopted him and broke his pelvis).
We all split up to search and your Dad and I starting walking down a driveway between apartment buildings, thinking that Ocean might get mixed up and think that it led back to Lindsay and Brian’s place. We went down the closest one to their building, looking in all the little stairwells. When we got to the back, your Dad looked up and saw Ocean sitting on a fire escape! I couldn’t believe it! I probably wouldn’t have seen him up there at all if your Dad hadn’t been there. The fire escape is all grey, just like Ocean, and he was lying down so your Dad’s height helped in spotting him. I put my bags on the ground and slowly walked up the stairs, talking to him the whole time. He got up and walked through the railing onto the neighbours fence and I worried that he would jump down there. I slowly sat on the stairs, talking to him the whole time and your Dad starting rattling one of my bags, which kind of sounded like a bag that cat treats come in. Ocean slowly walked back over to the steps where I was and I picked him up.
That is when I felt a peace that I haven’t felt in 6 weeks, since losing you. I had forgotten what it felt like, to not feel weighed down with grief. It was a glimpse of what I might actually be able to feel again more often someday. It was good to know that I still have it in me to feel that and gives me hope. If I never feel better than I do now, it would be a pretty hard life and I’m not sure how long I could live like this.
Laurie starting walking up the alley as we walked down towards the apartment and she couldn’t believe it when she saw him in my arms. I worried he would get spooked by all the traffic on Jarvis and I could feel he was nervous, but he didn’t try to get away. We got back, called Jessie to let her know we found him and we just held him and loved him. He loved it. I was holding him like a baby and we were all patting him. Looking back on it now, I realize that I haven’t held a cat like that since losing you and I always used to. It wasn’t painful to do either, I thought it might be since I will never hold you like that again.
Your Dad was the hero last night. If he hadn’t seen Ocean, who knows what would have happened. Would we ever have found him?
Maybe you were the hero too. It has crossed my mind that maybe you had something to do with helping us find him so easily. What were the odds? A cat missing in Toronto for about 18 hours (hmm, the same number of hours that I was in labour). He could have been in one of the backyards and we wouldn’t have found him, he could have left that fire escape, he could have been hit by a car or taken by someone who would have mistreated him. We were in the right place at the right time.
Here is the little guy. He has really round eyes, but he always squints when a picture is taken.
Thank you baby. You saved us all from even more heartache.
Love you forever,
Mom
P.S. I still had a good cry last night, and at work yesterday, because I miss you so much. When we were eating dinner last night, I asked your Dad if he had any sad times yesterday and he said that he did. Every time he sees his tattoo with your name and the little footprints, he has a wave of sadness and said that you will always be his first son. I cry just writing this and I cried at the time. We miss you so, so much. You have no idea how much. Our lives have been shattered by losing you.
I would have been 27 weeks pregnant today.
We had a bit of a scare last night with one of the family cats, but you probably know that. There are 8 cats between all of us and your Grandma and Grandpa had 6 of them for awhile. When I got pregnant, my 2 cats – Oliver and Sadie – went to live there since I couldn’t do the litter (to keep you safe) and your Dad didn’t want to do it (since he doesn't really like having cats in the first place, he 'inherited' them when we moved in together).
Then when Lindsay and Brian went to Ireland, Mom and Dad took their 2 cats – Tri and Peanut- for a few weeks. When it was time to bring them back to Brian, Tri was so happy at Grandma and Grandpa’s that we just couldn’t bring him back. So they took Ocean there instead and he seemed to be doing fine. Until Laurie talked to Brian yesterday afternoon around 4pm and discovered that Ocean had been missing since the night before! Brian said he must have snuck out when he was taking the recycling out. Ocean is all grey and he can easily sneak by you, so we can see how it happened. I don’t think Brian realized he was missing until the next day when he got home from work. Laurie, Jessie, your Dad and I all went there after work to look for him. We really love that little cat. He is so gentle, gets along with everyone and follows everyone around, even Ben who is unpredictable and scary to the other cats since he is only 2.
We really didn’t think that we would find him since he had been gone for so long and he was in a place that he has never been before. I tried to hold out hope that he would get scared and just crouch down somewhere and stay there, especially since Lindsay and Brian live on a very busy street and we were worried that Ocean would try to cross it (he was hit by a car before we adopted him and broke his pelvis).
We all split up to search and your Dad and I starting walking down a driveway between apartment buildings, thinking that Ocean might get mixed up and think that it led back to Lindsay and Brian’s place. We went down the closest one to their building, looking in all the little stairwells. When we got to the back, your Dad looked up and saw Ocean sitting on a fire escape! I couldn’t believe it! I probably wouldn’t have seen him up there at all if your Dad hadn’t been there. The fire escape is all grey, just like Ocean, and he was lying down so your Dad’s height helped in spotting him. I put my bags on the ground and slowly walked up the stairs, talking to him the whole time. He got up and walked through the railing onto the neighbours fence and I worried that he would jump down there. I slowly sat on the stairs, talking to him the whole time and your Dad starting rattling one of my bags, which kind of sounded like a bag that cat treats come in. Ocean slowly walked back over to the steps where I was and I picked him up.
That is when I felt a peace that I haven’t felt in 6 weeks, since losing you. I had forgotten what it felt like, to not feel weighed down with grief. It was a glimpse of what I might actually be able to feel again more often someday. It was good to know that I still have it in me to feel that and gives me hope. If I never feel better than I do now, it would be a pretty hard life and I’m not sure how long I could live like this.
Laurie starting walking up the alley as we walked down towards the apartment and she couldn’t believe it when she saw him in my arms. I worried he would get spooked by all the traffic on Jarvis and I could feel he was nervous, but he didn’t try to get away. We got back, called Jessie to let her know we found him and we just held him and loved him. He loved it. I was holding him like a baby and we were all patting him. Looking back on it now, I realize that I haven’t held a cat like that since losing you and I always used to. It wasn’t painful to do either, I thought it might be since I will never hold you like that again.
Your Dad was the hero last night. If he hadn’t seen Ocean, who knows what would have happened. Would we ever have found him?
Maybe you were the hero too. It has crossed my mind that maybe you had something to do with helping us find him so easily. What were the odds? A cat missing in Toronto for about 18 hours (hmm, the same number of hours that I was in labour). He could have been in one of the backyards and we wouldn’t have found him, he could have left that fire escape, he could have been hit by a car or taken by someone who would have mistreated him. We were in the right place at the right time.
Here is the little guy. He has really round eyes, but he always squints when a picture is taken.
Thank you baby. You saved us all from even more heartache.
Love you forever,
Mom
P.S. I still had a good cry last night, and at work yesterday, because I miss you so much. When we were eating dinner last night, I asked your Dad if he had any sad times yesterday and he said that he did. Every time he sees his tattoo with your name and the little footprints, he has a wave of sadness and said that you will always be his first son. I cry just writing this and I cried at the time. We miss you so, so much. You have no idea how much. Our lives have been shattered by losing you.
I would have been 27 weeks pregnant today.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Some answers, but not THE answer - a long post
Dear Jacob,
Today was a big day. A day that I have been both looking forward to and a day that I have been scared of.
I went back to see Dr. A today for my 6 week post-partum appointment.
It was hard, so hard, walking into her office again. I held it together, meaning I didn't break down sobbing, but just barely. I still cried. When Dad and I got there, Dr. A wasn't there and there were 3 pregnant woman waiting there. I went to the bathroom right away and had a little mini breakdown. Of course, right beside the bathroom is the exam room that I was in when Dr. A couldn't hear your heartbeat and I looked there without even realizing it. Not a good thing to have done.
When I went back to the waiting room, I sat next to a 4 month or so pregnant woman and there were a couple of 8-9 month pregnant women there. I just stared at the floor and somehow stopped the tears. One woman was there with her Mother and I saw the Mother looking at me from time to time. She could tell I was upset, but I'm sure didn't guess that my baby died.
I thought about asking to go and wait in one of the exam rooms and I considered standing in the hall to wait, but I told myself to just stay there, that I could do it. It is like I had to prove it to myself. But, once again put myself in a situation where I feel terrible. I just do it all the time. I guess I somehow like bringing my pain right to the surface sometimes.
Dr. A arrived and said hi to everyone then Jan, her receptionist, starting showing people into the rooms. I think Dr. A just came from the hospital since she was in scrubs, she probably just delivered a baby.
Jan called me in and of course took me to the room where I found out you died. I couldn't step foot into it. I just stood in the doorway and said that I found out that you died in that room and could I please go into the other exam room. She apologized, said she didn't realize and of course I could. I had to wait in the waiting room a bit more though since there was someone in there. Once Dad and I were called in, we just stood there and hugged each other. That was the room that I heard your heartbeat for the first and last time (I only actually heard it once - I didn't even get to listen to it for that long at the 4 month appointment because Dr. A had to run over to the hospital to deliver a baby). I am so scared that I will forget the sound of your heart beating. It was perfect that day, May 3rd. How my life has changed since then.
Dr. A came in and was nice, as always. She asked how we were doing. I said we were coping and she asked if it was getting better. I said it was, a little bit everyday, but there are still just plain bad days. She asked if we were getting counselling, which we aren't, but I told her I talked to a woman from church and that I have been going to online support boards and that has helped me enormously. She mentioned Rev. Mike and how calm and comforting he was. She was there when he was in the room saying a prayer right before you were born. She also thanked me for the letter I wrote to the hospital 4 days after losing you. I found a place for patient comments on the hospital website and said that she was amazing throughout the experience and that 2 of the nurses I had were really good too. The hospital replied, saying they would forward my comments to everyone mentioned. Dr. A thought it was really nice of me to do that, especially considering what I had just been through. I just figured that the hospital administration should know that these 3 people made my experience so much better.
Then we finally got down to what I really wanted to know. She said that my blood work was normal. There was no infection and no clotting disorders. So that is a relief, but she didn't have the autopsy results yet. I was pretty disappointed about that. She did say that the placenta was a little small, but that shouldn't have caused your death. I asked if it could have been an amniotic band that wrapped around your umbilical cord and she thinks it may have been. She said she should have the autopsy results back by 8 weeks, so if I don't hear from her in 2 weeks, I should call her and they will call the hospital to get things moving. She explained that they may be getting someone else to look at everything before doing the final report and they do all the cancer biopsies first, which I totally understand.
The good news is that we can start trying again. She said that she knows I will probably have some anxiety and I said that I would have alot of anxiety. She said that she almost always sees a good outcome after a loss like this, she can't guarantee it of course, but is very hopeful. I had to bring up that I just don't think that I did anything wrong that could have caused you any problems and she said that unless I was a crackwhore, I couldn't have caused anything. I also asked if you would have felt any pain. I was so worried that you might have felt pain. She said she just doesn't know (I like that she is honest). I don't think you did. My Dad found an article in the paper about when babies can start feeling pain in utero and they said it was about 26 weeks, so that had brought me some relief.
She also told me that she had a miscarriage between her 2 kids and that it doesn't matter how early or late a loss is. A loss is a loss and it is all terrible, but that we have all had something terrible happen in our lives. She told us someone was really surprised that she had a miscarriage because she is an OB. We had a little laugh at that, like she is exempt from that sort of thing because she is an OB. I asked how she handled anxiety during pregnancy since she has seen so many bad things. She basically said you just do. She used to be a pediatric nurse before becoming a doctor and she saw a lot of bad things then too.
I don't think she realizes how much I want to know everything, that it bothers me more not to know than to know. I'll have to tell her that next time. I asked what kind of complications could have arisen since you were breech (since it obviously wouldn't effect your survival) and she didn't really say, she just said why think about the bad things that could have happened. I guess it makes me feel a little better to know what worse thing could have happened but didn't.
We asked about whether or not I would be high risk next time and she said there isn't really a reason for me to be since I didn't have diabetes or a clotting disorder or something like that. Of course, if I'm not high-risk, I won't go in to see her more often and I won't get as many ultrasounds. I asked about the ultrasounds and she said that sometimes that can cause more stress than reassurance. I know I would be stressed out before them, just in case the baby was dead so I can see that, but I think I still want them and I told her that. We can work all that out when there is actually a baby on the way though.
After we asked all our questions, she hugged me. She didn't examine me to make sure my cervix is closed or anything.
I have to take 5mg of folic acid from now until the end of my 3rd trimester and she gave a bunch of free samples and said that she hopes to see me soon (I hope so too since that would mean that I'm pregnant) and that I can call her if I need anything.
After that appointment, I don't even know how I felt. Relieved that I don't have a clotting disorder or some other problem, but unsatisfied too. Of course, I always feel unsatisfied these days. I am empty because you aren't with me, I will never hold you in my arms again. I wonder if this empty feeling will ever decrease so that I don't feel so incredibly empty all the time.
After leaving her office, we drove to the church to visit you in the garden. It is Vacation Bible School this week though so there were a bunch of kids in the garden and we couldn't really go in and start crying. I liked seeing the kids run around there, close to where you are buried. We went into the church and saw my Mom and sister Laurie, who are volunteering there and told them what happened. Then Dad and I walked by the lake and back to the church, around the downtown and back to the church again. I saw Rev Mike's wife and she asked how we are doing. I told her about the appointment and how Dr. A mentioned Mike and I asked how his knee surgery went. Then we went upstairs and saw Shirley and Rev. Jacquie, who I have never actually met before, but Mom told me that she looked really sad back in June when she found out that you died. We shook hands with her and she looked sad - she didn't say anything, but I could tell by the look on her face that she felt bad for us. We asked Shirley where the book is with your name in it - with all of the names of those who are buried in the garden. The calligrapher hasn't been in yet, so your name isn't there, but at least we know where the book is now.
While we were sitting on a bench near the garden, I saw a butterfly land on some bushes and then fly around the corner to where the garden is. I am always looking for signs of course. Was that from you? How about the little white butterfly that we saw on the path by the lake?
We went to Mom's house for 2 hours and then went to Dr. D (my family doctor) for my appointment. He walked in the room and gently asked what happened to me. I just said "my baby died" and started crying. I didn't cry for long, but my voice was pretty husky for awhile. I went through what happened and he said how sorry he was a few times and how it was just terrible. He said when he started seeing the reports that Dr. A was sending to him, he felt so badly ( why he didn't call then...). I told him how you had amniotic band syndrome and said that I know it is rare. He said that he has delivered over 1000 babies and has never seen it. Lucky us. He kept asking if I was sleeping OK, which I am most of the time, but there are bad nights where sleep doesn't come easily. I think he wanted to give me something to help me sleep, but I don't want anything. He asked if I was depressed. I said yes (of course) but not clinically. He told me how his sister had 2 miscarriages with her first and second pregnancies and she thought she would never be able to have a baby, but now she has 3 healthy adult children. I love hearing stories like that.
I saw on the computer that he had some reports about you - a preliminary autopsy summary, another general report about you and a pathology report. I asked for copies of all of them and having them has actually made me feel a little better. I need to see these things and read them over again and again.
They didn't really tell me anything that Dr. A didn't, but it confirmed the diagnosis of amniotic band syndrome, said that there was evidence of abruption (shouldn't that make me high risk next time - I have to ask Dr. A about that), no sign of infection and that there was 'fetal demise'. One of them also said that tissue has been sent to another hospital for further analysis, so I guess that is what Dr. A is waiting so that she gets a full, final autopsy report. I really wanted to know when your autopsy was done and now I know. It was on June 2 at 2:15pm. It also said that other than the amniotic bands, you were 'normal morphologically on external and internal examination".
Overall, I'm glad I got some answers. I don't really expect to get more. I felt terrible most of the day though.
I just want you baby. I tell myself to be grateful that you won't have a lifetime of suffering. I am grateful for that. It would have been pure hell watching you suffer everyday and not be able to do anything about it. We just don't know how much damage the amniotic bands would have done.
I'm not asking why this happened to me. Why not me? But I do want to know why this happened to you, my wonderful, innocent baby who did not deserve this. You deserve to live a good life just like everyone, but you didn't get it. I'm really trying to believe that you are better off where you are, that you are happy and healthy and that you will never feel any physical or emotional pain.
I am so mad that there were bands in the first place.
I'm sorry I couldn't save you. So, so sorry.
Love,
Mom
Today was a big day. A day that I have been both looking forward to and a day that I have been scared of.
I went back to see Dr. A today for my 6 week post-partum appointment.
It was hard, so hard, walking into her office again. I held it together, meaning I didn't break down sobbing, but just barely. I still cried. When Dad and I got there, Dr. A wasn't there and there were 3 pregnant woman waiting there. I went to the bathroom right away and had a little mini breakdown. Of course, right beside the bathroom is the exam room that I was in when Dr. A couldn't hear your heartbeat and I looked there without even realizing it. Not a good thing to have done.
When I went back to the waiting room, I sat next to a 4 month or so pregnant woman and there were a couple of 8-9 month pregnant women there. I just stared at the floor and somehow stopped the tears. One woman was there with her Mother and I saw the Mother looking at me from time to time. She could tell I was upset, but I'm sure didn't guess that my baby died.
I thought about asking to go and wait in one of the exam rooms and I considered standing in the hall to wait, but I told myself to just stay there, that I could do it. It is like I had to prove it to myself. But, once again put myself in a situation where I feel terrible. I just do it all the time. I guess I somehow like bringing my pain right to the surface sometimes.
Dr. A arrived and said hi to everyone then Jan, her receptionist, starting showing people into the rooms. I think Dr. A just came from the hospital since she was in scrubs, she probably just delivered a baby.
Jan called me in and of course took me to the room where I found out you died. I couldn't step foot into it. I just stood in the doorway and said that I found out that you died in that room and could I please go into the other exam room. She apologized, said she didn't realize and of course I could. I had to wait in the waiting room a bit more though since there was someone in there. Once Dad and I were called in, we just stood there and hugged each other. That was the room that I heard your heartbeat for the first and last time (I only actually heard it once - I didn't even get to listen to it for that long at the 4 month appointment because Dr. A had to run over to the hospital to deliver a baby). I am so scared that I will forget the sound of your heart beating. It was perfect that day, May 3rd. How my life has changed since then.
Dr. A came in and was nice, as always. She asked how we were doing. I said we were coping and she asked if it was getting better. I said it was, a little bit everyday, but there are still just plain bad days. She asked if we were getting counselling, which we aren't, but I told her I talked to a woman from church and that I have been going to online support boards and that has helped me enormously. She mentioned Rev. Mike and how calm and comforting he was. She was there when he was in the room saying a prayer right before you were born. She also thanked me for the letter I wrote to the hospital 4 days after losing you. I found a place for patient comments on the hospital website and said that she was amazing throughout the experience and that 2 of the nurses I had were really good too. The hospital replied, saying they would forward my comments to everyone mentioned. Dr. A thought it was really nice of me to do that, especially considering what I had just been through. I just figured that the hospital administration should know that these 3 people made my experience so much better.
Then we finally got down to what I really wanted to know. She said that my blood work was normal. There was no infection and no clotting disorders. So that is a relief, but she didn't have the autopsy results yet. I was pretty disappointed about that. She did say that the placenta was a little small, but that shouldn't have caused your death. I asked if it could have been an amniotic band that wrapped around your umbilical cord and she thinks it may have been. She said she should have the autopsy results back by 8 weeks, so if I don't hear from her in 2 weeks, I should call her and they will call the hospital to get things moving. She explained that they may be getting someone else to look at everything before doing the final report and they do all the cancer biopsies first, which I totally understand.
The good news is that we can start trying again. She said that she knows I will probably have some anxiety and I said that I would have alot of anxiety. She said that she almost always sees a good outcome after a loss like this, she can't guarantee it of course, but is very hopeful. I had to bring up that I just don't think that I did anything wrong that could have caused you any problems and she said that unless I was a crackwhore, I couldn't have caused anything. I also asked if you would have felt any pain. I was so worried that you might have felt pain. She said she just doesn't know (I like that she is honest). I don't think you did. My Dad found an article in the paper about when babies can start feeling pain in utero and they said it was about 26 weeks, so that had brought me some relief.
She also told me that she had a miscarriage between her 2 kids and that it doesn't matter how early or late a loss is. A loss is a loss and it is all terrible, but that we have all had something terrible happen in our lives. She told us someone was really surprised that she had a miscarriage because she is an OB. We had a little laugh at that, like she is exempt from that sort of thing because she is an OB. I asked how she handled anxiety during pregnancy since she has seen so many bad things. She basically said you just do. She used to be a pediatric nurse before becoming a doctor and she saw a lot of bad things then too.
I don't think she realizes how much I want to know everything, that it bothers me more not to know than to know. I'll have to tell her that next time. I asked what kind of complications could have arisen since you were breech (since it obviously wouldn't effect your survival) and she didn't really say, she just said why think about the bad things that could have happened. I guess it makes me feel a little better to know what worse thing could have happened but didn't.
We asked about whether or not I would be high risk next time and she said there isn't really a reason for me to be since I didn't have diabetes or a clotting disorder or something like that. Of course, if I'm not high-risk, I won't go in to see her more often and I won't get as many ultrasounds. I asked about the ultrasounds and she said that sometimes that can cause more stress than reassurance. I know I would be stressed out before them, just in case the baby was dead so I can see that, but I think I still want them and I told her that. We can work all that out when there is actually a baby on the way though.
After we asked all our questions, she hugged me. She didn't examine me to make sure my cervix is closed or anything.
I have to take 5mg of folic acid from now until the end of my 3rd trimester and she gave a bunch of free samples and said that she hopes to see me soon (I hope so too since that would mean that I'm pregnant) and that I can call her if I need anything.
After that appointment, I don't even know how I felt. Relieved that I don't have a clotting disorder or some other problem, but unsatisfied too. Of course, I always feel unsatisfied these days. I am empty because you aren't with me, I will never hold you in my arms again. I wonder if this empty feeling will ever decrease so that I don't feel so incredibly empty all the time.
After leaving her office, we drove to the church to visit you in the garden. It is Vacation Bible School this week though so there were a bunch of kids in the garden and we couldn't really go in and start crying. I liked seeing the kids run around there, close to where you are buried. We went into the church and saw my Mom and sister Laurie, who are volunteering there and told them what happened. Then Dad and I walked by the lake and back to the church, around the downtown and back to the church again. I saw Rev Mike's wife and she asked how we are doing. I told her about the appointment and how Dr. A mentioned Mike and I asked how his knee surgery went. Then we went upstairs and saw Shirley and Rev. Jacquie, who I have never actually met before, but Mom told me that she looked really sad back in June when she found out that you died. We shook hands with her and she looked sad - she didn't say anything, but I could tell by the look on her face that she felt bad for us. We asked Shirley where the book is with your name in it - with all of the names of those who are buried in the garden. The calligrapher hasn't been in yet, so your name isn't there, but at least we know where the book is now.
While we were sitting on a bench near the garden, I saw a butterfly land on some bushes and then fly around the corner to where the garden is. I am always looking for signs of course. Was that from you? How about the little white butterfly that we saw on the path by the lake?
We went to Mom's house for 2 hours and then went to Dr. D (my family doctor) for my appointment. He walked in the room and gently asked what happened to me. I just said "my baby died" and started crying. I didn't cry for long, but my voice was pretty husky for awhile. I went through what happened and he said how sorry he was a few times and how it was just terrible. He said when he started seeing the reports that Dr. A was sending to him, he felt so badly ( why he didn't call then...). I told him how you had amniotic band syndrome and said that I know it is rare. He said that he has delivered over 1000 babies and has never seen it. Lucky us. He kept asking if I was sleeping OK, which I am most of the time, but there are bad nights where sleep doesn't come easily. I think he wanted to give me something to help me sleep, but I don't want anything. He asked if I was depressed. I said yes (of course) but not clinically. He told me how his sister had 2 miscarriages with her first and second pregnancies and she thought she would never be able to have a baby, but now she has 3 healthy adult children. I love hearing stories like that.
I saw on the computer that he had some reports about you - a preliminary autopsy summary, another general report about you and a pathology report. I asked for copies of all of them and having them has actually made me feel a little better. I need to see these things and read them over again and again.
They didn't really tell me anything that Dr. A didn't, but it confirmed the diagnosis of amniotic band syndrome, said that there was evidence of abruption (shouldn't that make me high risk next time - I have to ask Dr. A about that), no sign of infection and that there was 'fetal demise'. One of them also said that tissue has been sent to another hospital for further analysis, so I guess that is what Dr. A is waiting so that she gets a full, final autopsy report. I really wanted to know when your autopsy was done and now I know. It was on June 2 at 2:15pm. It also said that other than the amniotic bands, you were 'normal morphologically on external and internal examination".
Overall, I'm glad I got some answers. I don't really expect to get more. I felt terrible most of the day though.
I just want you baby. I tell myself to be grateful that you won't have a lifetime of suffering. I am grateful for that. It would have been pure hell watching you suffer everyday and not be able to do anything about it. We just don't know how much damage the amniotic bands would have done.
I'm not asking why this happened to me. Why not me? But I do want to know why this happened to you, my wonderful, innocent baby who did not deserve this. You deserve to live a good life just like everyone, but you didn't get it. I'm really trying to believe that you are better off where you are, that you are happy and healthy and that you will never feel any physical or emotional pain.
I am so mad that there were bands in the first place.
I'm sorry I couldn't save you. So, so sorry.
Love,
Mom
Monday, July 12, 2010
Yesterday, today and tomorrow
Dear Jacob,
As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, Sunday was a hard day. I woke up not feeling too bad, but the heavy cape of sadness slowly lowered itself around me. Dad and I were sitting around most of the morning, I made some banana bread, he did some gardening on the balcony. We took pictures of his tattoo and then put them on the computer.
A few days after you died, Dad went around the house taking pictures of all of the flowers that we received from others. He put the card with your footprints and handprints and the little teddy bear the hospital gave us (that stayed with you for several hours in the little box until we came back) amongst the flowers and took pictures. We added the pictures of his tattoo to these pictures and then Dad played all of the pictures in a slideshow with the song “Butterfly” by Mariah Carey in the background. I just started crying and crying. I can’t believe you are gone.
When it was time to get ready to go to the musical, I tried on a pair of pre-pregnancy pants. Big mistake – why do I do things to torture myself? I couldn’t do them up of course and that just made me cry harder - sobbing crying. Dad offered to help me find something to wear, because he knows that when I’m crying like that, I just get really frustrated, cry harder and can’t really do anything. But I just had to stand there and hug him and cry and cry before we could pick out what to wear. I ended up wearing some capris, but couldn’t even do up the zipper all the way, so I wore a t-shirt that covered up that whole area.
Once I got to the theatre, I met up with Grandma and we went upstairs so she could go to the bathroom. There were 2 other woman waiting up there, sitting in some chairs. Of course, one of them was pregnant – about 6.5-7 months along I’m guessing. Very close to where I should be. I started crying all over again. I walked away from them and stood staring at a wall and the tears just poured down my face. I knew that my shoulders were shaking and I wondered if they were watching me. I was so miserable. We bought these tickets in December, before I was even pregnant. When we found out I was pregnant at the beginning of February, I occasionally pictured going to the musical with my big belly, thinking that it would be one of the last ones I would go to for awhile. There I was, no baby in my belly, feeling really empty and no one around me knowing it. I really wanted to ask that woman how far along she was and tell her to appreciate every single second. That she could easily have been me but she got lucky (and I hope she stays that way).
When the musical started, there were about 10 young women on the stage, dancing and jumping around. What did I think? I wondered how many of them would lose their babies. I am so pessimistic about that these days. I am very hopeful that I will get pregnant soon, but I am so pessimistic about pregnancy producing a living, healthy baby now. I did start to enjoy myself a little, which surprised me. I had my moments, but once I had something else to focus on, it was good. I had to tell myself a few times to actually pay attention to what was going on though, to not totally waste the money I had spent to be there.
During the intermission, I stood up to stretch my legs. Who else did that? The same pregnant woman I saw earlier. She was sitting in the row in front of me and a little to the right, just so that I could have the perfect view of her belly.
Life just sucks sometimes (ok, most of the time these days).
We went out for dinner after with Antoinette, Phil and her kids. I haven’t seen Phil since losing you, but did talk to her on the phone once. She is one of the people I thought would call or come see me at work, but she didn’t (apparently she planned to, but never did). Anyway, no one mentioned anything about you and I hated that, so I brought you up in passing. They were talking about one of the students who is working with us for the summer and how nice he is. He is about 20, I pretty much only know him to say Hi, but when we lost you, he sought your Dad out and said how sorry he was to hear about our loss and asked how I was. I was surprised by this at the time, and touched. So I told everyone how he did that when we lost you. They went on saying how nice he is, but didn’t say anything about you again.
On the subway on the way home, I heard some girls talking. They were in their late teens and were talking about the future, which of course involved kids. One said that by the time she is 25, she would be pregnant or already have a kid. Little do they know. I remember thinking like that at that age, never even having it occur to me that I could lose my baby. Life was so much easier at that time, with that little bit of innocence about these things. How I wish I could still think like that, just assume that everything will work out. I always knew that bad things could happen during pregnancy. Grandma was a nurse and told us some really sad stories. But I never thought I would lose my baby after I passed 12 weeks.
I just had one of those moments where I thought I was still pregnant. I have a headache and just realized that I wasn’t taking anything for it because of you. Guess I’ll go take some pain reliever now. I hate that I can.
I think I was also more emotional yesterday because Monday and Tuesday were looming (although today hasn’t been too bad yet) and because my 6 week post-partum appointment with Dr. A is tomorrow morning. I am nervous about being in that office again, where she couldn’t hear your heartbeat. I am scared that they will have found no reason for your death. I assume that that is the case though, since she hasn’t called me with any results.
Can you give us some strength tomorrow Jacob? I could really use it.
As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, Sunday was a hard day. I woke up not feeling too bad, but the heavy cape of sadness slowly lowered itself around me. Dad and I were sitting around most of the morning, I made some banana bread, he did some gardening on the balcony. We took pictures of his tattoo and then put them on the computer.
A few days after you died, Dad went around the house taking pictures of all of the flowers that we received from others. He put the card with your footprints and handprints and the little teddy bear the hospital gave us (that stayed with you for several hours in the little box until we came back) amongst the flowers and took pictures. We added the pictures of his tattoo to these pictures and then Dad played all of the pictures in a slideshow with the song “Butterfly” by Mariah Carey in the background. I just started crying and crying. I can’t believe you are gone.
When it was time to get ready to go to the musical, I tried on a pair of pre-pregnancy pants. Big mistake – why do I do things to torture myself? I couldn’t do them up of course and that just made me cry harder - sobbing crying. Dad offered to help me find something to wear, because he knows that when I’m crying like that, I just get really frustrated, cry harder and can’t really do anything. But I just had to stand there and hug him and cry and cry before we could pick out what to wear. I ended up wearing some capris, but couldn’t even do up the zipper all the way, so I wore a t-shirt that covered up that whole area.
Once I got to the theatre, I met up with Grandma and we went upstairs so she could go to the bathroom. There were 2 other woman waiting up there, sitting in some chairs. Of course, one of them was pregnant – about 6.5-7 months along I’m guessing. Very close to where I should be. I started crying all over again. I walked away from them and stood staring at a wall and the tears just poured down my face. I knew that my shoulders were shaking and I wondered if they were watching me. I was so miserable. We bought these tickets in December, before I was even pregnant. When we found out I was pregnant at the beginning of February, I occasionally pictured going to the musical with my big belly, thinking that it would be one of the last ones I would go to for awhile. There I was, no baby in my belly, feeling really empty and no one around me knowing it. I really wanted to ask that woman how far along she was and tell her to appreciate every single second. That she could easily have been me but she got lucky (and I hope she stays that way).
When the musical started, there were about 10 young women on the stage, dancing and jumping around. What did I think? I wondered how many of them would lose their babies. I am so pessimistic about that these days. I am very hopeful that I will get pregnant soon, but I am so pessimistic about pregnancy producing a living, healthy baby now. I did start to enjoy myself a little, which surprised me. I had my moments, but once I had something else to focus on, it was good. I had to tell myself a few times to actually pay attention to what was going on though, to not totally waste the money I had spent to be there.
During the intermission, I stood up to stretch my legs. Who else did that? The same pregnant woman I saw earlier. She was sitting in the row in front of me and a little to the right, just so that I could have the perfect view of her belly.
Life just sucks sometimes (ok, most of the time these days).
We went out for dinner after with Antoinette, Phil and her kids. I haven’t seen Phil since losing you, but did talk to her on the phone once. She is one of the people I thought would call or come see me at work, but she didn’t (apparently she planned to, but never did). Anyway, no one mentioned anything about you and I hated that, so I brought you up in passing. They were talking about one of the students who is working with us for the summer and how nice he is. He is about 20, I pretty much only know him to say Hi, but when we lost you, he sought your Dad out and said how sorry he was to hear about our loss and asked how I was. I was surprised by this at the time, and touched. So I told everyone how he did that when we lost you. They went on saying how nice he is, but didn’t say anything about you again.
On the subway on the way home, I heard some girls talking. They were in their late teens and were talking about the future, which of course involved kids. One said that by the time she is 25, she would be pregnant or already have a kid. Little do they know. I remember thinking like that at that age, never even having it occur to me that I could lose my baby. Life was so much easier at that time, with that little bit of innocence about these things. How I wish I could still think like that, just assume that everything will work out. I always knew that bad things could happen during pregnancy. Grandma was a nurse and told us some really sad stories. But I never thought I would lose my baby after I passed 12 weeks.
I just had one of those moments where I thought I was still pregnant. I have a headache and just realized that I wasn’t taking anything for it because of you. Guess I’ll go take some pain reliever now. I hate that I can.
I think I was also more emotional yesterday because Monday and Tuesday were looming (although today hasn’t been too bad yet) and because my 6 week post-partum appointment with Dr. A is tomorrow morning. I am nervous about being in that office again, where she couldn’t hear your heartbeat. I am scared that they will have found no reason for your death. I assume that that is the case though, since she hasn’t called me with any results.
Can you give us some strength tomorrow Jacob? I could really use it.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Tattoo!
Dear Jacob,
Your Dad got his tattoo yesterday and I love it. We have been talking about getting tattoos since you died but we hadn't really said when we would do it. Yesterday we went downtown, stopped by the gallery to visit Aunty Jessie and then left to go to an art show. Your Dad mentioned that we should go to Queen St instead and look into tattoos. I thought he just meant to look at some of the tattoo places and maybe get a design, but he actually wanted to get one. We stopped at the first place we saw, called Adrenaline, and it seemed like a good, safe place. We designed the tattoo and waited for our turn. I have to admit, I was pretty nervous. Neither of us have any tattoos and I started worrying that your Dad might contract some disease or infection by doing it. I knew I was being silly, but I worry about these things. I asked about their procedures to ensure that doesn't happen and was satisfied with their answers and started to feel calmer about the whole thing.
It didn't take too long for the tattoo to be done and your Dad was brave. It hurt, I could see it that it did and I felt bad for him. I had a glimpse of how he felt when he was watching me in labour, during the very worst part of the pain, and he couldn't do anything other than hold my hand. He told me how helpless he had felt. I also got emotional when the tattoo artist was working. There was mirror across the room from me and I was amazed at how quickly the pain showed on my face - now I see how Dad can read my emotions so well. I was so sad that we were at a tattoo parlour, getting a tattoo of your name because you died. I was also really touched that your Dad wanted to get the tattoo and he wanted to get it right then.
Your Dad got his tattoo yesterday and I love it. We have been talking about getting tattoos since you died but we hadn't really said when we would do it. Yesterday we went downtown, stopped by the gallery to visit Aunty Jessie and then left to go to an art show. Your Dad mentioned that we should go to Queen St instead and look into tattoos. I thought he just meant to look at some of the tattoo places and maybe get a design, but he actually wanted to get one. We stopped at the first place we saw, called Adrenaline, and it seemed like a good, safe place. We designed the tattoo and waited for our turn. I have to admit, I was pretty nervous. Neither of us have any tattoos and I started worrying that your Dad might contract some disease or infection by doing it. I knew I was being silly, but I worry about these things. I asked about their procedures to ensure that doesn't happen and was satisfied with their answers and started to feel calmer about the whole thing.
It didn't take too long for the tattoo to be done and your Dad was brave. It hurt, I could see it that it did and I felt bad for him. I had a glimpse of how he felt when he was watching me in labour, during the very worst part of the pain, and he couldn't do anything other than hold my hand. He told me how helpless he had felt. I also got emotional when the tattoo artist was working. There was mirror across the room from me and I was amazed at how quickly the pain showed on my face - now I see how Dad can read my emotions so well. I was so sad that we were at a tattoo parlour, getting a tattoo of your name because you died. I was also really touched that your Dad wanted to get the tattoo and he wanted to get it right then.
I want to get one too, but haven't decided where to get it yet.
I love looking at your Dad's arm. It is so nice to see your name there. We asked for baby footprints, but didn't specify the size. They showed us these and we realized that they are the same size that your feet were. I look at those little footprints all the time.
Love you. Miss you alot. Today was a hard, hard day.
Mom
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Another dream....
I finally got to sleep this morning around 3am. I woke up at 4:30am with my heart racing. I had another dream.
In my dream, I was pregnant, just like I should be now. I was so indescribably happy. I can't remember feeling that happy. I woke up and I still felt that happy. Then I reached down to rub my belly and I felt indescribable despair.
I don't think today is going to be a good day.
In my dream, I was pregnant, just like I should be now. I was so indescribably happy. I can't remember feeling that happy. I woke up and I still felt that happy. Then I reached down to rub my belly and I felt indescribable despair.
I don't think today is going to be a good day.
Just a quick note...
to tell you how much I miss you.
The nights are getting harder again. I have been holding it together pretty well during the day, with small crying spells here and there, but the past few nights have been worse than usual. My sleep is starting to be like the first week that we lost you. I stay up pretty late, force myself to go to bed, cry alot and eventually fall asleep.
Amazingly I have worn makeup to work a few times this week for the first time since you died (which I also managed to keep on throughout the day - a big accomplishment) and that helps cover up my tired, sad looking eyes.
Maybe it has gotten worse because we will be at the 6 week mark soon. Maybe it is because we are going back to see Dr. A next week. Part of me is looking forward to the appointment. I have tons of questions. But part of me is scared of being in her office again, the place that she couldn't find your heartbeat. Tuesday is going to be so tough, but nothing will be harder than losing you. I feel like I can get through anything now because I have already been through the worst.
I know you are with us now and will be with us on Tuesday. I hope we get signs from you for years to come. They give me so much comfort.
Love you,
Mom
The nights are getting harder again. I have been holding it together pretty well during the day, with small crying spells here and there, but the past few nights have been worse than usual. My sleep is starting to be like the first week that we lost you. I stay up pretty late, force myself to go to bed, cry alot and eventually fall asleep.
Amazingly I have worn makeup to work a few times this week for the first time since you died (which I also managed to keep on throughout the day - a big accomplishment) and that helps cover up my tired, sad looking eyes.
Maybe it has gotten worse because we will be at the 6 week mark soon. Maybe it is because we are going back to see Dr. A next week. Part of me is looking forward to the appointment. I have tons of questions. But part of me is scared of being in her office again, the place that she couldn't find your heartbeat. Tuesday is going to be so tough, but nothing will be harder than losing you. I feel like I can get through anything now because I have already been through the worst.
I know you are with us now and will be with us on Tuesday. I hope we get signs from you for years to come. They give me so much comfort.
Love you,
Mom
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