Baths

I have been doing a lot better lately with seeing and holding my baby nephew. I can hold him without tears. I can talk to him and kiss his head without tears. I am always comparing, always thinking about what I've missed with Jacob, but it is easier.

I dropped by Laurie's tonight and she was giving Danny a bath in the kitchen. She was talking to him and he was loving it. She picked him up, wrapped him in a towel and headed for the bedroom to dress him. I thought she would nurse him as well and I just didn't feel up to seeing that. She called me to come, but I said that it was OK and I stood in the kitchen staring at the baby tub full of water and pictured a 2 month old Jacob in it and started crying. And cried and cried and cried.

I pulled myself together and went into the bedroom and talked to him while she put his diaper on and dressed him. Then I held him while she did some laundry. I was ok doing all that. But the thought of that bathtub brought back the "what-could-have-beens". I left shortly after. On the way home, I thought of the time we did bathe Jacob. His little, lifeless body. There was no smiling and animated talking. No trying to get him to smile back at us and laugh. There was soaking in every second because we knew we didn't have long with him. There were tears and worrying about his delicate skin. I am so glad I got to give him 2 baths, I'm just sad I couldn't give him hundreds.

A quote

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world,
which I find myself constantly walking around in the
daytime, and falling in at night.

Edna St. Vincent Millay
American Poet

Regrets

I have many regrets. Too many to count. Last night a new one came up. I thought I had already thought of them all.

I was lying in bed on my back and looking at my belly and remembering what it looked like with Jacob in it. Regret overwhelmed me that I didn't take any pictures of my belly when I was lying down. The outline of my uterus was so clear. I looked at it so often. But I never took a picture of it. Not one.

I told Ted what I was thinking and started crying. He said that I didn't expect Jacob to die so I didn't take the pictures. I didn't expect him to die, but why didn't I take the pictures just to document the pregnancy? What was wrong with me? Why didn't I do it? I enjoyed looking at my belly so much, but I didn't take one picture of it while lying down.

I can still remember what it looked and felt like, but how long will I remember?

Name on the street

Ted and I go for a walk most nights after dinner. The other night, I noticed that part of the sidewalk on our street had been replaced and the cement was still wet enough to do this:

Taken a few days after Ted wrote it

It is about halfway between our house and my sisters house. I like that we'll see it every time we walk to visit each other.

A good conversation and some news

My sister Jessie was at the cottage last week with my parents. She told me about a conversation they had which had made me feel good.


They were sitting around talking about who should sleep in what room when we are all supposed to go up in a few weeks. My Mom said that Ted and I would want the butterfly room (called that because of the butterfly wallpaper) because we like butterflies. My Dad said that he wasn't sure if it would make us too sad. My Mom said that we want to talk about Jacob, we like it, and we like when other people do too.
At some point, my Mom said that Jacob would be almost 9 months old. I didn't know that she has been keeping track and it means a lot to me that she knows how old he would be right now.


My Mom called me the other day and said that she got me an umbrella because it has butterflies on it. She didn't know if I would want it or not, but I do, if only for the thought she put into buying it.


I found out for sure that I am pregnant today (I've written more about it on my other blog). My fourth pregnancy. We are overjoyed. The fear hasn't totally set in yet and I am fine with that. I know everything that can go wrong, but if it isn't dominating my thoughts, I am happy. I've talked to Jacob a bit more today, thanking him mostly.


We went to Costco today to get more pregnancy tests (4 Clearblue tests for $19!) and I was looking at sleepers. I found a 9 month size one and quickly laid it on my chest, as if a baby was wearing it, his head was resting on my shoulder. I wanted to see how big Jacob would probably be. I did it all really quickly because I didn't really want anyone to wonder what I was doing. We have missed out on so much and we will always be missing out. But we are in a better place than we were last month at this time and we are grateful for that.

An article about a man's perspective of babyloss

http://www.mamamia.com.au/parenting/dealing-with-the-loss-of-a-child-a-mans-perspective/

His absence is everywhere

Today is 13 months since he was born. A year ago today, we went to the garden where he is buried. I was crying and, in my head, asked him to send me a butterfly to tell me he is ok. Within 2 minutes, a monarch flew down onto the tree he is buried under. It flew to the other side of the tree. Then it flew towards Ted and I, landing 2 or 3 times on the hedge as it made its way towards us. It was amazing and I will never forget it.

We went to a Canada Day celebration at Bronte Harbour after with my parents, sister and nephew. Thinking back, I don't know why we were there. There were pregnant women and babies and families everywhere. We decided not to go this year. Perhaps we will head down there around 10pm to see the fireworks. It should be "safer" then.

Last year I got this henna tattoo at the Canada Day celebration. I had been thinking of a tattoo for weeks, but thought a temporary one would help me decide.

It is very similar to the permanent one that I got on December 19, 2010.

Today we were talking about the dark, dark place we were in last year, how raw the grief was. I couldn't even picture a year ahead and here we are.

Today we went to a Celebration of Life/Memorial service for my aunt's mother, who passed away in March. It was a nice service, with a drum circle at the end. I was OK for awhile, but when my sister arrived with my nephews, Jacob's absence became more pronounced. My aunts, uncles and cousins had only seen pictures of Daniel up until today, so they all looked at him, talked to him....the usual things people do with babies. All I could think of was that I should have been holding Jacob. He would be 8.5 months old. He should have been there.

I didn't know if anyone noticed my tattoo. On the way home, I found out that my Dad's cousin did notice it. She was standing beside my Dad, looked at the tattoo and said "Jacob". I don't think she said anything else (I wasn't standing with them at the time), but it makes me feel good that she noticed it.

I found this poem in the paper today, in the Memoriam section of the newspaper. It is for a 15 year old girl from her siblings:

So many things have happened,

Since you were called away,

So many things to share with you,

Had you been left to stay,

Every day in some small way,

Memories of you come our way,

Though absent, you are ever near,

Still missed, loved, and always dear.

It is how we feel, everyday.

We went to the Canada Day fireworks tonight.  I was ok at first, but got more depressed as it went on and I looked forward to them ending. We saw lots of families, babies in strollers and pregnant women. Maybe that did it. It usually does. Or maybe it was knowing that Jacob should have been there with us. We probably wouldn't have even brought him for the fireworks this year as they are so loud.

We miss him so much.