May 12, 2010
I didn't sleep well at all because I was so stressed out about the bleeding. The bleeding had stopped though, so I went to work and just didn't move around much. As the day went on, the more I wanted to go to the hospital (my OB was on vacation). When Ted and I started to go home, I told him that I wanted to go to the hospital right away. So we got to the condo, jumped in the car and drove to York Central Hospital. We were in and out within 2 hours, I couldn't believe it. The ER wasn't empty either. I still remember some of the other patients near me. The 8 year old boy with the cut on his head, the adult children with their mother that I later say in the red zone and their discussing what to get for her to eat.
When we got there, I dropped my health card off and waited about 10 minutes before I was called back. The triage nurse was really nice. She took my blood pressure, pulse and temperature and I explained why I was there. She seemed relieved when I said that the bleeding had mostly stopped and there was just a little bit of brown blood. My pulse was really fast at 131; she was worried about it and asked if it was usually so high. I said that I was really anxious. Another nurse was there by this time and they both said that they would be anxious too. She said that Dr. V was on and he is her favourite doctor ever, really nice and easy to talk to.
I was sent to the red zone and waited about 15 minutes there. There were people around me coughing and I couldn't wait to get away from them. I was called over for some blood work. The nurse, Sasha, was nice and also seemed relieved when I said that the bleeding wasn't bad. She had a Sick Kids lanyard on, so I asked if she worked there, or used to, and she said her daughter was being followed there and I told her I used to volunteer there. I went back to the red zone to wait and, within 5 minutes, was called to a room. All of the beds around us were only separated by a curtain, but we were in a room with an automatic sliding glass door. At the time, I thought it was the only place they had available. After Jacob died, I started to think that we were put there in case the ultrasound showed that the baby was dead.
I lay down on the bed and Ted sat beside it and we waited. It was a little chilly in the room, but I was glad to be away from all the sick people. Dr. V came in after awhile. Not only was he nice and easy to talk to, he was also cute. He shook both of our hands and went over everything again. He seemed really worried about my pulse and checked it again. It was almost back to normal and I was surprised that he had been so concerned about it. He felt my belly and then got the ER ultrasound machine and started the ultrasound. I couldn't see the screen, but I was watching his face. When he lifted up his arm and looked at his watch while watching the screen, I felt a wave of relief that the baby was alive. I hadn't even realized until then that the baby might already be dead, I was just worried that labour might be starting. He then turned the screen so that we could see it and Jacob was moving all around. Dr. V said that the baby was very active and I felt so proud. I asked him where the placenta was, but he said he couldn't tell since he wasn't trained on ultrasound and just knew enough to be able to see the baby.
He guessed that the placenta may have pulled away slightly from the uterine wall and said that it would probably fix itself, but the worst case would be that it would detach and then nothing could be done. He said to come back the next day for an ultrasound in the diagnostic imaging clinic so that we could find out for sure what was happening. I don't remember if he went over all the things that it could be, or if I have just read enough to know.....subchorionic hemorrhage, placenta previa or partial placenta previa.
We drove home, feeling more relieved than when we got there. I took it easy again, only getting up when I really had to.
May 12, 2011
A regular day at work. I few weeks ago, I thought that I might not need to sleep with Jacob's blanket anymore. I would still keep it under my pillow, but maybe I could sleep without holding it. I never did do that though and I can't even imagine sleeping without it now. I wake up holding it close to my face every morning. I wake up several times a night and bring it closer. If I'm not holding it, I feel a moment of panic until I find it.
I went out at lunch to find a gift for a friend. I found myself in a department store heading towards the children's department. I knew I shouldn't do it, but I just had to find an outfit for a 6-9 month old baby to see what kind of clothes Jacob might have been wearing. I found a sleeper for a 6 month old and lay it across my chest and over my shoulder to see how big he would look against me (if anyone saw me, they probably thought I was crazy). Then I saw some baby mannequins wearing sleepers and searched for one wearing a 6-month size sleeper. I found one and stared and stared and stared at it. I felt the contours of the mannequins chest and imagined what Jacob would have felt like in the sleeper. He would be 7 months old on Saturday. I still don't understand how this is my life.
Our sad ticker
Friday, May 13, 2011
My birthday, then and now
I wrote and posted this on May 11th, but blogger had some technical difficulties and deleted it.
May 11, 2010
A Tuesday and my birthday. I had a nice day, until dinner. Jessie took me out to lunch to a crepe place and they were delicious. She gave me 2 maternity tank tops and a blue blouse that wasn’t maternity, but worked well for it just the same. My colleagues had taken me out for lunch the day before, I think, to a sushi place. I had cucumber rolls, being as careful as I could not to eat anything that I shouldn’t.
Ted took me out for dinner to East Side Mario’s. As we were turning into the parking lot of the restaurant, I was having some lower back pain, similar to the pain I get when I have my period. I thought it was strange, but was relieved that I didn’t have any cramps.
We got into the restaurant, ordered and then I went to the bathroom because I just had to check. I was scared when I saw some brown blood in my underwear. I washed my hands and was drying them when I felt more come out and a wave of nausea and fear went through me. I went back in the stall and saw some bright red blood, about a teaspoon full. My hands started shaking, but I tried to reassure myself that there wasn’t much blood and I wasn’t having any cramping.
I didn’t tell Ted about the bleeding until after dinner. I didn’t want him to worry. I didn’t enjoy the dinner at all, because I was just so worried the whole time. As we walked to the car, I told him and he said that his ex had some bleeding with Keshia around the same time and she was/is fine, so he wasn’t worried. That helped reassure me a little. I also didn’t have any more bright red blood come out again.
We got home and I lay on the couch until it was time to go to bed. I had a terrible sleep. My heart was racing all night.
May 11, 2011
Last year on this date, I thought I would have a baby in my arms for my next birthday. Then he died and I couldn’t even see as far into the future as my next birthday. Most of the time, I couldn’t see as far as the next week. Then I was pregnant with August, which ended before I even knew it. Then I was pregnant with Cub and thought that I would be pregnant on my birthday, not going through a bunch of tests to figure out why I have now had 3 losses.
Even so, my birthday this year wasn’t as bad as it could have been. As I thought it would be, thanks to all of the people who reached out to me.
I received a gift in the mail a few weeks ago and through an amazing feat of willpower, didn’t open it until the morning of my birthday. It is a beautiful garden stone with 3 butterflies on it.
We had an appointment with the genetic counselor, so I spent my lunch hour there. There was, of course, a pregnant woman in the waiting room…around 5 months pregnant. The worst stage for me to see. She looked mad in general. She pulled out her ipad and she was called shortly after and looked annoyed as she put it away. That annoyed me and I wished I could tell her a few things.
The genetic counselor, Allison, was nice, soft spoken and easy to talk to. She went through a detailed family history. I mentioned Jacob’s name once and a few minutes later, she said his name again, which I loved. When I first told her about him, she asked how we were doing and I said that it is day by day. She told us about some genetic causes of recurrent loss, including translocation. When she left the room to see if the lab was ready for us, Ted said he was now even more amazed that any of us are here, after learning about more ways that things could go wrong. We had some blood taken and left.
Jessie sent me an email around 1 and asked if I would be around for her to drop off a gift. She came around 1:30pm and we went outside to a nearby courtyard. The card she chose was perfect. It said how we have been through good times and bad, laughter and tears, etc. She made it more perfect by mentioning Jacob in it.
She got me a pink shirt from Jacob, wrapped in tissue paper with “JACOB” stamped on it, a small gumball dispenser (because I had one when I was a teenager) and some candy she knows I like. Jessie is also the cake maker in the family because she decorates them so well. Since she hadn’t made a cake, she bought a really cute cupcake and brought that for me.
Melanie, my coworker, had asked before if I wanted to go out for lunch with the department, but I had said no. So she bought a card, had everyone sign it and then brought me into the meeting room for a “meeting”, which I knew was a ruse. They were all there and we had cupcakes. It was nice.
I told Ted I didn’t want to go out for dinner since we were in a retaurant last year when I started bleeding. Just the thought of going to one filled me with anxiety. We picked up the car from Canadian Tire, got some take out Swiss Chalet and went home to eat.
A little later, Mom called and asked if she and Ben could come by with a gift. They came about 30 minutes later and Ben walked in the house and announced “We got you a present!”. He was fun to have around, all smiles and questions.
My Dad emailed me a few days ago and said that we should do something extra nice for my birthday, like going to the zoo, Toronto Island, the museum or Niagara Falls. I think it is so sweet that he is trying to plan something special, but all of those places will have pregnant women and babies. I told him this and he was understanding. I think we are getting together at Laurie’s house on the weekend and will BBQ or get pizza or something. That will be a lot of hours around the baby, but maybe I am strong enough for it now. Time will tell.
I talked to Jacob, as I do everyday. I managed not to cry.
May 11, 2010
A Tuesday and my birthday. I had a nice day, until dinner. Jessie took me out to lunch to a crepe place and they were delicious. She gave me 2 maternity tank tops and a blue blouse that wasn’t maternity, but worked well for it just the same. My colleagues had taken me out for lunch the day before, I think, to a sushi place. I had cucumber rolls, being as careful as I could not to eat anything that I shouldn’t.
Ted took me out for dinner to East Side Mario’s. As we were turning into the parking lot of the restaurant, I was having some lower back pain, similar to the pain I get when I have my period. I thought it was strange, but was relieved that I didn’t have any cramps.
We got into the restaurant, ordered and then I went to the bathroom because I just had to check. I was scared when I saw some brown blood in my underwear. I washed my hands and was drying them when I felt more come out and a wave of nausea and fear went through me. I went back in the stall and saw some bright red blood, about a teaspoon full. My hands started shaking, but I tried to reassure myself that there wasn’t much blood and I wasn’t having any cramping.
I didn’t tell Ted about the bleeding until after dinner. I didn’t want him to worry. I didn’t enjoy the dinner at all, because I was just so worried the whole time. As we walked to the car, I told him and he said that his ex had some bleeding with Keshia around the same time and she was/is fine, so he wasn’t worried. That helped reassure me a little. I also didn’t have any more bright red blood come out again.
We got home and I lay on the couch until it was time to go to bed. I had a terrible sleep. My heart was racing all night.
May 11, 2011
Last year on this date, I thought I would have a baby in my arms for my next birthday. Then he died and I couldn’t even see as far into the future as my next birthday. Most of the time, I couldn’t see as far as the next week. Then I was pregnant with August, which ended before I even knew it. Then I was pregnant with Cub and thought that I would be pregnant on my birthday, not going through a bunch of tests to figure out why I have now had 3 losses.
Even so, my birthday this year wasn’t as bad as it could have been. As I thought it would be, thanks to all of the people who reached out to me.
I received a gift in the mail a few weeks ago and through an amazing feat of willpower, didn’t open it until the morning of my birthday. It is a beautiful garden stone with 3 butterflies on it.
We had an appointment with the genetic counselor, so I spent my lunch hour there. There was, of course, a pregnant woman in the waiting room…around 5 months pregnant. The worst stage for me to see. She looked mad in general. She pulled out her ipad and she was called shortly after and looked annoyed as she put it away. That annoyed me and I wished I could tell her a few things.
The genetic counselor, Allison, was nice, soft spoken and easy to talk to. She went through a detailed family history. I mentioned Jacob’s name once and a few minutes later, she said his name again, which I loved. When I first told her about him, she asked how we were doing and I said that it is day by day. She told us about some genetic causes of recurrent loss, including translocation. When she left the room to see if the lab was ready for us, Ted said he was now even more amazed that any of us are here, after learning about more ways that things could go wrong. We had some blood taken and left.
Jessie sent me an email around 1 and asked if I would be around for her to drop off a gift. She came around 1:30pm and we went outside to a nearby courtyard. The card she chose was perfect. It said how we have been through good times and bad, laughter and tears, etc. She made it more perfect by mentioning Jacob in it.
She got me a pink shirt from Jacob, wrapped in tissue paper with “JACOB” stamped on it, a small gumball dispenser (because I had one when I was a teenager) and some candy she knows I like. Jessie is also the cake maker in the family because she decorates them so well. Since she hadn’t made a cake, she bought a really cute cupcake and brought that for me.
Melanie, my coworker, had asked before if I wanted to go out for lunch with the department, but I had said no. So she bought a card, had everyone sign it and then brought me into the meeting room for a “meeting”, which I knew was a ruse. They were all there and we had cupcakes. It was nice.
I told Ted I didn’t want to go out for dinner since we were in a retaurant last year when I started bleeding. Just the thought of going to one filled me with anxiety. We picked up the car from Canadian Tire, got some take out Swiss Chalet and went home to eat.
A little later, Mom called and asked if she and Ben could come by with a gift. They came about 30 minutes later and Ben walked in the house and announced “We got you a present!”. He was fun to have around, all smiles and questions.
My Dad emailed me a few days ago and said that we should do something extra nice for my birthday, like going to the zoo, Toronto Island, the museum or Niagara Falls. I think it is so sweet that he is trying to plan something special, but all of those places will have pregnant women and babies. I told him this and he was understanding. I think we are getting together at Laurie’s house on the weekend and will BBQ or get pizza or something. That will be a lot of hours around the baby, but maybe I am strong enough for it now. Time will tell.
I talked to Jacob, as I do everyday. I managed not to cry.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Ways he has changed me
Jacob has changed me to the core of my being. He has made me stronger and he has made me more vulnerable. But the strength seems to be winning out these days. I've already lost the ultimate, afterall. Nothing can hurt me as badly.
The happiest days of my life were when he was with me, and the darkest days of my life were after he left. I am still navigating through the dark days and I always will be.
He has given me the courage to try new things. He has made me more outgoing too. I don't have the same fear of failure and rejection that I used to. I still have that fear, but it isn't as strong. I'm more likely to take risks, even if that risk is as small as talking to someone who I don't know or calling out someone's name in a crowd when I think I know them, but I'm not really sure (like at the hospital when I thought I saw the social worker and called her name. The old me might not have taken the chance for fear of looking dumb). When I get scared of something, I tell myself that I have already been through the worst thing, the death of my child.
Last year, my Mom joined the Clarkson Music Theatre group and was in a cabaret show in May 2010. I went to see her perform on May 29th, a Saturday night, 2 days before I found out that Jacob had died.
Because she broke her ankle in November 2010, she needed a drive to the practices for this year's show, which started in January. I had thought about joining before since I love to sing and I love being on stage singing. So I drove her to the first practice and participated in it. A friend of my Mom's and one of the producers of the show, Margo, knew that I was coming and didn't say anything about having to audition before I arrived. When I got there, Margo and another producer, Christine, said that I would just have to do a short audition at the end of the practice if I wanted to join. I had been hoping that people wouldn't really notice me and I wouldn't have to audition, but of course they did notice me and I had to.
During that 3 hour practice, I alternated between being nervous about auditioning and not being nervous, because my son died and I had survived that, so what was one little audition? I think my Mom was more worried about it than I was, because she was worried about me being nervous, and it was sweet. She wrote notes to me in the margins of the music, saying that I didn't have to do it and we could run out as soon as practice was over. I considered it, and part of me wanted to, but the other part of me said that I got through my baby dying and what is the worst that can happen here? I was scared though, that I would be more depressed if I didn't pass the audition. Any rejection at that point could make me lose any progress I had made, could knock me back into the pit that was already taking me so long to climb my way out of. I felt so fragile. It was 2 months since I lost Cub and I was still reeling from so many losses in 6 months. I didn't tell Mom that I was worried about that happening, but she had been thinking the same thing. I liked that she was worried about that.
Then I moved onto the problem of what to sing. I thought of all these songs from musicals, which I know off by heart, but I was worried it wouldn’t be good enough.
At the end of the practice, Mom said to Margo that maybe I would think about joining and right away Margo asked if I was nervous. I said a little and she said to just sing Oh Canada or something, which is what I did. While we waited for everyone to leave, Mom and I went into another room and I practiced singing Oh Canada. We came out and Margo thought that we had left and had been looking for us. I went into the room with Bob, the music director. We were the only ones in the room and he immediately put me at ease. I sang Oh Canada and he listened and looked at me, smiling the whole time. I sang about half the song before he stopped me, said it was great and that I was in. He told me that some people sang Happy Birthday and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star in their auditions. Poor Mom was waiting outside the door, not realizing that everyone had left but Bob and she was feeling terrible for me.
I was, and am, really proud of myself for doing it. And I know that Jacob was the one who gave me the courage to do it. I told him that as I was going to get the car and thanked him for changing me for the better.
Practices were every Wednesday night in February, March and April. The last two weeks, we had practices on Monday and Wednesday. When I first started going, I was pretty sure that I would either have to stop going halfway through because I would be pregnant before the shows at the beginning of May. I was so nauseous when I was pregnant with Jacob, so I figured I would be again and would have to quit. Or, I wouldn't have to quit, but I would have a growing belly as I went to practices and more hope in my life. Of course, neither of those things happened.
The first few practices were hard because everyone was in high spirits and talking, joking and laughing with each other. I still had, and have, problems doing that. It had only been recent that I could be with more than 2 people and not be totally uncomfortable and overwhelmed. Seeing all of those people so happy showed me what a long way I still had to go. I felt so disoriented among them, the happy people. I wasn't one of them and I didn't even have the strength to pretend that I was. They were so foreign to me. It was hard to believe that I had ever been one of them.
Although I enjoyed singing, it was hard to go to practice sometimes. I've always been a homebody, but it got worse after Jacob died. I didn't like to be out and have the expectations of others on me. I didn't like to have to be out and acting OK when I could be at home. But I kept going because: a) Mom needed me to take her there in the beginning before her foot and shoulder started getting a lot better, and b) I wanted Jacob to be proud of me. Mom and I have also always talked about joining a choir together and it seemed like a good opportunity so I didn't want to stop going and one day regret that we never did it.
As time went on, it was easier to be among the happy people there. I didn't feel like such an outsider to their world. I didn't joke around with them much, but I didn't feel like I was struggling to get through each practice without crying. I didn't feel badly for enjoying myself when singing. I always felt like I was singing to Jacob anyway.
We had one rehearsal in the church we would be performing in. This was the same church that the show was in last year and I found it hard to walk in there again. The last time I was in the church, Jacob was in my belly. He was dead, but I didn't know that at the time. I looked around the lobby and remembered standing there with my big belly. I walked into the sanctuary and stared and stared at the seat that I was in last year. I saw Jessie, Brian, Dad and I sitting there. I was telling Jessie and Brian, who were sitting on either side of me, how one side of my belly was getting hard and the baby must be shifting around. They both felt my belly at one point and said they could feel the difference. I was wearing my maternity pants because they were the only ones that fit. I was so happy. And in 2 days, I would be hearing his heartbeat again and I couldn't wait.
All of those images went through my mind and it wasn't easy to focus on rehearsing.
Our first show was on Friday, May 6th. I wasn't nervous about the show, which was a little surprising. Mom was nervous and was surprised that I wasn't, but I told her that I've been through worse. Jacob died, nothing can touch that.
The show went well and was fun. It was fun to see the audience getting into it and singing along or just dancing around in their seats. There were a few songs that were my favorites, songs that I would have liked to sing to Jacob. In one song, different groups of singers (altos, sopranos, second sopranos) would sing different parts at different times, and then we would all come together at a certain word and I loved that part. I felt Jacob close when that happened.
The show on Saturday night was good too. The only bad thing was that a woman who was about 5 months pregnant was there. I saw her when walking through the lobby before the show started. I hoped that she wouldn't be finding out in 2 days that her baby was dead. I didn't see where she was in the audience until the second act. I tried not to focus on her, but my eyes drifted her way once in a while. Some of Mom's friends came to the show on Saturday. It was nice looking out and seeing familiar faces.
The last night of the show was Sunday night. Ted, Jessie and Dave, Lindsay, Dad and Dave's Mom Janice came on Sunday. I was more nervous on Sunday, but still not too badly. As we made our entrance to the stage, I looked out and they were all smiling at us. We sang a few songs before leaving the stage for the soloists. I wondered if Jessie was remembering being there last year when I was pregnant. I wondered if they knew that I was thinking about Jacob the whole time I was on the stage.
The happiest days of my life were when he was with me, and the darkest days of my life were after he left. I am still navigating through the dark days and I always will be.
He has given me the courage to try new things. He has made me more outgoing too. I don't have the same fear of failure and rejection that I used to. I still have that fear, but it isn't as strong. I'm more likely to take risks, even if that risk is as small as talking to someone who I don't know or calling out someone's name in a crowd when I think I know them, but I'm not really sure (like at the hospital when I thought I saw the social worker and called her name. The old me might not have taken the chance for fear of looking dumb). When I get scared of something, I tell myself that I have already been through the worst thing, the death of my child.
Last year, my Mom joined the Clarkson Music Theatre group and was in a cabaret show in May 2010. I went to see her perform on May 29th, a Saturday night, 2 days before I found out that Jacob had died.
Because she broke her ankle in November 2010, she needed a drive to the practices for this year's show, which started in January. I had thought about joining before since I love to sing and I love being on stage singing. So I drove her to the first practice and participated in it. A friend of my Mom's and one of the producers of the show, Margo, knew that I was coming and didn't say anything about having to audition before I arrived. When I got there, Margo and another producer, Christine, said that I would just have to do a short audition at the end of the practice if I wanted to join. I had been hoping that people wouldn't really notice me and I wouldn't have to audition, but of course they did notice me and I had to.
During that 3 hour practice, I alternated between being nervous about auditioning and not being nervous, because my son died and I had survived that, so what was one little audition? I think my Mom was more worried about it than I was, because she was worried about me being nervous, and it was sweet. She wrote notes to me in the margins of the music, saying that I didn't have to do it and we could run out as soon as practice was over. I considered it, and part of me wanted to, but the other part of me said that I got through my baby dying and what is the worst that can happen here? I was scared though, that I would be more depressed if I didn't pass the audition. Any rejection at that point could make me lose any progress I had made, could knock me back into the pit that was already taking me so long to climb my way out of. I felt so fragile. It was 2 months since I lost Cub and I was still reeling from so many losses in 6 months. I didn't tell Mom that I was worried about that happening, but she had been thinking the same thing. I liked that she was worried about that.
Then I moved onto the problem of what to sing. I thought of all these songs from musicals, which I know off by heart, but I was worried it wouldn’t be good enough.
At the end of the practice, Mom said to Margo that maybe I would think about joining and right away Margo asked if I was nervous. I said a little and she said to just sing Oh Canada or something, which is what I did. While we waited for everyone to leave, Mom and I went into another room and I practiced singing Oh Canada. We came out and Margo thought that we had left and had been looking for us. I went into the room with Bob, the music director. We were the only ones in the room and he immediately put me at ease. I sang Oh Canada and he listened and looked at me, smiling the whole time. I sang about half the song before he stopped me, said it was great and that I was in. He told me that some people sang Happy Birthday and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star in their auditions. Poor Mom was waiting outside the door, not realizing that everyone had left but Bob and she was feeling terrible for me.
I was, and am, really proud of myself for doing it. And I know that Jacob was the one who gave me the courage to do it. I told him that as I was going to get the car and thanked him for changing me for the better.
Practices were every Wednesday night in February, March and April. The last two weeks, we had practices on Monday and Wednesday. When I first started going, I was pretty sure that I would either have to stop going halfway through because I would be pregnant before the shows at the beginning of May. I was so nauseous when I was pregnant with Jacob, so I figured I would be again and would have to quit. Or, I wouldn't have to quit, but I would have a growing belly as I went to practices and more hope in my life. Of course, neither of those things happened.
The first few practices were hard because everyone was in high spirits and talking, joking and laughing with each other. I still had, and have, problems doing that. It had only been recent that I could be with more than 2 people and not be totally uncomfortable and overwhelmed. Seeing all of those people so happy showed me what a long way I still had to go. I felt so disoriented among them, the happy people. I wasn't one of them and I didn't even have the strength to pretend that I was. They were so foreign to me. It was hard to believe that I had ever been one of them.
Although I enjoyed singing, it was hard to go to practice sometimes. I've always been a homebody, but it got worse after Jacob died. I didn't like to be out and have the expectations of others on me. I didn't like to have to be out and acting OK when I could be at home. But I kept going because: a) Mom needed me to take her there in the beginning before her foot and shoulder started getting a lot better, and b) I wanted Jacob to be proud of me. Mom and I have also always talked about joining a choir together and it seemed like a good opportunity so I didn't want to stop going and one day regret that we never did it.
As time went on, it was easier to be among the happy people there. I didn't feel like such an outsider to their world. I didn't joke around with them much, but I didn't feel like I was struggling to get through each practice without crying. I didn't feel badly for enjoying myself when singing. I always felt like I was singing to Jacob anyway.
We had one rehearsal in the church we would be performing in. This was the same church that the show was in last year and I found it hard to walk in there again. The last time I was in the church, Jacob was in my belly. He was dead, but I didn't know that at the time. I looked around the lobby and remembered standing there with my big belly. I walked into the sanctuary and stared and stared at the seat that I was in last year. I saw Jessie, Brian, Dad and I sitting there. I was telling Jessie and Brian, who were sitting on either side of me, how one side of my belly was getting hard and the baby must be shifting around. They both felt my belly at one point and said they could feel the difference. I was wearing my maternity pants because they were the only ones that fit. I was so happy. And in 2 days, I would be hearing his heartbeat again and I couldn't wait.
All of those images went through my mind and it wasn't easy to focus on rehearsing.
Our first show was on Friday, May 6th. I wasn't nervous about the show, which was a little surprising. Mom was nervous and was surprised that I wasn't, but I told her that I've been through worse. Jacob died, nothing can touch that.
The show went well and was fun. It was fun to see the audience getting into it and singing along or just dancing around in their seats. There were a few songs that were my favorites, songs that I would have liked to sing to Jacob. In one song, different groups of singers (altos, sopranos, second sopranos) would sing different parts at different times, and then we would all come together at a certain word and I loved that part. I felt Jacob close when that happened.
The show on Saturday night was good too. The only bad thing was that a woman who was about 5 months pregnant was there. I saw her when walking through the lobby before the show started. I hoped that she wouldn't be finding out in 2 days that her baby was dead. I didn't see where she was in the audience until the second act. I tried not to focus on her, but my eyes drifted her way once in a while. Some of Mom's friends came to the show on Saturday. It was nice looking out and seeing familiar faces.
The last night of the show was Sunday night. Ted, Jessie and Dave, Lindsay, Dad and Dave's Mom Janice came on Sunday. I was more nervous on Sunday, but still not too badly. As we made our entrance to the stage, I looked out and they were all smiling at us. We sang a few songs before leaving the stage for the soloists. I wondered if Jessie was remembering being there last year when I was pregnant. I wondered if they knew that I was thinking about Jacob the whole time I was on the stage.
At intermission, I went into the lobby and talked to them. Jessie came over, put her arm around me, and said how proud she is of us. I loved that. She is so sweet. Sunday was also Mother's Day. Ted gave me a card, Laurie called and said Happy Mother's Day, as did my Mom. Before we picked up Jessie to go to the show, I said to Ted that I bet that Jessie got me a card. She did and it was perfect.
The second act went well and I felt a little sad that I wouldn't be singing those songs with the group anymore. One of the songs that was sung by a soloist, The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face, has several lines that I applied to Jacob.
After the show, as we were outside and walking to the car, Jessie came up to me and said that she imagined that that song would be a good one to sing to Jacob. I hugged her, kissed her cheek and said that I love it when she says things like that.
The next day, I got this email from her:
I know I told you about the song that I imagined being sung to Jacob, but that doesn't mean that was the only time I thought about him. When I saw you in the choir I kept thinking about how you were probably thinking about him the whole time, even though you were also concentrating on singing. I had also imagined bouncing him on my lap and pointing you out to him, saying "there's Mommy", as we would have passed him around down the aisle. It was too hard to tell you that last night after the concert, since everyone was running around between the cars and in a rush to leave, and it made me emotional just to tell you about the song. I find it hard to describe my thoughts because I get a lump in my throat and I feel like I won't be able to explain it properly, or that I will say it the wrong way, but I know you'd rather hear them one way or, another, so I'm trying to tell you more. Some things are just easier to write down than to say out loud.
At the end of the show when they were thanking people and said Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers I was looking at you and saw you looking at Ted with a knowing look that was likely fighting back tears. I thought a lot the whole time about the last time we went to that concert in the same place and it was the Saturday before you found out on the Monday that Jacob had died, and how we had been sitting at the show talking about your bump and we had no idea. I was glad we were sitting on the other side of the room, because it would have been harder to sit there.
When I was talking with Laurie yesterday she was saying how strong she thought you were at the hospital, because she knew when you left the room sometimes that you were leaving to cry, but she said even so, she thought you did a great job being there because it must have been so hard. I thought you should know that.
I don't think I need to say why I love her email so much.
On our way home, Ted said that he hasn't seen me as happy as I looked on stage since Jacob died. I felt so bad for him. He has been living with someone who is always sad for almost 12 months. That isn't easy. Even when I'm not acting particularly sad, I'm still not the same person that I was.
So that is the long story of one way that Jacob has made me a stronger person. Thank you baby boy. I'm so proud that you're mine.
On our way home, Ted said that he hasn't seen me as happy as I looked on stage since Jacob died. I felt so bad for him. He has been living with someone who is always sad for almost 12 months. That isn't easy. Even when I'm not acting particularly sad, I'm still not the same person that I was.
So that is the long story of one way that Jacob has made me a stronger person. Thank you baby boy. I'm so proud that you're mine.
Monday, May 9, 2011
May 9, 2010 - Mother's Day
A year ago today was Mother's Day, my first as a Mom. We all went to church with my Mom, as we usually did on Mother's Day. I imagined sitting through the service next year with a baby on my lap. As everyone left the sanctuary, there were people handing out carnations to the Mom's and I got one.
We went into the room where coffee, tea and juice is served after church. I saw Rev. Mike in there and told him that I was pregnant.
We went back to Mom and Dad's house after. I went up to their spare room and got my Mom and sisters to come up. I lay down on the bed and showed them how you could see the outline of my uterus when I was lying down and they all gently felt my bump. I loved every second of it.
We went into the room where coffee, tea and juice is served after church. I saw Rev. Mike in there and told him that I was pregnant.
We went back to Mom and Dad's house after. I went up to their spare room and got my Mom and sisters to come up. I lay down on the bed and showed them how you could see the outline of my uterus when I was lying down and they all gently felt my bump. I loved every second of it.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
May 8, 2010 - and Mother's Day 2011
May 8, 2010
I was 17 weeks, 3 days pregnant and I wrote a journal entry that I have felt the baby move and that it is amazing. It felt like little flutters in my lower abdomen and I usually felt them in the late morning, close to noon, and early in the evening. I couldn't wait until I could feel them more often and when the kicks were strong enough for Ted to feel. Jacob always kicked me when I was sitting down.
When I lay in bed at night before going to sleep, I would look at my belly and there was almost always a higher bump on the left side that was hard to the touch. I could feel the outline of my uterus, which I loved doing, but I didn't want to disturb the baby too much so I didn't do it all the time.
We had been working on the condo almost constantly to get it ready to sell. On May 5th, we had our realtors husband over to take pictures of it. It was such a relief to have it done. It had been so hard getting it ready because I had been so nauseous. I would work for about 45 minutes, sorting out what could go into storage and what had to stay, and then I would have to stop because the nausea was just too strong.
May 8, 2011
Today is Mother's Day. Last week, my Dad sent an email to my sisters and I saying that they made reservations for brunch at a hotel today. I wrote back and said that Ted and I wouldn't be able to go as it would just be too hard. I also told Mom that I wouldn't be going to church on Mother's Day. They always give out flowers to the Mothers. I got one last year and knew it would be too painful to be there this year. She was OK with it, but did ask if I could come in and help with the nursery (the kids are usually 6 months - 2 years old). I said no, that it just isn't a good idea for me to be there and she was fine with that too. Before Jacob died, she knows that I would have helped.
Since Laurie's baby was born last Tuesday, everyone ended up going over to Laurie's house today and they were going to order in. But it is hard for me to be there. I hate that it is, but it is. I hate that I'm not helping her more, but I end up crying every time I'm there. It's not always because I see the baby. Sometimes it's because of some little innocent comment. Like how nice it is to cuddle with the baby, how big his eyes are. Anything can do it.
I was in the second of 3 shows that the music group I'm in is performing. I called Ted on my way home and could tell by his voice that he was sad. When I got home, he said that he wanted to get a mother's day card for me, but couldn't because he couldn't stand to be in that aisle. I said that it was fine and I totally understood. Then he said that he wrote something for me instead, which is what made him sad. I went to have a shower and he got on the computer and designed the card. I sat down and read it.
It has a picture of 3 butterflies, a monarch in the center and a blue butterfly on each side of it. Each child represented. It said:
Laurie called to say Happy Mother's Day. I had been hoping that my sisters and my parents would somehow acknowledge that I am a mother, so I really liked that she called. After saying Happy Mother's Day, she asked if it was alright that she said that and I said that it definitely was.
Daniel called when the marathon was done and he and Stephanie came over. They stayed for about an hour and it was nice. Ted went on the mac to show them some pictures and somehow accidentally opened the file with Jacob's pictures. He was standing in front of the computer and they were several feet behind him, so we don't know if they saw them or not. They didn't make any indication that they had, but I'm pretty sure they saw at least one.
Lindsay called while they were here and said that at church, they were giving out carnations, so she took one and put it in the garden for Jacob. I told her how happy that made me and she said that they are all at Laurie's and we should come over. I didn't say anything since I was in the same room with Daniel and Stephanie, I think I just said OK and I'd talk to her later.
When Daniel and Stephanie left, I told Ted what Lindsay did and said that I wanted to go to the garden.
So we jumped in the car and left. I called Mom at Laurie's and said Happy Mother's Day and she it back to me, which was nice. It was really busy downtown and we had to drive around to find parking. Finally we just parked behind the church, even though we aren't really supposed to.
I saw the carnation right away. Lindsay and put it in the ground where Jacob was buried. I notice two other carnations in the garden too. The garden was peaceful, the sun was shining, the tree is starting to get leaves, and the birds were chirping. I got Ted to take a picture of me close to his spot.
While we were at the garden, I asked Jacob to send me a butterfly, then I stood there for awhile hoping it would happen. It didn't, but I know it is a little early for butterflies here.
We got home, did some things and I started writing this blog. I went to the kitchen to make tea, looked out the window, and there was a white butterfly in our yard, resting on a branch. I pointed it out to Ted and the butterfly flew around and then left.
Tonight was the last night of the show Mom and I are in. We picked up Jessie at Laurie's house on the way to the show and Jessie gave me a card. I had said to Ted about an hour before that that I bet that Jessie bought a card for it. When she gave it to me, I hugged her and told her that I thought she would do that. The card says:
For My Sister
A wish for you on Mother's Day
to say I always knew
That you'd be a perfect mother,
putting love in all you do.....
And one thing that I'm certain of
is that I'll always be
Very proud of my great sister,
and her special family!
Have a Great Mother's Day!
One of the songs in the show was The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face.
After the show, Jessie said that she thought of Jacob while she was listening to it and that she thought that it would be a good song for me to sing to him. I grabbed her, kissed her on the cheek and said that I love it when she says things like that.
I had a bit of a breakthrough yesterday. Before Jacob died, if I heard a song that I liked, I would start moving my head a little until the song was over. Over the past few months, Ted has been saying that I haven't done that since Jacob died and he misses it. We were in Bed Bath and Beyond yesterday (where we bought the butterfly) and a song from the concert I'm in came on. I started moving my head and singing along in my head. Ted came over to me with a big smile and said that I'm doing it, that I'm moving my head to music and it was the best thing that happened all day.
I was 17 weeks, 3 days pregnant and I wrote a journal entry that I have felt the baby move and that it is amazing. It felt like little flutters in my lower abdomen and I usually felt them in the late morning, close to noon, and early in the evening. I couldn't wait until I could feel them more often and when the kicks were strong enough for Ted to feel. Jacob always kicked me when I was sitting down.
When I lay in bed at night before going to sleep, I would look at my belly and there was almost always a higher bump on the left side that was hard to the touch. I could feel the outline of my uterus, which I loved doing, but I didn't want to disturb the baby too much so I didn't do it all the time.
We had been working on the condo almost constantly to get it ready to sell. On May 5th, we had our realtors husband over to take pictures of it. It was such a relief to have it done. It had been so hard getting it ready because I had been so nauseous. I would work for about 45 minutes, sorting out what could go into storage and what had to stay, and then I would have to stop because the nausea was just too strong.
May 8, 2011
Today is Mother's Day. Last week, my Dad sent an email to my sisters and I saying that they made reservations for brunch at a hotel today. I wrote back and said that Ted and I wouldn't be able to go as it would just be too hard. I also told Mom that I wouldn't be going to church on Mother's Day. They always give out flowers to the Mothers. I got one last year and knew it would be too painful to be there this year. She was OK with it, but did ask if I could come in and help with the nursery (the kids are usually 6 months - 2 years old). I said no, that it just isn't a good idea for me to be there and she was fine with that too. Before Jacob died, she knows that I would have helped.
Since Laurie's baby was born last Tuesday, everyone ended up going over to Laurie's house today and they were going to order in. But it is hard for me to be there. I hate that it is, but it is. I hate that I'm not helping her more, but I end up crying every time I'm there. It's not always because I see the baby. Sometimes it's because of some little innocent comment. Like how nice it is to cuddle with the baby, how big his eyes are. Anything can do it.
I was in the second of 3 shows that the music group I'm in is performing. I called Ted on my way home and could tell by his voice that he was sad. When I got home, he said that he wanted to get a mother's day card for me, but couldn't because he couldn't stand to be in that aisle. I said that it was fine and I totally understood. Then he said that he wrote something for me instead, which is what made him sad. I went to have a shower and he got on the computer and designed the card. I sat down and read it.
It has a picture of 3 butterflies, a monarch in the center and a blue butterfly on each side of it. Each child represented. It said:
Though we have lost so much……..we have each other and the loving memories of our son
Tomorrow is mothers day and my heart goes out to you.
This should have been a very happy day for you and Jacob. Mothers Day should have been the gift that Jacob wanted to deliver to you, but could not. As tears stream down my face and the pain of thorns in my heart, I can only imagine what you are going through. I thank God for you everyday. I thank him for the strength you use to keep going when all is lost. Thank you Dana for keep giving when you should be receiving.
Our angel of God is thanking you for being his mothering. Thank you for your tender touch you used as you stroke your belly and your voice for the songs you sang to him everyday. Thank you for speaking to him all the time.
Most of all……I want to thank you for saying his name everyday…..this keep him alive in my heart and with me everyday.
Happy mothers day….You are a great mother to our son JACOB
It made me cry and it made me even more grateful for him.
Earlier that day, we bought a butterfly to put in the backyard. It is a solar light, so after I read the card, he went in the backyard and turned it on and we watched it change colours for a few minutes.
I woke up in the morning and stayed in bed for awhile, just holding Jacob's blanket and thinking. Ted said Happy Mother's Day and we lay there hugging for awhile.
We got up and Ted noticed that a marathon was being run on our street, so we sat on the porch for awhile and watched them. We saw Wendy, my old boss, and Daniel and Stephanie. I imagined that I should be sitting on the porch with Jacob on my lap as we watched them.
Carried called and we talked for 20 minutes. It was nice to hear from her. She had a nice sign from her boys and that made me happy.
Laurie called to say Happy Mother's Day. I had been hoping that my sisters and my parents would somehow acknowledge that I am a mother, so I really liked that she called. After saying Happy Mother's Day, she asked if it was alright that she said that and I said that it definitely was.
Daniel called when the marathon was done and he and Stephanie came over. They stayed for about an hour and it was nice. Ted went on the mac to show them some pictures and somehow accidentally opened the file with Jacob's pictures. He was standing in front of the computer and they were several feet behind him, so we don't know if they saw them or not. They didn't make any indication that they had, but I'm pretty sure they saw at least one.
Lindsay called while they were here and said that at church, they were giving out carnations, so she took one and put it in the garden for Jacob. I told her how happy that made me and she said that they are all at Laurie's and we should come over. I didn't say anything since I was in the same room with Daniel and Stephanie, I think I just said OK and I'd talk to her later.
When Daniel and Stephanie left, I told Ted what Lindsay did and said that I wanted to go to the garden.
So we jumped in the car and left. I called Mom at Laurie's and said Happy Mother's Day and she it back to me, which was nice. It was really busy downtown and we had to drive around to find parking. Finally we just parked behind the church, even though we aren't really supposed to.
I saw the carnation right away. Lindsay and put it in the ground where Jacob was buried. I notice two other carnations in the garden too. The garden was peaceful, the sun was shining, the tree is starting to get leaves, and the birds were chirping. I got Ted to take a picture of me close to his spot.
While we were at the garden, I asked Jacob to send me a butterfly, then I stood there for awhile hoping it would happen. It didn't, but I know it is a little early for butterflies here.
We got home, did some things and I started writing this blog. I went to the kitchen to make tea, looked out the window, and there was a white butterfly in our yard, resting on a branch. I pointed it out to Ted and the butterfly flew around and then left.
Tonight was the last night of the show Mom and I are in. We picked up Jessie at Laurie's house on the way to the show and Jessie gave me a card. I had said to Ted about an hour before that that I bet that Jessie bought a card for it. When she gave it to me, I hugged her and told her that I thought she would do that. The card says:
For My Sister
A wish for you on Mother's Day
to say I always knew
That you'd be a perfect mother,
putting love in all you do.....
And one thing that I'm certain of
is that I'll always be
Very proud of my great sister,
and her special family!
Have a Great Mother's Day!
One of the songs in the show was The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face.
After the show, Jessie said that she thought of Jacob while she was listening to it and that she thought that it would be a good song for me to sing to him. I grabbed her, kissed her on the cheek and said that I love it when she says things like that.
I had a bit of a breakthrough yesterday. Before Jacob died, if I heard a song that I liked, I would start moving my head a little until the song was over. Over the past few months, Ted has been saying that I haven't done that since Jacob died and he misses it. We were in Bed Bath and Beyond yesterday (where we bought the butterfly) and a song from the concert I'm in came on. I started moving my head and singing along in my head. Ted came over to me with a big smile and said that I'm doing it, that I'm moving my head to music and it was the best thing that happened all day.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
May 7, 2010
Dr. A. called me today as the results of my IPS screening were in. She called me around 1pm, just after I left for lunch. She tried calling my work number, my cell phone and my home number, but got voicemail at work and home and no answer on my cell because I was underground.
She left a message at work, apologizing for leaving a message and explained how she had tried to call me at all my numbers, but that she was leaving on vacation for a week and wanted to call before she left.
She said the IPS screening came back with a 1:287 chance of a neural tube defect. She said that chances are that everything is fine, that there was still a 97% chance that it was, but that she has made arrangements and I should call her office as she has left instructions for me. I heart started racing when I picked up the message and I called her office right away, but got voicemail, which said that the machine doesn't take messages and the office is closed for vacation. It beeped so I left a message anyway and got a call back about 5 minutes later from Jan, the nurse.
I already had an appointment for the anatomy scan on May 26th at the prenatal clinic at the hospital. Because of the IPS test result, Dr. A moved it up to May 17th. They made the appointment for me and Jan said that another OB, the head of OB at the hospital, would be there and would give me the results right away. She also reiterated what Dr. A said, that there was still a 97% chance that the baby was fine. I tried to hang on to that, but was worried of course.
May 7, 2011
I spoke to my friend on the phone for a few hours this morning, then we went to Laurie's. Mom and Dad were there, and Ted and I were picking Dad and Ben up to go to the elementary school I went too. The school was having an open house for its 50th birthday. We got into Laurie's house and just then a neighbour came by and dropped off a gift for the baby and a gift for Ben. Mom came out of the bedroom holding the baby and the neighbour looked at him and asked about the birth and they talked about the hospital. I was OK with all this, but then Laurie said how nice the nurses were....how a nurse came into her room at night and they talked for 30 minutes and gave the baby a bath and I felt the tears come. I turned my face away, but knew I wouldn't be able to hide it, so I said I was going outside to do something.
I walked outside and started a full-out cry. Ted was out there (he went outside when Mom brought the baby out and the doorway was getting crowded). We started hugging as I cried.
The neighbour eventually left and Dad came out with Ben and put him in his carseat. We drove over to the school and walked in. They had rooms designated for students who were there in a certain decade. After looking around the school, we went into the 1980s room and an old classmate, Heather, saw me and called my name. We talked for a minute, and she pointed out 2 other classmates who were there, Nadia and Rob. Nadia was holding a 5 year old girls hand and Heather had a boy and a girl with her, about 7 and 4. She asked if Ben was my little one and I said he was my nephew but didn't say anything about Jacob, although I wanted too. We said we would see each other later and she left. Then I felt terrible. I should have been holding Jacob or pushing him in a stroller.
Ted and I had to leave to take the car in for its drive-clean test, so we left Ben with Dad and went to do that. I felt so depressed after.
We got home a few hours later and Laurie called. We had a good talk and I told her why I left earlier, because I was crying. I said that I hate that I'm so sensitive and that I don't want her to censor herself around me. She emailed a picture of the baby to everyone earlier and said that she wondered if she should have sent it to me. Although it did hurt to see it, I don't want to be left out either. I still care about the baby, of course, but every little look he gives is another reminder of who I don't have. She is still going to send me emails, but will title them so I know what's in there.
I told her I love the baby and I'm so glad he's OK, but I never know what is going to set me off. She said she cried because she didn't get the first week with Ben at home, so she can't even begin to imagine what it is like for me.
She left a message at work, apologizing for leaving a message and explained how she had tried to call me at all my numbers, but that she was leaving on vacation for a week and wanted to call before she left.
She said the IPS screening came back with a 1:287 chance of a neural tube defect. She said that chances are that everything is fine, that there was still a 97% chance that it was, but that she has made arrangements and I should call her office as she has left instructions for me. I heart started racing when I picked up the message and I called her office right away, but got voicemail, which said that the machine doesn't take messages and the office is closed for vacation. It beeped so I left a message anyway and got a call back about 5 minutes later from Jan, the nurse.
I already had an appointment for the anatomy scan on May 26th at the prenatal clinic at the hospital. Because of the IPS test result, Dr. A moved it up to May 17th. They made the appointment for me and Jan said that another OB, the head of OB at the hospital, would be there and would give me the results right away. She also reiterated what Dr. A said, that there was still a 97% chance that the baby was fine. I tried to hang on to that, but was worried of course.
May 7, 2011
I spoke to my friend on the phone for a few hours this morning, then we went to Laurie's. Mom and Dad were there, and Ted and I were picking Dad and Ben up to go to the elementary school I went too. The school was having an open house for its 50th birthday. We got into Laurie's house and just then a neighbour came by and dropped off a gift for the baby and a gift for Ben. Mom came out of the bedroom holding the baby and the neighbour looked at him and asked about the birth and they talked about the hospital. I was OK with all this, but then Laurie said how nice the nurses were....how a nurse came into her room at night and they talked for 30 minutes and gave the baby a bath and I felt the tears come. I turned my face away, but knew I wouldn't be able to hide it, so I said I was going outside to do something.
I walked outside and started a full-out cry. Ted was out there (he went outside when Mom brought the baby out and the doorway was getting crowded). We started hugging as I cried.
The neighbour eventually left and Dad came out with Ben and put him in his carseat. We drove over to the school and walked in. They had rooms designated for students who were there in a certain decade. After looking around the school, we went into the 1980s room and an old classmate, Heather, saw me and called my name. We talked for a minute, and she pointed out 2 other classmates who were there, Nadia and Rob. Nadia was holding a 5 year old girls hand and Heather had a boy and a girl with her, about 7 and 4. She asked if Ben was my little one and I said he was my nephew but didn't say anything about Jacob, although I wanted too. We said we would see each other later and she left. Then I felt terrible. I should have been holding Jacob or pushing him in a stroller.
Ted and I had to leave to take the car in for its drive-clean test, so we left Ben with Dad and went to do that. I felt so depressed after.
We got home a few hours later and Laurie called. We had a good talk and I told her why I left earlier, because I was crying. I said that I hate that I'm so sensitive and that I don't want her to censor herself around me. She emailed a picture of the baby to everyone earlier and said that she wondered if she should have sent it to me. Although it did hurt to see it, I don't want to be left out either. I still care about the baby, of course, but every little look he gives is another reminder of who I don't have. She is still going to send me emails, but will title them so I know what's in there.
I told her I love the baby and I'm so glad he's OK, but I never know what is going to set me off. She said she cried because she didn't get the first week with Ben at home, so she can't even begin to imagine what it is like for me.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
May 5, 2010
Just a random picture of me when I was pregnant. We had the condo already to go on the market and Ted was taking pictures of each room.
Many happy and sad moments were spent on the couch that is in the corner of the picture. For weeks I had been getting up every morning and lying on the couch and feeling my belly. I loved lying on my back and seeing the contours of my uterus. The left side was always higher than the right side.
After he died, I spent hours lying on the couch sobbing, and hours on the computer in the picture reading blogs, writing in my own and on the BCC Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss support board.
 |
| You can almost see my belly here. |
 |
| Wearing the same shirt I would be wearing just over a month later at the butterfly release. |
Many happy and sad moments were spent on the couch that is in the corner of the picture. For weeks I had been getting up every morning and lying on the couch and feeling my belly. I loved lying on my back and seeing the contours of my uterus. The left side was always higher than the right side.
After he died, I spent hours lying on the couch sobbing, and hours on the computer in the picture reading blogs, writing in my own and on the BCC Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss support board.
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