It is getting harder

The days leading up to Jacob's birthday are getting harder. The tears are coming more easily as time goes by. We went for a walk tonight and I had a flashback to lying in the hospital bed on the evening on May 31st and I felt like I was there again. The 31st is this Tuesday. Last year it was on a Monday and I feel like this Monday and Tuesday will be really hard, since those are the days of the week that I found out that Jacob was gone and the day he was born. Tuesday and Wednesday will also be hard, since those are the actual dates. 

We went out and ran some errands today. We went to Home Depot and I was feeling bloated so I started pushing my belly out to see how it would look, how it felt. I kept staring down at it, trying to do it when Ted couldn't see me so it wouldn't make him sad. Then we went to Costco, which was full of pregnant women and babies. I looked at each baby and tried to guess their age, as I always do. If I think they are around 7.5 months old, I stare at them and imagine Jacob that size. We bought some flowers for the front garden. As we walked through the garden center, I remembered doing that last year, in the days after Jacob was born. Ted would keep asking my opinion back then and I tried to care, but I just didn't. It is so different to now be in stores and actually care about things. We spent too much money and I said how it all adds up so quickly as we were loading the car. Ted says we always spend too much when we are miserable. 

We got home and started to plant some flowers in front of the house. The living room windows were open and I was sitting on the front steps. I heard something from inside the house and my first thought was "The baby is awake". How long does your baby have to be dead before you stop having moments like this? I never even had him cry in this house, so why was that my first thought?

I needed the watering can for something, which I haven't used since we moved out of the condo. As soon as I looked at it, I had a flashback. We were trying to sell the condo when I was pregnant and after Jacob died. We had some flowers on the balcony and every morning, Ted asked me to water them (I needed the reminder....I didn't even eat in the early days unless he put food in front of me). I was glad to have a job to do, since that was the only thing I was doing around the house. It was all I was capable of. I remembered filling up the can, going to the balcony and watering each one in my haze of sadness, disbelief and aching. I was proud of myself for accomplishing something. Seeing the watering can today brought all that back. I'm not only scared for the upcoming anniversary days, but I feel like I will still be haunted in the days afterwards with the same pain that I felt last year. 

Ted woke up on Friday morning and said that he had a dream that we had just had a baby and said that I was so happy and I wouldn't stop holding the baby. I got up before him this morning. When I get up, I fold Jacob's blanket and tuck it under my pillow. When Ted woke up, he said that he put his hand under my pillow because he wanted to touch the blanket. 

I've cried three times today. One of them could have become a really big cry, but we were out so I suppressed it. Tonight I just cried. I had been looking at pictures of me taken on May 24, 2010. I was so happy. He might have still been alive then. 

Yesterday I got an email from Dorthy, one of the women I met at the support group I've been to twice. The email was about a bill that is going for a second reading at the legislature on June 2nd. It is to make October 15 officially Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day in Ontario. It was forwarded to her, so I was looking at the trail of people it went through to get to her and I recognized a name. A woman named Sara Alexander said something about doing it in honour of her daughter Hannah. The box I was given in the hospital when Jacob was born had a sticker saying it was donated in memory of Hannah Alexander. So I emailed Sara and said I got a box at that hospital and asked was it from her and she wrote back quickly and said that it was and she cried when she got my email and would like to talk about the boxes some more (I said that I am donating one) and said that if I want to connect, she would love that and I could call her anytime. Her home address is in her signature so I looked it up and she lives about a 10 minute drive from me. I have her phone number and will call her in the next day or so.

I called Laurie today to see if I could have Ben for the day next Friday since I'm off work next week. She asked what I want to do for Jacob's birthday (we have talked about it before). I said our backyard isn't ready for a nice garden for him yet (next year) and that I didn't want to do a BBQ afterall because it is too much of a happy thing. I told her we are going to the garden to blow some bubbles and she wants to come. She said just to let her know what I want to do and she will be there. I think Ted and I will go to the garden before others arrive and just have some time alone there. But I would love it if she comes. It might be hard to see her baby, but to know that she is thinking of and missing Jacob overrides everything else.  

I took of my wedding and engagement rings when we were gardening. I went to put them back on before we went for a walk and another thing from Jacob's pregnancy came back to me, as they are more and more these days. I remembered that my rings were starting to get a little tight and, at the time, I was wondering how much longer I would be able to wear them. 

A few weeks ago, there was a marathon in Oakville. Ted's friend Daniel, and his girlfriend Stephanie, were in it and they came over after. Daniel told Ted awhile ago that when Stephanie heard that Jacob died, she sobbed. I was so touched at the time. I saw her once before he died and I don't even remember if we were introduced or not. Daniel said that his aunt lost a baby during pregnancy so he saw how hard it was for her and told Ted that he feels badly for us. While they were here a few weeks ago, Ted was getting the pictures of our honeymoon ready for them to see on the Mac. He accidentally opened the folder with Jacob's pictures. I don't know if Daniel and Steph saw them or not as Ted was standing in front of the computer, but it is possible they did. On Thursday, Daniel told Ted that when they left our house that day, Steph started crying in the car...more than crying, he said, sobbing. He asked what was wrong and she said that she is just so sad for us. We had acted very normal while they were here. We didn't mention Jacob at all. I was so touched that she feels for us so much. As far as we know, she has never been pregnant or lost a baby during pregnancy, so that makes it even more incredible. Ted also told him that it is getting harder for him lately, that he can now really understand what it was like for me in the early days when he was staying strong for me. I'm glad that he is talking to Daniel about it a little. 

Yesterday at work, Sheila came over to say goodbye and said that she hoped that this next week wouldn't be too hard. We talked about it for a few minutes and I guess I looked sad because she said that she was sorry that she mentioned it. I assured her that it didn't bother me at all, I liked it. So we talked some more and it was nice. 

May 26, 2010

I am feeling the pressure of the few days I had left with him last year. Like someone is sitting on my chest.

A year ago today, Ted and I went to see The Wizard of Oz. Our friends (Phil, for Filomena) daughter Paola was Dorothy. It was her acting and signing debut and I was excited for her. We got there and Phil had saved us seats. I was wearing my black maternity pants and my royal blue T-shirt. It was a warm day and the theatre didn't have air conditioning. I was always warm because of being pregnant too, but I wasn't very uncomfortable in the theatre.

At intermission, they were selling water. I didn't want any, but Phil bought some and gave it to me, saying that I need to drink alot.

I watched Paola sing and wondered if the baby could hear. It was coming up to the time when they are supposed to be able to. I know I felt at least one or 2 kicks during the show. I don't know if he was alive or not at that point. May 26, 2010 was also the day that my anatomy scan was originally scheduled, but it had been moved up because of the results of the IPS.

We went to Phil's house after the play and she had an enormous spread of fruits and cookies, as always. Most of the time, Ted and I were sitting together. I stood up and talked to a few people a little bit too. I ate a ton of watermelon, since I craved that throughout the pregnancy. I also drank juice. The women sitting around started asking me how far along I was and talked about the glucose test and what it was like for them. I love being in the "Mom" group.

I think we only stayed until 10pm or so, since I was always really tired at night.

This year, I am going to a Face2Face meeting tonight. I'm grateful for it, but a year ago today, I never, ever thought that I would be where I am today.  I saw an ad in the paper today for Doors Open Toronto. I have gone for the past 5 years, but can't this year. It was what we did the last weekend before we found out. Now even seeing the words in the paper hurt.

Missing

Ted has been talking about Jacob alot more. He always has, but had just been doing it more lately. Last weekend was a holiday so we had Monday (yesterday) off. We were outside gardening (ie pulling weeds) on Monday morning and Ted said that he now understands what I was going through last summer and I could see the pain on his face. He said that he wakes up thinking about Jacob and goes to sleep thinking about him.

Families were walking by pushing strollers and Ted said that if Jacob was here, our interactions would have been so different. Jacob would have been in his stroller, watching us or sleeping while we worked. We would have talked to those families more....asked how old their baby was, what is the baby's name....... Instead we watched them and hoped it would be us one day.

People in the neighbourhood were setting off fireworks last night. I was upstairs on the phone for most of them. When I got off, I came downstairs and Ted said that he went outside to look at them but couldn't stay, because all he could think about was being out there and holding Jacob and watching Jacob watch the fireworks.

I went to Laurie's house briefly yesterday. My Dad and I were going to take Ben somewhere, but when we got there, he had a friend over so we just stayed at her house. Ben fell just as we were walking in the door and hit his head. Laurie rushed over the door, put the baby in my arms, and went to Ben and held him while he cried. It was a good way to get me to hold Daniel again, since it just happened. I had just been wondering when I would and then there was no choice. I held him for about 5 minutes and didn't feel like I was going to fall apart, which is a huge improvement.

Ben and his friend Maddie wanted to play doctor and I was the patient. Maddie said that I was at the doctor's because I was having a baby. She got a doll and I "had" the baby and the baby was sick. Maddy kept saying that the baby might die and that it would make me sad. I just said I know it would and we would make the baby better. She asked what the baby's name is and I almost said Jacob, but then I said Leah. This game went on forever. I kept wondering what I would say if Maddy asked me if I had any kids. I would have said I have a baby and left it at that. If she asked where he was, would I have said he is in Heaven? Should I tell an 8 year old neighbour about a dead baby? She never asked so I never had to decide.

At one point, Laurie was changing Daniel's diaper in the bedroom and asked if I wanted to help. I just said no thanks. It would have sent me in a downward spiral. Maybe she thought I wouldn't mind since I didn't cry when holding him. I don't know.

After being there for 30 minutes, I'd had enough. Maybe it was seeing Laurie hold him.. I stared at them, imagining what it would have been like to hold a living Jacob. So that was it for me. I got my shoes on, she asked if I was OK. I said I was and escaped. If she watched me leave out of the living room window, I'm sure she would have seen that I wasn't OK at all. I think her neighbour may have heard a sob escape but I was OK by the time I reached the end of her street.

On May 24, 2010, Ted and I went down to the lake in Toronto and spend some time in the Music Gardens where our wedding pictures were taken. My belly was popping out more everyday and I loved it. I loved that I couldn't see my feet, I loved the way my shirts fell, I loved how it felt when my arms touched the sides of my belly. I was so happy.

A few of the wedding pictures were taken in front of a pick pole. Ted said to stand in front of the pole and he took several pictures and we said that we would come back every month as my belly grew and take more in front of the same pole.

September 19, 2010

May 24, 2010 - 19.5 weeks

Happy

May 23, 2010

I wrote a journal entry on this date, about the ultrasound on the 17th, getting referred to Mount Sinai and talking to Dr. A.

I also wrote this:

The baby wasn't giving me alot of kicks for a few days, just one or two, but I can feel a slight shifting movement sometimes and then the area I felt the shifting is hard. I felt alot more kicks yesterday, which I just love. I haven't felt any on the outside yet and I'm looking forward to that day. Ted has felt the shifting when resting his hand on my belly.

My favorite times of the day are when the baby kicks and in the morning and at night when I am lying in bed and can really feel the outline of my uterus and just imagine my little baby in there. My baby! I love him already. The picture that we got after the ultrasound on Monday is so cute. He has big lips (Ted's), an adorable nose and a long neck. Everyone at work was saying what a good picture it is. Mom showed it to Dad and said "doesn't it just make you love him!" and Dad said that it sure does and seeing the picture makes him feel closer to the baby.

The next time I wrote in my journal was June 3rd, 2 days after he was born.

I'm always trying to figure out when he died. The ultrasound I had on May 31st said that it looked like he had been gone for about a week. I still felt kicking up until the day I found out he was gone, but I felt the shifting movement more often.

When I was induced, the first thing that happened was that the shifting movement and my belly getting hard on one side got more and more frequent and then it got painful. Was he gone a few days before May 23rd and that's why I felt that then? But then why did I feel alot more kicking on May 22nd (and for a few days after... I felt kicks until the day I found out he died)? Had he slowly been getting weaker and weaker, then he had a little fight left in him on the 22nd and then he died?

Love this song

I've listened to this song over and over and over again in the past few weeks.

I love these lyrics:

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life


Carrie saw 2 rainbows yesterday, side by side. What a wonderful gift from Caleb and Lucas. It is amazing timing as she and I enter the last week before the first birthday of our boys.

May 22, 2010

We drove to Pickering and stopped by Ted's sister's house for awhile. When we got there, she was in the garden planting some flowers. We stood around and talked for awhile, then we went inside with her husband, Jason, while she finished outside.

I was careful about touching the door handles because of toxoplasmosis. I didn't know if she had gone in and out and if she touched them after having her hands in the dirt.

That's about all that I remember of that visit.

May 21, 2010

It was the beginning of the Victoria Day weekend and we got off work early....probably around 2:30pm. It was a nice day, warm but not too warm. We had an offer on the condo and had to pick up the Estoppel Certificate from the management office for the buyer to review. We took the subway to Yorkdale and then walked on Orfus Road to get there. We missed the side street that the office is on and ended up walking about 30 minutes out of our way. I was tired and walking slower that I usually do. We found a bench and sat down for while. Ted was worried about me, but I figured the exercise was good for me, so I kept going.

We finally figured out where we went wrong, found the office and got the certificate. We went back to work and faxed it to our agent.

I loved walking around with my belly. I couldn't cross my arms in front of me the same way anymore because my belly was in the way and I loved it. I still remember what it felt like when my arms were by my sides, touching my belly. I miss it.