Hard time

Hi my sweet little boy,

I had a hard time going to sleep last night. I kept thinking about how you were lying all alone in the funeral home (and I'm not there to make you feel less lonely) and how today is the last day that your body will be on this earth with me. It's like I have to keep doing things that are making me let you go a little bit more everyday and I hate that. How am I supposed to let my baby go? I cried alot while lying in bed. I tried not to wake your Daddy up, but I did of course and he tried to comfort me.

Things like going to the funeral home keep coming up and it is like I'm being punched in the stomach over and over again. Will this ever stop?

It was 2 weeks ago today that you were born. The one-week mark was so difficult to get through, every minute seemed like 10 minutes. I hope that isn't the case today. Two weeks ago at this time (6:30am) , it dawned on me that the pain was getting way more regular than it had been, it was worse, and that I was actually in active labour. I wanted it to end because the pain was so bad, but at the same time I didn't want it to end. I wasn't supposed to deliver you yet, I wasn't supposed to see what you look like until October. I just wanted to keep you with me.

I just have to remind myself that you are with me, all of the time. That you live in my heart now. But frankly I would rather have you in my womb still and then in my arms in October. But my heart it is. On the drive home from the funeral home last night, Daddy was talking about how we will probably have 2 girls when we start trying again. I imagined 2 little girls playing on a playground and all I could think about was how there should be a little boy playing with them. Will I ever be able to just enjoy a moment again without thinking about how you should be there too? Maybe on the surface I will, but part of me will always know and think about the fact that you are missing.

I hope that the blanket that Grandma made for you is soft on your body. She (and I) would have made you so many blankets and clothes as you got older.

I'm still not eating very well. I can sit and be hungry for hours before I can be bothered doing anything about it. Usually I wait until Daddy offers me something to eat. I know I have to keep my body strong to recover so that I can get pregnant again, but I really just don't care about eating. I only got my lunch yesterday because I kept bumping into things at work and figured that I probably needed to eat something.

I had a dream last night and when I woke up, I felt a bit more peaceful than I have in awhile. I can't remember what the dream was now, but I do remember thinking that you sent it to me to help me out. I hope that you hear me when I talk to you, both out loud and in my head. I do it all day long. You are the first person I think of when I get up in the morning and the last person I think of when I go to bed at night. That will never change.

I am thinking about you all of the time baby. I hope that you are happy and healthy where you are and that you are watching over us.

Love forever,

Mommy

Funeral home

So work finished off alright today. Someone finally asked about Jacob. She just asked how big he was and I told her and then told her more. I even offered to show her a picture (of him wrapped in blanket, so she only would have seen his head). She didn't want to though, which I totally understand. She said she might be ready another time and I told her that if she never is, that is OK. I don't know if I would have wanted to look at a picture of a dead baby before this happened. It would just be too upsetting, but that is my world now.

No one else even asked his name. I know they are all worried about upsetting me, but if he had lived they would have been asking more questions.

Shortly before I left work, the funeral home called and said that Ted and I had to go and sign the papers so that they could cremate Jacob. It turns out that they have had his body for a few days. I thought that they were going to call us to fill out the forms before they could get him from the hospital. We had been told that the autopsy would take 3-4 weeks. I had wondered how the could preserve his body for that long, but it turns out that they would have done the autopsy within a day or two of his birth and the results take 3-4 weeks (makes more sense to me). I thought I had another week to decide what to have with him when he was cremated, but we didn't. My Mom knit a small blanket to wrap him in. I gave a lock of my hair and I wrote a letter to him. I couldn't think of anything else. It was hard writing the letter. I thought about what to write the whole drive there and then we sat in the car at the funeral home while I wrote it out. I kept crying. I should not have been parked behind a funeral home writing a letter to have with my baby boy while he is cremated. Signing the papers was also hard and I just barely held back the tears.

Then it got worse. We have been planning to bury his ashes in a small garden beside our church, but the guy at the funeral home said that there might not be any ashes because only the bones makes the ashes and he is so tiny that there might not be any. I really want to bury him somewhere and have his name recorded somewhere. Now we may not have anything to bury and my baby just disappears into thin air. I'm trying to be hopeful that there will be at least a few ashes, but not much has worked out for us lately so I'm not counting on this working out either.

After we left the funeral home, we stood in the parking lot hugging each other and crying. I kept thinking that that would be the last time that I would ever be in the same building as my baby.

I know that things could be worse, they can always be worse, but this is pretty darn bad.

I miss you Jacob.

At work right now....

Well, I made it to work and everything has been fine. I felt sad walking to the subway, getting on the train etc since the last time I did that, I was still pregnant. As we were on the train waiting for it to leave Finch, a pregnant woman got on. A wave of sadness came over me and I almost started to cry. I should be about her size.

I ran into Hillary in the elevator. She had gone to see Ted last week and was asking how I was, said that she talked to Jen to see if she could call me but Jen said it was probably better not to. As she got off the elevator she said that it was good to see me and that she is/has been thinking about me. I thought that was so nice, I don't even know her that well.

I got to me desk. I usually say hi to Jen when I arrive in the morning, but I just needed a few minutes. I looked at my desk, how it hasn't really changed but I have changed so much. It doesn't seem to make sense that I have changed so much, but everything at work has stayed the same.

Jen came over, asked how I was and said that if I need anything to let her know. Chris came out of his office, asked how I was. I usually said that there are good hours and bad hours, but that everyday is a little better. He was really nice and talked for a while. Said that his oldest sibling was stillborn at full-term. He also took care of a bunch of events and said not to worry about anyting. Perry came out and asked how I was, said to take it easy. Peter came while we were talking and asked how I was, I said everyday is a little better. Sheila came over and hugged me, said she was sorry etc and told me some stories of her neighbours - they tried for 3 years, got pregnant then lost the baby late in the second trimester. I told her that I remember talking to her the morning I had Jacob, but I don't remember what I said as I was given some morphine. She was surprised and said that I made sense so that is good. Saleema came up and hugged me. She said it happens alot (yeah, maybe in the first trimester). Her husband works in a hospital lab and said that they get the placenta's and the blood work, which I thought was interesting. I assumed that the placenta went to the autopsy room with the baby. Maybe I'll ask Dr. A that.

Melanie came by and hugged me. Said she was really sorry, I thanked her for the card and the flowers and said how nice it was to get flowers - total surprise. Her niece was born 3 months early, so we talked about how weird it is to see the world going on when something like this happens to you and people talk about trivial things like their hair. You just want to say - are you kidding me, you are worried about your hair - do you have any idea what is happening with me?
Cate came by later in the morning and talked about other stuff at first, then asked how I was doing. I didn't go into it too much with her but she doesn't often come by just to chat so I know she was making an effort.

There was cake in the atrium since one of the tenants of the building is leaving. I didn't go to the party as I wasn't in the mood, of course. Robert surprised me by bringing me up a piece of cake. He patted my shoulder, asked how I was doing. I thought that was really sweet.

Antoinette just came by, hugged me and asked how I was doing. Suzette also emailed me, saying she was sorry for my loss and that she has lost 2. I asked how far along she was - 13 weeks and 8 weeks.

It bugs me when people say that it happens all the time. It does happen alot in the first trimester. It does not happen alot in the second trimester. I feel like my loss is trivialized a little when people say that it happens all the time. I know it is traumatic when it happens at any time, but the people who have said that they also had a loss did not give birth to their dead baby. They either passed everything naturally or had a D & C. Since I haven't had that happen, I can't really understand what it is like. I hope they realize that they can't really understand what this is like.

At least I haven't received any really stupid, hurtful comments so far. And I haven't cried yet. I felt like it a few times though, especially right after I got here. I got a reminder from Outlook that my appointment with Dr. A was overdue. In my calendar on my desk, I had my appointment with Mt. Sinai written down and how many weeks I should be written on each Thursday. I should be 23 weeks this thursday - almost 6 months.

I hope that Jacob is watching over us and sends us another baby soon. He will never be replaced, but at least my belly and then my arms won't be so empty.

2 weeks ago today.....

I woke up excited because I was going to see Dr. A and hear your heartbeat.

I had no idea 2 weeks ago today that this nightmare would begin.

Miss you and love you,

Mom

Back to work today

Hi Jacob,

I am going back to work today for the first time since losing you. By going, I feel like I am just moving on. I know that I have to do that, but it makes it that much more real that you are gone. The last time I sat in that chair, I was pregnant with you. The last time I did anything at that desk, in that building, I was pregnant with you. I just want you back. I don't want to do it without you.

I loved sitting at my desk, knowing that you were with me, rubbing my belly all day. It is going to feel so empty there now.

I know my co-workers will be nice and will try to say nice things. I really appreciate that they care, but I don't want to hear those things. I shouldn't have to. You shouldn't have died. I don't wish harm on anyone, but how come all of the other babies that have been born to people who work there lately have been totally healthy. Why did this have to happen to you? I will never know the answer to that question even if the autopsy and the blood work does reveal the physical reason why you died.

Daddy and I went to a butterfly release yesterday. I was so emotional in the morning while we were getting ready for it. I always feel down in the morning to begin with, it seems to be the hardest part of the day for me. When we started getting ready, I was already crying. I couldn't figure out what top to wear. All of the maternity tops I was just about to start wearing before losing you are too big. I had some other tops that aren't really maternity, but I wore them all the time with you because they were perfect for my size. Daddy picked one of them out. It made me cry because the last time I wore it, I was still pregnant with you. Then I put it one and just sobbed and sobbed because my belly was so flat compared to what it was just 2 weeks ago. I just couldn't stop crying. I am so mad that this happened to you and to us.

We had trouble find the conservation area where the butterfly release was taking place. The directions from google maps weren't good. We ran into another woman named Karen at a gas station who was looking for the same place. A guy who worked there was being really helpful. I asked who she was going to the release for and she said he son Michael who was stillborn 10 years ago. I said that I was going for my son Jacob who was stillborn 12 days ago and I started crying. I couldn't stop. It wasn't heavy crying, but she could tell that I was doing it. She rubbed my back and said how it was so new, so fresh.

We got directions and followed each other to the conservation area, but we had to stop 3 more times and ask for directions because no one seemed to know where to go. We were supposed to be there for 11am to release the butterflies, but we didn't get there until 11:30am. I was getting numb on the ride there and was giving up hope that we would find the place. On one level, I felt like I had failed you again. I couldn't keep you alive and then I couldn't even find the place for the butterfly release. I started to ask you to forgive me, that I tried and tried to find it. I was ready to give up. I'm glad that Daddy was with me because he kept going.

They kept our butterflies and Daddy and I walked off to a secluded place to release them. We took some pictures and then I opened the box. One of the butterflies left right away. The other one crawled out and then stood there for a minute or two, probably stretching his wings. I took it as a sign from you though, because I was so desperate for one. That butterfly just kept standing there and I imagined that you were sending us a sign that you didn't want to leave us, but that you had to eventually. I am so glad that you stuck around for as long as you did.

The butterfly flew away, but only a few feet at a time. We followed it and took more pictures, then we just walked around the park for a few minutes.

I was finding it too much to be around so many people already (it was sad to think that all of those people were there because they had lost their baby). We found Karen and told her that we were going. She gave me a big hug and held on to me for a minute or too. I started crying again. It was so nice of her to do that. She told me how she had her first baby at 36 (her daughter, who was there and is now 14). Then she had Michael, her baby who passed away at 39 weeks, 10 years ago. Then she got a surprise at 42 and had another son. It gave me hope. I don't ever want to replace you Jacob, but I do need to fill this emptiness inside me. When we do have another baby, he/she will always know that they have a big brother who was very loved and who is watching over them.

I also want to thank you for watching over your cousin Ben yesterday. Aunty Laurie told me that you saved him from getting hurt and she said thank you to you once Ben was OK. We are so so grateful. I think you have me the strength to stay at that party.

I have added a new picture here, the one of the rock with your name on him. Laken's Mom did it for you and it was such a nice surprise when I woke up this morning and opened my email. I am so touched that she was thinking about you and I.

As always, I love you so much it hurts.

Mommy.

Something that did make me happy

Hi again baby,

I guess I am making up for yesterday since I didn't post then.

A woman on the loss support board wrote her baby Dash's name in the alphabet blocks that kids play with and offered to do that for other mother's. I asked her to do it for you. She sent me 5 pictures of your name written in blocks around a playground, which I thought was such a great setting. She emailed me to say that the pictures were on her website and then said that when she was doing your name, it started to rain and thunder. She lives in Arizona and said that it is so rare to rain there, especially in the summer. She thought it was a sign from you. I wish so much that it was. I have been waiting and hoping for a sign since we lost you. I just need to know that you are OK and that you are happy. Was that your sign? I wish I had been there to see it if it was, but I will take what I can get.

Thank you for doing that Jacob, it brought me some happiness in this deep dark pit that I am in.

I love you forever, I love you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be.

Mommy

I still have more to say......

I keep remembering more things I want to write about to you Jacob. You may already know all of this because I think it all the time and say it to you in my head.

On Friday I was sitting in the lobby because someone was coming to see the condo. The agent was in the lobby waiting for his client and asked what book I was reading. I was reading "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart". I told him that he probably doesn't want to know. He said that he loves books and would like to know. So I told him that my baby was stillborn 10 days ago and I was reading a book about how to deal with that. It threw him for a bit of a loop of course and there was a bit of a silence. He said he was sorry etc. It felt really good just to tell a complete stranger. Why shouldn't I? It did happen and I will never deny that it did or even act like it didn't. Then he said his cousin lost a baby at 8 months or something and just had another baby recently. It seems like everyone knows someone that this has happened to. He even came over to look at the book.

Today is your cousin Ben's birthday party. We are going to go, but I think it is going to be hard. There will be so many little boys there running around. The only thing I will be able to think about is that you will never do that and that is just so unfair. I haven't bought him a birthday card yet. I was lying in bed this morning trying to decide how to sign it. Do we just sign it from Aunty Dana and Uncle Ted. Do you put 'and cousin Jacob' or is that weird? I just don't know what to do. It is like I am pretending that you weren't born if I don't put your name, but if you had died when you were older, would I put your name on cards then. I just don't know. If I had a sticker of a butterfly, I would just put that on the card and signify you. Maybe I will get some when I get the card.

We are going to a butterfly release for bereaved families in Ajax today. I read somewhere that you if whisper your wish to a butterfly, that wish will be granted because the butterfly will fly away and can't reveal your wish to anyone. I am trying to decide which wish to whisper to it. It has to do with your well-being of course, but can I combine a few things into one wish? I am almost scared to go because I know it is going to be so emotional.

I am going back to work tomorrow. I think I am ready to go back. But it seems like I am returning to normal life. Life will never be normal again. It will be really hard sitting there all day. I don't know how people are going to act around me. It will make me so sad if they act like nothing has happened. I am pretty sure they will all come and ask how I am, which is really nice. I want them to ask about you too though. It will make me cry, but I will cry more if they don't really acknowledge you. If they don't I will squeeze your name in there somehow.

I am also feeling bad about not putting your picture up at my desk. If you had lived I would have had so many pictures there. People won't understand putting up a picture of a dead baby though and it would probably be too hard for me to look at when I am working everyday. I will carry one in my purse though and pull it out all the time.

I am so scared of the time when I won't feel like you are with me anymore. I don't want to hang on to you so much that it affects your journey and keeps you from being happy, but how can I let my baby go??????

I love you,

Mommy