Hi baby boy,
Today Dad was talking to a woman at work named Maria. I’ve talked to her a few times over the years and always thought that she was really nice, but our paths don’t cross at all in the areas we work in. Dad has worked with her more and knows her better and has always thought how nice she is too.
He went to see her this morning with a question about something. She asked how he was and how I was and said how excited we must be (about you). It turns out she didn’t know that you had died since she was working offsite in June. He thought that she already knew about us losing you as most people have heard it through the grapevine. He told her that you died and said that I am doing a little bit better everyday (our standard response), but that it has been really hard.
She was shocked that you died and started crying! I love her for crying! I will always, always remember that she cried for us, for you. Dad told her the whole story (from the great ultrasounds, to not finding your heartbeat, to the bad ultrasound, to giving birth to you and holding you for hours) and she kept crying the whole way through, wiping tears from her eyes, asking questions. She had just the reaction I want people to have. Dad told her how we are going to see Dr. A next week and are nervous about getting the results of your autopsy – what if we don’t get any answers. What if we do?
He told her how careful I was when I was pregnant, she said she was the same way when she was and drove her doctor nuts with questions about what she could and couldn’t eat. I was so careful with you, I watched everything that I ate and everything I was exposed to, but it didn’t do you any good. Next time I just want to be tube fed and live in a plastic bubble until your little brother or sister is born.
I want people to feel horrible for us (most people do), to acknowledge the pain we are in and to cry for us, to show that they hurt for us too. I just want to go and hug her for crying. I am so grateful for that. She kept saying how devastating it is. She will never know the gift she has given me by her reaction. She is shy and I am shy, so I don’t expect her to call me like some people have, and that is fine. Her crying for us will help me get through the next few days. She hasn’t even lost a baby (she has a little girl), but she reacted as if she had gone through it too.
Maybe this sounds strange, but it made me happy and I felt really satisfied that she felt so badly for us. She didn’t give any of the usual comments about trying again or even worse, that maybe it was for the best or it happened for a reason. She just cried for us. Someday I will tell her how grateful I am for that.
Love you,
Mom
Our sad ticker
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Rocky times
Dear Jacob,
Yesterday morning I woke up and something told me to lie on my back. I did this every morning when I was pregnant with you because I could see you (the outline of my uterus) in my belly better. As I always did, I rested my hand on my belly and suddenly I felt a small bump on my lower left side, just the way I did when you were still with me. You loved being on the lower left side, I rarely felt your bump on the right side. Immediately I felt some peace, I haven't felt that bump since losing you and I don't recall ever feeling it before I became pregnant with you. I know this time it isn't you (obviously), but it made me feel happier than I felt on Monday.
I got a henna tattoo on my left ankle last Thursday at the Canada Day celebrations at the park. It has your name with a butterfly by the J and 2 little footprints by the B.
On Monday night your Dad was lying on the floor (one of the few comfortable positions for him since he hurt his back). I was sitting on the couch with my feet on the floor. He put his hand on my ankle and rubbed his fingers over your name and said that he misses you so much. He said it a few times and it broke my heart. I started crying (of course - I cried alot on Monday). He said he was sorry for bringing it up and maybe he shouldn't have, but I was so glad that he did. I love it when he brings you up and says things like that. It helps me to know how he is feeling and it helps to know that others miss you too. I know he does, but it is nice to hear it. A little while later, he asked if I noticed how everywhere around us has something related to a baby. Commercials, things in store windows, billboards, pregnant woman (which are everywhere these days) and of course babies.
Around 9:30 on Monday night, I started crying. I just lay on the couch and couldn't stop (it may have been the commercial for the movie Juno that came on, what got me was the shot of the ultrasound with a baby moving around in it). I don't have a video of any of your good ultrasounds, just the one that confirmed that you had died. I am so scared that I will forget what you looked like, moving around. You were my little dream come true. I'm scared to look at other ultrasounds in case seeing them confuses my memory of yours. As I lay on the couch crying, your Dad hugged and kept saying "Jacob is ok, Jacob is ok". That made me feel a bit better. Although I miss you so much and losing you is the biggest tragedy of my life, my main concern is that you are okay, that you didn't suffer before you died, and that you are happy where you are - not lonely, not cold, not sad and not in pain. And not thinking that you were not wanted or unloved. You were wanted and you are loved so much.
I was feeling particularly down at lunch yesterday. I just wandered around (in the stifling heat - not even really feeling it), just feeling sad. A few minutes after I got back to work, your Dad sent me an email saying that he had something for me. I went to meet him and he gave me a little butterfly pin. I love that your Dad got that for me. He always knows when I need cheering up. The pin came on a paper with the following poem:
Your Dad is the best. You would have had such a good life with us.
Love,
Mom
Yesterday morning I woke up and something told me to lie on my back. I did this every morning when I was pregnant with you because I could see you (the outline of my uterus) in my belly better. As I always did, I rested my hand on my belly and suddenly I felt a small bump on my lower left side, just the way I did when you were still with me. You loved being on the lower left side, I rarely felt your bump on the right side. Immediately I felt some peace, I haven't felt that bump since losing you and I don't recall ever feeling it before I became pregnant with you. I know this time it isn't you (obviously), but it made me feel happier than I felt on Monday.
I got a henna tattoo on my left ankle last Thursday at the Canada Day celebrations at the park. It has your name with a butterfly by the J and 2 little footprints by the B.
Around 9:30 on Monday night, I started crying. I just lay on the couch and couldn't stop (it may have been the commercial for the movie Juno that came on, what got me was the shot of the ultrasound with a baby moving around in it). I don't have a video of any of your good ultrasounds, just the one that confirmed that you had died. I am so scared that I will forget what you looked like, moving around. You were my little dream come true. I'm scared to look at other ultrasounds in case seeing them confuses my memory of yours. As I lay on the couch crying, your Dad hugged and kept saying "Jacob is ok, Jacob is ok". That made me feel a bit better. Although I miss you so much and losing you is the biggest tragedy of my life, my main concern is that you are okay, that you didn't suffer before you died, and that you are happy where you are - not lonely, not cold, not sad and not in pain. And not thinking that you were not wanted or unloved. You were wanted and you are loved so much.
I was feeling particularly down at lunch yesterday. I just wandered around (in the stifling heat - not even really feeling it), just feeling sad. A few minutes after I got back to work, your Dad sent me an email saying that he had something for me. I went to meet him and he gave me a little butterfly pin. I love that your Dad got that for me. He always knows when I need cheering up. The pin came on a paper with the following poem:
Butterfly Kisses to Comfort You
Butterflies are souls released in glory,
happy and free
Doing all that they can do, and being all
that they can be.
Flying into the glistening sun as a sign
of rebirth,
A butterfly kiss is the hope that
beautifies the earth.
Your Dad is the best. You would have had such a good life with us.
Love,
Mom
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
When?
Dear Jacob,
I have a question.
When do Mondays just become Mondays again, not the day I found out that you had died. When do Tuesdays just become Tuesdays again, not the day you were born and I held you in my arms for the first and last time? I asked your Dad that and he said "When you decide to just let them be Mondays and Tuesdays". I know he is right, at least partly.
I can't stop my mind from thinking back to those days, looking at the time on Mondays and Tuesdays and imagine what was happening at that time on those days. On a Tuesday, at this time (9:01am), you were handed to me for the first time. I couldn't believe how beautiful you were and how sad I was. It wasn't at all the way that I expected to be holding my baby for the first time.
Miss you,
Mom
I have a question.
When do Mondays just become Mondays again, not the day I found out that you had died. When do Tuesdays just become Tuesdays again, not the day you were born and I held you in my arms for the first and last time? I asked your Dad that and he said "When you decide to just let them be Mondays and Tuesdays". I know he is right, at least partly.
I can't stop my mind from thinking back to those days, looking at the time on Mondays and Tuesdays and imagine what was happening at that time on those days. On a Tuesday, at this time (9:01am), you were handed to me for the first time. I couldn't believe how beautiful you were and how sad I was. It wasn't at all the way that I expected to be holding my baby for the first time.
Miss you,
Mom
Monday, July 5, 2010
Can't stop crying
Dear Jacob,
I miss you so much. I have been crying my eyes out for an hour and a half and I can't stop.
Love,
Mom
I miss you so much. I have been crying my eyes out for an hour and a half and I can't stop.
Love,
Mom
Self-punishment
Dear Jacob,
I think that I am trying to punish myself for letting you down, for being unable to keep you alive and healthy. I know that I didn't do anything to cause your death and there was nothing I could have done to prevent it, but I still get mad at my body sometimes.
I find that I ignore my hunger a lot. I can have hunger pains for at least an hour before I even think of doing anything about it. I was never like that before. The second I felt a twinge of hunger, I would eat something. I would even eat something if I knew that I wouldn’t be able to get food for a few hours just in case I got hungry. I hated being hungry. Now I just don’t care. Eventually I will eat because I tell myself that I have to stay healthy, but I guess I sort of like feeling hungry, feeling the pain. I know it isn’t logical, but maybe I feel less guilty if I am physically suffering. I don’t know. I just know that I was hungry for a good 2 hours this morning, with breakfast right beside me, and I didn’t eat it. I rarely eat treats now either – I loved cookie dough before I got pregnant but of course I didn’t eat any while pregnant. After losing you, your Aunty Jessie brought me over some and I just had a bit yesterday because I was making the cookies for your Dad. It never would have last so long before. And all the chips and stuff in the cupboard – no interest whatsoever.
I also ignore my general discomfort. If I am sitting with my leg under me and I feel that it is starting to fall asleep, I’ll leave it there until I really can’t stand it anymore. I’ve had some back pain since losing you. Have I seen a doctor about it? No. I was just too depressed the first 2 weeks and then it seemed to be getting better. It is back now, but I see Dr. A next week so I’ll just mention it then.
Dad and I went to a park yesterday, just to get out. When he told he read this blog, I wondered if he saw the post where I said that I don’t feel like I can talk to him anymore about you because it makes him sad when I bring you up. In the car, he said that I can still talk to him but that I haven’t been, that he hasn’t heard me talk about you lately at all. That surprised me. Probably just because I think about you all the time and when I write these letters, I feel like I am talking about you. Dad said he doesn’t know how I feel because I don’t talk about it anymore (but he still sees me sad all the time).
When we were lying on a blanket in the park (before we gave up because of all the ants joining us), I saw a white butterfly fly by us and around us for about 30 seconds or so. Of course, I like to think that was you sending us another sign. It made me smile anyway.
As soon as I woke up this morning, I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. Yesterday wasn’t bad, except for when I went to bed (I cried). That elephant is back, sitting on my chest today. At least I didn’t wake up crying this morning. I had a dream last night that I had to tell your Great-Grandma that you had died. In real life, I called her a few days after you died and told her, but in my dream I went and told her in person. There were a lot of people in line waiting to talk to her for some reason. When it was my turn, I sat down with her and her sister Dody (who died a few years ago) and told them.
Yesterday I was walking in front of a store. I looked in the store window at my reflection and for a split second, I thought I looked pregnant. I don’t like it when that happens.
5 Mondays ago today I found out that you had died.
Miss you, love you
Mom
I think that I am trying to punish myself for letting you down, for being unable to keep you alive and healthy. I know that I didn't do anything to cause your death and there was nothing I could have done to prevent it, but I still get mad at my body sometimes.
I find that I ignore my hunger a lot. I can have hunger pains for at least an hour before I even think of doing anything about it. I was never like that before. The second I felt a twinge of hunger, I would eat something. I would even eat something if I knew that I wouldn’t be able to get food for a few hours just in case I got hungry. I hated being hungry. Now I just don’t care. Eventually I will eat because I tell myself that I have to stay healthy, but I guess I sort of like feeling hungry, feeling the pain. I know it isn’t logical, but maybe I feel less guilty if I am physically suffering. I don’t know. I just know that I was hungry for a good 2 hours this morning, with breakfast right beside me, and I didn’t eat it. I rarely eat treats now either – I loved cookie dough before I got pregnant but of course I didn’t eat any while pregnant. After losing you, your Aunty Jessie brought me over some and I just had a bit yesterday because I was making the cookies for your Dad. It never would have last so long before. And all the chips and stuff in the cupboard – no interest whatsoever.
I also ignore my general discomfort. If I am sitting with my leg under me and I feel that it is starting to fall asleep, I’ll leave it there until I really can’t stand it anymore. I’ve had some back pain since losing you. Have I seen a doctor about it? No. I was just too depressed the first 2 weeks and then it seemed to be getting better. It is back now, but I see Dr. A next week so I’ll just mention it then.
Dad and I went to a park yesterday, just to get out. When he told he read this blog, I wondered if he saw the post where I said that I don’t feel like I can talk to him anymore about you because it makes him sad when I bring you up. In the car, he said that I can still talk to him but that I haven’t been, that he hasn’t heard me talk about you lately at all. That surprised me. Probably just because I think about you all the time and when I write these letters, I feel like I am talking about you. Dad said he doesn’t know how I feel because I don’t talk about it anymore (but he still sees me sad all the time).
When we were lying on a blanket in the park (before we gave up because of all the ants joining us), I saw a white butterfly fly by us and around us for about 30 seconds or so. Of course, I like to think that was you sending us another sign. It made me smile anyway.
As soon as I woke up this morning, I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. Yesterday wasn’t bad, except for when I went to bed (I cried). That elephant is back, sitting on my chest today. At least I didn’t wake up crying this morning. I had a dream last night that I had to tell your Great-Grandma that you had died. In real life, I called her a few days after you died and told her, but in my dream I went and told her in person. There were a lot of people in line waiting to talk to her for some reason. When it was my turn, I sat down with her and her sister Dody (who died a few years ago) and told them.
Yesterday I was walking in front of a store. I looked in the store window at my reflection and for a split second, I thought I looked pregnant. I don’t like it when that happens.
5 Mondays ago today I found out that you had died.
Miss you, love you
Mom
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Cottage
Dear Jacob,
Yesterday I went to the cottage with your Grandma, Auntie Laurie and cousin Ben. Your Dad couldn't come because he hurt his back. I felt bad leaving him, but he knew that he wouldn't be able to do anything other than lie on the living room floor or the bed all day. These days I have alot of trouble when I don't have something specific to do. Normally I would just knit, read a book or watch a movie, but I still have trouble focusing on things like that. When we first lost you, I could sit at home all day - I didn't want to go out at all and I spent the days crying, on the computer on the babycenter support boards, reading the blogs of other Mom's who lost their babies, looking at your pictures and sometimes talking to people on the phone. The first outing I did all by myself was to drive to the hospital where you were born to get a copy of all of your ultrasound pictures and to visit one of the nurses who was really nice to me. It was such a big accomplishment. Heck, making dinner was a big accomplishment at that time, even though it was only Kraft Dinner.
Anyway, I'm getting off topic. I couldn't really stand the thought of sitting around the condo all day, I knew I would drive myself nuts and start going over everything that happened again and again, look at your pictures and generally make myself more depressed than I already am.
On the drive up, I was sitting in the passenger seat and Ben was sitting in the middle of the back in his car seat. I would reach back and grab his hand or foot or something and he thought it was a really fun game and kept asking for more. Once I grabbed his hand and he held onto mine and I started crying because I will never feel you wrap your hand around my fingers and hold on tight and it just seems so unfair. He was laughing so hard while we were playing this game. That also made my cry because I will never hear you laugh. Of course, I already knew all this, but having another baby (ok, he isn't really a baby anymore since he just turned 2) do it makes it easier to see exactly what we are missing because you died, all of the little day to day things. Usually Ben is a huge comfort to me, but this time, in that moment, it was just painful.
Then Ben was getting sleepy but couldn't get to sleep so they put on a CD of baby lullabies. I knew that was going to be trouble, but I didn't say anything. The world can't revolve around my losing you and my grief. The first time I do these things without you is always the hardest, so I told myself to just be strong and to get through hearing them. Well of course I cried and cried listening to all of the songs that I can never sing to you, all of the times that I will miss out on rocking you to sleep and singing you lullabies, all of the songs that I loved as a kid that I will never get the chance to teach you. I turned my face away from my Mom, put on my sunglasses and cried as quietly as I could. She asked me once why I had my hand on my face (to hide the crying) but I just said I was resting my head. I don't know if she knew or not.
When I found out I was pregnant, I started imagining going to the cottage this summer with my big belly. One of our neighbours has 5 kids and she is younger than me. I couldn't wait to finally show her that I was going to be a Mom too (when we got there, it turned out that they sold their cottage over the winter anyway so we have new neighbours). Our other friends up there have 2 kids and I was also looking forward to telling them. I was at the water with Ben and they came by in their boat and we talked. I really wanted to tell them that I had been pregnant, but that you died. I didn't though. They had a bunch of kids with them and I didn't feel it was appropriate to tell them my baby died in front of all the kids.
You lose so much when you lose a baby. I think alot of people just assume that because you died before you were born, that sure we lost a baby, but we didn't really know your personality or anything. What they don't understand is that we have lost our future as a family with you. That this isn't just going to hurt for a few months until I 'get over it' or come to terms with it, but it is going to hurt forever because we will never ever have you. So many people have told me that we can try again, that the next baby will be okay. I really hope that is true, but how on earth do they know? I have now experienced tragedy firsthand and I have read about so many other people experiencing the same, or even worse tragedy. Other people reassuring me that we can have another baby and that that baby will be ok (how do they know?) isn't reassuring at all. What I do like to hear is that they are really sorry for our loss (and it is even better if they say your name), that they are thinking of us, that they know that our whole future has changed, and that they know someone who lost a baby at the same time we lost you, or even later, and that that person went on to have 2-3 healthy children. I love hearing about success stories after a still birth. That actually does bring me some hope.
One thing I have come to realize is that I have a heightened sense of suffering from losing you. I was always aware of suffering, always tried to help people, always gave money when some big catastrophe happened - but now I am more aware of the little things. Like the bird who was trying to protect her 4 eggs on Canada Day when people kept walking by. My heart was aching for that poor bird. I thought she was going to have a heart attack. I could feel her desperation. Before losing you, I would have noticed what was going on, I would have felt bad for the bird and I would have stopped anyone who was about to step on the eggs, but I don't think my heart would have been aching quite so much for her.
The phantom kicks I have been feeling since I gave birth to you are starting to slow down. In one way, I'm glad they are because they are another painful reminder. On the other hand, I don't want them to go away because that is yet another little piece of you that I am losing.
When I got home last night, your Dad told me that he read this blog, from the post about the sign you sent us on the 1 month anniversary of your birth to when we were in New York and he said how much losing you hurts. He hoped it was OK that he read this and it is, I'm surprised he didn't do it sooner. After he told me that though, he didn't want to talk about it anymore.
He is so sad sweetie. So am I.
Love,
Mom
Yesterday I went to the cottage with your Grandma, Auntie Laurie and cousin Ben. Your Dad couldn't come because he hurt his back. I felt bad leaving him, but he knew that he wouldn't be able to do anything other than lie on the living room floor or the bed all day. These days I have alot of trouble when I don't have something specific to do. Normally I would just knit, read a book or watch a movie, but I still have trouble focusing on things like that. When we first lost you, I could sit at home all day - I didn't want to go out at all and I spent the days crying, on the computer on the babycenter support boards, reading the blogs of other Mom's who lost their babies, looking at your pictures and sometimes talking to people on the phone. The first outing I did all by myself was to drive to the hospital where you were born to get a copy of all of your ultrasound pictures and to visit one of the nurses who was really nice to me. It was such a big accomplishment. Heck, making dinner was a big accomplishment at that time, even though it was only Kraft Dinner.
Anyway, I'm getting off topic. I couldn't really stand the thought of sitting around the condo all day, I knew I would drive myself nuts and start going over everything that happened again and again, look at your pictures and generally make myself more depressed than I already am.
On the drive up, I was sitting in the passenger seat and Ben was sitting in the middle of the back in his car seat. I would reach back and grab his hand or foot or something and he thought it was a really fun game and kept asking for more. Once I grabbed his hand and he held onto mine and I started crying because I will never feel you wrap your hand around my fingers and hold on tight and it just seems so unfair. He was laughing so hard while we were playing this game. That also made my cry because I will never hear you laugh. Of course, I already knew all this, but having another baby (ok, he isn't really a baby anymore since he just turned 2) do it makes it easier to see exactly what we are missing because you died, all of the little day to day things. Usually Ben is a huge comfort to me, but this time, in that moment, it was just painful.
Then Ben was getting sleepy but couldn't get to sleep so they put on a CD of baby lullabies. I knew that was going to be trouble, but I didn't say anything. The world can't revolve around my losing you and my grief. The first time I do these things without you is always the hardest, so I told myself to just be strong and to get through hearing them. Well of course I cried and cried listening to all of the songs that I can never sing to you, all of the times that I will miss out on rocking you to sleep and singing you lullabies, all of the songs that I loved as a kid that I will never get the chance to teach you. I turned my face away from my Mom, put on my sunglasses and cried as quietly as I could. She asked me once why I had my hand on my face (to hide the crying) but I just said I was resting my head. I don't know if she knew or not.
When I found out I was pregnant, I started imagining going to the cottage this summer with my big belly. One of our neighbours has 5 kids and she is younger than me. I couldn't wait to finally show her that I was going to be a Mom too (when we got there, it turned out that they sold their cottage over the winter anyway so we have new neighbours). Our other friends up there have 2 kids and I was also looking forward to telling them. I was at the water with Ben and they came by in their boat and we talked. I really wanted to tell them that I had been pregnant, but that you died. I didn't though. They had a bunch of kids with them and I didn't feel it was appropriate to tell them my baby died in front of all the kids.
You lose so much when you lose a baby. I think alot of people just assume that because you died before you were born, that sure we lost a baby, but we didn't really know your personality or anything. What they don't understand is that we have lost our future as a family with you. That this isn't just going to hurt for a few months until I 'get over it' or come to terms with it, but it is going to hurt forever because we will never ever have you. So many people have told me that we can try again, that the next baby will be okay. I really hope that is true, but how on earth do they know? I have now experienced tragedy firsthand and I have read about so many other people experiencing the same, or even worse tragedy. Other people reassuring me that we can have another baby and that that baby will be ok (how do they know?) isn't reassuring at all. What I do like to hear is that they are really sorry for our loss (and it is even better if they say your name), that they are thinking of us, that they know that our whole future has changed, and that they know someone who lost a baby at the same time we lost you, or even later, and that that person went on to have 2-3 healthy children. I love hearing about success stories after a still birth. That actually does bring me some hope.
One thing I have come to realize is that I have a heightened sense of suffering from losing you. I was always aware of suffering, always tried to help people, always gave money when some big catastrophe happened - but now I am more aware of the little things. Like the bird who was trying to protect her 4 eggs on Canada Day when people kept walking by. My heart was aching for that poor bird. I thought she was going to have a heart attack. I could feel her desperation. Before losing you, I would have noticed what was going on, I would have felt bad for the bird and I would have stopped anyone who was about to step on the eggs, but I don't think my heart would have been aching quite so much for her.
The phantom kicks I have been feeling since I gave birth to you are starting to slow down. In one way, I'm glad they are because they are another painful reminder. On the other hand, I don't want them to go away because that is yet another little piece of you that I am losing.
When I got home last night, your Dad told me that he read this blog, from the post about the sign you sent us on the 1 month anniversary of your birth to when we were in New York and he said how much losing you hurts. He hoped it was OK that he read this and it is, I'm surprised he didn't do it sooner. After he told me that though, he didn't want to talk about it anymore.
He is so sad sweetie. So am I.
Love,
Mom
Thursday, July 1, 2010
I got my sign!
Dear Jacob,
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I believe I got the sign today that I have been waiting for from you, letting me know that you are OK and that you are at peace. I had a few things happen in the past that could have been a sign, but this one seems like the strongest one and it is one that I saw for myself.
I was very apprehensive about today because today is one month since you were born, one month since I was pregnant and one month since I last held you in my arms. I can't believe that it has been a month already and that I have made it this far. I didn't see how it was possible to in the beginning.
We went to the garden where your ashes are buried this morning. Your Dad and I sat on a bench and I just stared and stared at the spot where your ashes are, talking to you in my head - telling you how much I love you, how much I miss you and how sorry I am that you aren't still here, that you aren't in my belly instead of in the ground. I cried alot. After we were there for about 10 minutes, I thought how great it would be if a butterfly flew by. About 5 minutes later, a beautiful butterfly suddenly came down and landed on the circle hedge that surrounds the tree you are buried under. The butterfly then flew on the tree, then on the other side of the circle. Then it flew towards your Dad and I, landing twice on the hedge closer to us and then it flew away. It was mostly orange with some darker colouring towards its body. I burst into tears when the butterfly appeared and thanked you for sending it. Although I was crying, I felt some peace come over me. This is also the same place that your Grandma read the poem she wrote at your memorial - the last 2 lines of the poem are:
We all long to hear you say
Don't worry Mom and Dad, everything is okay.
It was the best thing that could have happened today (aside from waking up from this nightmare and discovering that you are still alive and that I am 25 weeks pregnant). No other butterflies appeared after that one left and I don't recall ever seeing a butterfly in that garden before.
Before the butterfly came, there were birds flying overhead. Twice I saw a group of 3 birds fly over your Dad and I...at least one other bird was there too, but twice I saw a group of 3. I wanted to see them as me, your Dad, and you. Then the butterfly came.
I don't know if it is silly to look for signs from you. I don't know if you can even send them, but seeing things like this does make me feel better so I choose to believe in them.
Your Dad said that he will miss seeing you learning to walk, when your balance would have been off and your walk would have been so cute. That made me cry too and he said that he hopes that it was OK to say that. Of course it was. Knowing that someone else is thinking about you and has daydreams of what could have been with you makes me happy, even though it often makes me cry. Of course, making me cry is not hard to do these days. As we stood to leave the garden, your Dad said "Jacob, we love you and we miss you so much". I love that he did that. I always have conversations with you in my head, but I don't usually say anything out loud unless I am alone. I did say that I love you and we would see you later.
I felt like I was abandoning you when we left the garden. It was so quiet and still when I looked back and I worried about you being lonely and that you would feel that I was abandoning you. It is silly, I know, but that is how I felt.
We walked along the Lakeshore and then walked to the lake and had another butterfly encounter. Lake Ontario was on our right and there were some bushes and trees on our left. I saw a few totally white butterflies flying around while we walked. For a few feet we would see the same one flying from tree to tree just ahead of us. Then that butterfly flew in front of your Dad and I. Then we saw another butterfly flying from tree to tree just ahead of us. Another sign? I don't know.
We got back to the car and I realized that I had a text message from your Auntie Jessie.
It just said "One month. Thinking of you guys". I burst into tears because someone remembered! I was so happy that she did and that she said something. I know your Dad, Grandma and Auntie Laurie remembered, but they didn't actually say it, I had to mention it. It felt sooo good to have someone bring it up to me. I wrote her back and said thank you 3 times, how happy I am that she remembered and said something to me and that I would always remember that she remembered. She sent a message back that said - Of course I remembered!. I wrote back, said "love you!" and she wrote back and said "Love you too....and Jacob". I started crying all over again and I am crying as I write this. It meant so much to me. I love it when you are included. As soon as Auntie Jessie found out I was pregnant, she went out and got you some cute little socks. She was so excited that you were coming.
We went to Auntie Laurie's after and stayed there for a few hours before heading down to a local park for Canada Day celebrations. I wasn't sure about staying when we first got there. The park had kids all over the place and I found it really hard at first, looking at them all running around, knowing that we would never be bringing you to a park. Of course there were lots of pregnant woman too, but not too many to deal with. But there was a woman near me with a small baby in a stroller and she was swinging her toddler around. I could see the belly she still had from having recently been pregnant and it made me really sad.
We did stay for a couple of hours, but Dad and I went for walks a few times. Your cousin Ben was there of course and we had fun with him. He was running once and I felt sad because I imagined how the 2 of your would have run around together in a few years, I could just see him holding your hand as you walked together. Then he wanted to walk on some rocks, so I walked on them with him to make sure he wouldn't fall. People would pass by and smile and I thought to myself that they probably thought I am his Mom. There was a bird in the garden near the rocks that had built a nest and had 4 eggs in it. A 4-5 year old boy kept running around and the poor bird was getting so upset. She kept making herself look bigger and would sometimes fly away to try to make the 'predator' follow her and leave her eggs alone. When that kid finally left, some teenagers unknowingly walked a little too close and when the bird starting making noise and making herself look bigger, they went closer to see what was going on. I could just imagine the birds panic and felt so bad for her, just trying to protect her babies.
Ben has gotten to stage where he only wants his Mom to push his stroller. As we were walking home, Laurie wanted a break from pushing so I said I would do it, thinking it would only last a few seconds before he demanded his Mom again. But he actually let me do it until we got back to their house - about 25 minutes. He kept looking back at me since we were playing little games and he never got upset. I would push him really fast, which he loved. Once Dad and I left their house to go home, Dad said to me that he could tell I loved pushing the stroller and that one day soon I would be pushing our baby in a stroller. I really hope that happens, I just wanted it to happen with you too though. He also said he noticed that I looked so proud to be pushing him a certain times. Your Dad is so good at reading my emotions just from my body language, I didn't even realize that until he said it. But a few times people would pass us on the trail and would smile at Ben and I would think, again, that they would assume that I am his Mom. I think part of it is that they would assume that I am a Mom, unfortunately I just don't have my own baby to prove it. I so badly want everyone to know that I am a Mom, that I had you and that I took care of my baby really well while I had the chance.
This has gotten really long.
I want to thank everyone who has posted comments on my posts, I love reading the comments - they always help. I particularly want to thank everyone who posted yesterday and said that they would be thinking about us today. When I thought that no one else was, I knew that they were and it helped alot.
Love you and missing you especially badly today baby,
Mom
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I believe I got the sign today that I have been waiting for from you, letting me know that you are OK and that you are at peace. I had a few things happen in the past that could have been a sign, but this one seems like the strongest one and it is one that I saw for myself.
I was very apprehensive about today because today is one month since you were born, one month since I was pregnant and one month since I last held you in my arms. I can't believe that it has been a month already and that I have made it this far. I didn't see how it was possible to in the beginning.
We went to the garden where your ashes are buried this morning. Your Dad and I sat on a bench and I just stared and stared at the spot where your ashes are, talking to you in my head - telling you how much I love you, how much I miss you and how sorry I am that you aren't still here, that you aren't in my belly instead of in the ground. I cried alot. After we were there for about 10 minutes, I thought how great it would be if a butterfly flew by. About 5 minutes later, a beautiful butterfly suddenly came down and landed on the circle hedge that surrounds the tree you are buried under. The butterfly then flew on the tree, then on the other side of the circle. Then it flew towards your Dad and I, landing twice on the hedge closer to us and then it flew away. It was mostly orange with some darker colouring towards its body. I burst into tears when the butterfly appeared and thanked you for sending it. Although I was crying, I felt some peace come over me. This is also the same place that your Grandma read the poem she wrote at your memorial - the last 2 lines of the poem are:
We all long to hear you say
Don't worry Mom and Dad, everything is okay.
I thought it was fitting that we had this butterfly experience in the same garden.
It was the best thing that could have happened today (aside from waking up from this nightmare and discovering that you are still alive and that I am 25 weeks pregnant). No other butterflies appeared after that one left and I don't recall ever seeing a butterfly in that garden before.
Before the butterfly came, there were birds flying overhead. Twice I saw a group of 3 birds fly over your Dad and I...at least one other bird was there too, but twice I saw a group of 3. I wanted to see them as me, your Dad, and you. Then the butterfly came.
I don't know if it is silly to look for signs from you. I don't know if you can even send them, but seeing things like this does make me feel better so I choose to believe in them.
Your Dad said that he will miss seeing you learning to walk, when your balance would have been off and your walk would have been so cute. That made me cry too and he said that he hopes that it was OK to say that. Of course it was. Knowing that someone else is thinking about you and has daydreams of what could have been with you makes me happy, even though it often makes me cry. Of course, making me cry is not hard to do these days. As we stood to leave the garden, your Dad said "Jacob, we love you and we miss you so much". I love that he did that. I always have conversations with you in my head, but I don't usually say anything out loud unless I am alone. I did say that I love you and we would see you later.
I felt like I was abandoning you when we left the garden. It was so quiet and still when I looked back and I worried about you being lonely and that you would feel that I was abandoning you. It is silly, I know, but that is how I felt.
We walked along the Lakeshore and then walked to the lake and had another butterfly encounter. Lake Ontario was on our right and there were some bushes and trees on our left. I saw a few totally white butterflies flying around while we walked. For a few feet we would see the same one flying from tree to tree just ahead of us. Then that butterfly flew in front of your Dad and I. Then we saw another butterfly flying from tree to tree just ahead of us. Another sign? I don't know.
We got back to the car and I realized that I had a text message from your Auntie Jessie.
It just said "One month. Thinking of you guys". I burst into tears because someone remembered! I was so happy that she did and that she said something. I know your Dad, Grandma and Auntie Laurie remembered, but they didn't actually say it, I had to mention it. It felt sooo good to have someone bring it up to me. I wrote her back and said thank you 3 times, how happy I am that she remembered and said something to me and that I would always remember that she remembered. She sent a message back that said - Of course I remembered!. I wrote back, said "love you!" and she wrote back and said "Love you too....and Jacob". I started crying all over again and I am crying as I write this. It meant so much to me. I love it when you are included. As soon as Auntie Jessie found out I was pregnant, she went out and got you some cute little socks. She was so excited that you were coming.
We went to Auntie Laurie's after and stayed there for a few hours before heading down to a local park for Canada Day celebrations. I wasn't sure about staying when we first got there. The park had kids all over the place and I found it really hard at first, looking at them all running around, knowing that we would never be bringing you to a park. Of course there were lots of pregnant woman too, but not too many to deal with. But there was a woman near me with a small baby in a stroller and she was swinging her toddler around. I could see the belly she still had from having recently been pregnant and it made me really sad.
We did stay for a couple of hours, but Dad and I went for walks a few times. Your cousin Ben was there of course and we had fun with him. He was running once and I felt sad because I imagined how the 2 of your would have run around together in a few years, I could just see him holding your hand as you walked together. Then he wanted to walk on some rocks, so I walked on them with him to make sure he wouldn't fall. People would pass by and smile and I thought to myself that they probably thought I am his Mom. There was a bird in the garden near the rocks that had built a nest and had 4 eggs in it. A 4-5 year old boy kept running around and the poor bird was getting so upset. She kept making herself look bigger and would sometimes fly away to try to make the 'predator' follow her and leave her eggs alone. When that kid finally left, some teenagers unknowingly walked a little too close and when the bird starting making noise and making herself look bigger, they went closer to see what was going on. I could just imagine the birds panic and felt so bad for her, just trying to protect her babies.
Ben has gotten to stage where he only wants his Mom to push his stroller. As we were walking home, Laurie wanted a break from pushing so I said I would do it, thinking it would only last a few seconds before he demanded his Mom again. But he actually let me do it until we got back to their house - about 25 minutes. He kept looking back at me since we were playing little games and he never got upset. I would push him really fast, which he loved. Once Dad and I left their house to go home, Dad said to me that he could tell I loved pushing the stroller and that one day soon I would be pushing our baby in a stroller. I really hope that happens, I just wanted it to happen with you too though. He also said he noticed that I looked so proud to be pushing him a certain times. Your Dad is so good at reading my emotions just from my body language, I didn't even realize that until he said it. But a few times people would pass us on the trail and would smile at Ben and I would think, again, that they would assume that I am his Mom. I think part of it is that they would assume that I am a Mom, unfortunately I just don't have my own baby to prove it. I so badly want everyone to know that I am a Mom, that I had you and that I took care of my baby really well while I had the chance.
This has gotten really long.
I want to thank everyone who has posted comments on my posts, I love reading the comments - they always help. I particularly want to thank everyone who posted yesterday and said that they would be thinking about us today. When I thought that no one else was, I knew that they were and it helped alot.
Love you and missing you especially badly today baby,
Mom
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