April and May 2010

For at least the last half of May, my belly was big enough that I was finding it uncomfortable to sleep. I started putting a pillow under my belly and it made a huge difference. I was also alot warmer than I had ever been. I usually sleep in long pants and long sleeves, but when I was pregnant I was so warm that I wore shorts and a t-shirt. When not pregnant, my hands are usually cold and Ted's are hot. He will often grab my hand to cool his down. But when I was pregnant, my hands were hot and he couldn't hold them because his would be uncomfortably hot. We joked about it alot because it was so strange for me to be that warm.

For all of May, and probably most of April, I would get up 15 minutes earlier than I had to. I would go to the living room, lie down on the couch, turn on Colin and Justin's Home Heist and feel my belly. I'd stare at it, amazed that it was me, that I had a baby growing in there, that I was going to be a Mom. I felt so lucky and I cherished that time. I was so happy.

Colin and Justin have a very distinctive decorating style, usually including wallpaper with big designs. Now, whenever I see wallpaper like that or a piece of furniture that reminds me of the show, I'm taken back. I haven't watched the show since he died. I turned to it by accident once and had to turn the channel right away. It was too painful.

I also feel asleep on the couch for most of May 2010 (and sometimes in April) around 9pm and I loved doing that. I would be in a deep sleep until about 11pm when Ted would get me to go to bed. There was just something I loved about it. I did it a few times after he died, but of course, that was just from the exhaustion of crying most of the day.

May 19, 2010 and 2011

I've been doing alot of living in the past since January, remembering what was happening last year on certain dates. There are only 13 days left until May 31st, the day that we found out that Jacob died last year. I'm feeling more anxious....I can't imagine it being a year since he was even alive. And that day is coming even sooner, I just don't know what day it is and that makes me crazy. How does a mother not know the day her baby died inside of her?

Everywhere I look are pregnant woman. I guess they're just more noticeable now because they don't have winter coats on anymore. Today I felt stalked by them. I try to tell myself that I have no idea what they went through to be where they are now. They could have battled infertility, they could have had a loss....who knows. None of those thoughts ever stop me from feeling jealous of them, from feeling the familiar pain that trails around behind me everyday until it catches up and stops me in my tracks.

A year ago today, I found out that my appointment at Mount Sinai was on June 7th. It seemed so far away.

My OB came back from vacation that day. I went into a small private room on my floor so that I could talk to her without my colleagues hearing me. I tried calling all morning, but the line was always busy.

I got through eventually, gave my name and was transferred to her right away and I started giving her details of the situation. She was really nice and apologized for leaving the information about the IPS test on my voicemail and explained how she had to catch a plane so she had to do it. She said that she hadn't seen the ultrasound report yet and I think she said that she spoke to Dr. M but said that I probably know more than she does at that point. I told her everything that I was told and said that I know that a clenched fist can be a sign of Trisomy 18 and that isn't compatible with life. She said that she has never seen a foot and hand problem unilaterally when there was a chromosomal abnormality, she has only seen it bilaterally. She also said something about being able to to see all the digits and that she has never seen a neural tube defect come out in the limbs.

She said that whatever the problem is, it can likely be fixed at Sick Kids and that she would support me through whatever comes.

I told her that I wanted an amnio afterall, but that my appointment at Mount Sinai wasn't until June 7th and I would be almost 22 weeks then. She said to call them and see if they would do the amnio before the appointment. If not, then she would refer me to Credit Valley Hospital, although she does like having everything done at the same place.

I felt better after talking to her, but just wanted to amnio to help with the anxiety. I figured if the worst happened and we found out that he did have a chromosomal abnormality, at least we would know ahead of time. If he didn't, we could relax.

I called Mount Sinai and they said that they would only do the amnio after I come in for the appointment and have the high level ultrasound.

I spent the next few days worrying about whether I should go to Credit Valley, if I should get the amnio at all....I decided to wait.

I went back to that room today and stood in front of the window, as I did when I was on the phone with her last year. I feel a heaviness just thinking about it. A year ago today I was standing in that spot with Jacob alive in my belly. Today I stood there, almost a year after delivering my dead child. Everything looked the same, but I have changed.

A year ago today, I also emailed Lindsay pictures of my belly, which she had asked for.

She wrote back and asked how I could have gotten so much bigger than the last time. 

Welcome Genevieve, and the journey of the baby loss Mom's

My amazing, wonderful friend Allison, who has given me so much support and a wonderful friendship, gave birth to her rainbow baby Genevieve on Monday night. I am so thrilled for her, Josh and their families. Genevieve is such a beautiful little girl and I know she will grow up surrounded by love and with her big brother watching over her.

When I joined the babycenter community support group in June 2010, I got to know a group of woman. As Allison was in labour, I realized that she is the first of that group to give birth to her rainbow baby. I’m sure she never guessed that she would be the first in the early days after losing Drew and over the summer of 2010.

Several of the women I met then are now pregnant. Some, like me, have lost a baby since losing their first. Many are due in the coming weeks and then another batch are due in September/October. I am very, very happy for them, but I am also sad for me. I feel left behind. As much as I want to know what is happening in their lives, I find it hard to read their blog posts about their pregnancies, especially when they are in weeks 19-21, since that is when Jacob died and was born. I breathe a sigh of relief when they pass 21 weeks. But my heart skips a beat when I read about the baby dancing in their belly and I long for it even more. I still read the blogs most of the time, unless I’m having a particularly bad day. Most of it is wanting to know how they are and some of it is just to torture myself.

I find it surreal to think of where we all were at this time last year. Many of them had already given birth to the baby(ies) they lost and some of us were still pregnant for another month or so before joining the group no one wants to be a part of. Now, one has given birth, 11 are pregnant, three of us have had at least one more loss (I’ve had two…and one of the pregnant Mom’s had a second loss last September), and 6 have not become pregnant again yet.

Where we have been, what we have been through and where we are now. It has been a long, hard journey. There was no telling who would become pregnant again and carry to term and deliver a healthy baby, who would get pregnant again but lose their baby or deal with severe complications again and who would still be trying to get pregnant, many months after their loss.

None of us have an easy road and we all struggle in different ways. The pregnant women worry, the non-pregnant women worry. The non-pregnant will worry longer....worry longer about getting pregnant and then have all the worry of a pregnancy after loss, if we are lucky. There is no getting away from it. We all miss our lost babies with an ache that can’t be described. That is one thing that will never change.

May 17, 2010 - The last time seeing him alive

May 17, 2010 was a beautiful day. It was warm and sunny and I was happy. I was going to see my baby boy again and I couldn't wait.

Today is rainy and grey and I'm sad.


One year ago today, we saw Jacob alive for the last time. I was 18 weeks, 5 days.

I had my second anatomy scan. The first had been done on May 13th as a result of the bleeding. The 20 week scan was supposed to be done on May 26th, but when the IPS screen came back with a 1:280 chance of a neural tube defect, my OB moved it up by a week. If she hadn't, we wouldn't have seen Jacob alive again. We wouldn't have the amazing profile picture that we do.

I was a little nervous leading up to the appointment because I was scared that they might find something really wrong, given the scan last week, but mostly I just couldn't wait to see him again.

The appointment was at 12:50 pm and we were seen pretty quickly. It was done at the prenatal clinic at the hospital where Jacob was born, in the same room I would be in 2 weeks later to confirm that he was gone.

Their policy is that they do all the measurements and then the Dad can come in and see the baby. The ultrasound tech, Angie, was nice. She also seemed to be to go-to person for others in the department as someone came in 2 or 3 times with questions.

She started the ultrasound and measured my cervix then let me go to the bathroom. I had to get up twice more during the scan because my bladder was filling up again.  She said that my baby was moving around so much that she was having trouble getting all of the pictures she needed. She asked which one of us was hyper, me or my husband (me). I was so proud. I could see the screen the whole time, so I just lay there and enjoyed watching him.

Dr. A had arranged for Dr. M to come in during the ultrasound since I had the elevated AFP in the IPS test. He came in about 10-15 minutes after the ultrasound began and Angie showed him the baby's spine. He said that it looks great and I was so relieved. They said that the placenta was across the top and back and they saw a small pool of blood there, but they weren't concerned about it. I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. He had to leave to go into surgery, so Angie finished the rest of the scan. Ted was called in.  He tried to take a video of the ultrasound, but Angie said that it wasn't allowed. He got a short one though, which I treasure.

I wish that he had gotten more time to watch him, but Angie said she had to move on to the next patient as they were getting behind and she wanted me to come back when Dr. M was free again to let him see some more images of the baby.

We sat in the waiting room and went into the courtyard for a few minutes. Then we went to stand in the hall near the ultrasound room. There was another patient in there. Dr. M stepped out and said that it would just be a minute. I had to go to the bathroom again, so I did and when I stepped out, Dr. M was waiting for me and I felt a little bad but he didn't seem annoyed.

I lay back down and they started scanning again. They said that there seems to be something wrong with his left foot, which I was expecting. Then they said that they thought there might be a problem with his left hand and I felt horrible. I worried about my poor baby....what was wrong with his hand, how much would it impact his life? They kept trying to get a good look and had me change position, but Jacob put his hand under his head and they couldn't see it at all. I lay on my left side and that is when she got his profile picture, which I look at every day. It is the only thing we have to really know the shape of his face before he died. We saw right away that he had his Dad's lips, and my long neck and cheekbones.

They said that his hand was clenched when they could see it and he never unclenched it. I asked if everything else looked ok - brain, spine, organs and they said yes, so that was a relief. I asked if his hand and foot could be a sign of a chromosomal abnormality and he said that there were no other indications that he had that, but I should go to the High Risk Clinic at Mount Sinai. I asked him to make the referral since Dr. A was on vacation for another 2 days and I wanted to get in as soon as possible. Angie told him that I had already waited a week for that ultrasound since getting the IPS test results. I liked her for that, she recognized the worry and anxiety we had already been living with.

Dr. M asked me twice if I had had an amnio (I didn't), which worried me. He asked if we had any questions and I asked if he has club feet and Dr. M said 'not exactly' since it was only affecting one foot. He called his office from the room and left a message to make the referral.

Right before Ted and I left the room, we asked Angie if the baby was a boy or girl. She asked if we were sure we wanted to know and I said yes. She said she thought the baby is a boy and I was glad that she said the same thing as the ultrasound tech last week.

We walked down the hall, turned the corner and walked towards the entrance. I barely held it together until we got outside and started crying as soon as we did. Ted kept hugging me and telling me that it was OK and that we could deal with whatever the problem was. I just couldn't stop crying and said how unfair it was that our innocent little baby has to have a problem and likely has to have surgery when he is born.

We got to the car and I called Mom and Dad and told them. I kept crying while on the phone, but said that the news wasn't that bad. Laurie called a few minutes later to see how it went and I cried some more and she was also reassuring.

We got home and I answered Jessie's email, telling her what happened and she replied with reassurances and said that it doesn't matter, that she already loves him.

It was a long night. 

Here are some of the pictures from May 17, 2010. I got them on June 7th when I went to the film library at the hospital and asked for all of them.

I'm not sure what is in this picture, but I like the heart shape on the right. 

His perfect spine

A perfect heartbeat

Perfect right leg and foot. 

His left hand.

His body....and a full bladder? 

The profile picture that I look at everyday. Daddy's lips,
Mommy's cheekbones and long neck. 

They remember

When I was at Laurie’s house yesterday, I watched my other sisters holding Danny and wondered if they were thinking about Jacob as they did it, especially because I was in the room. I saw the way they gazed at Danny, the way they smiled when he moved around or grabbed their finger. I remember holding Ben when he was Danny’s age and doing the same thing. I imagined them holding Jacob as he should have been and them holding Jacob was he was. I feel pretty sure that they did think about him.The birthday card Lindsay gave me mentioned Jacob and how she mourns for him and for me.

The day Danny was born (May 3rd) and I was at the hospital, I was relieved that Danny was alive and healthy and so incredibly sad for Jacob, and for Ted and I. I didn’t push a baby out and see tears of joy and laughter. Just tears of sorrow and a very quiet room. We never got to see Jacob being passed around and everyone smiling. I never got wheeled out of L & D towards the maternity floor with a baby in my arms. I never left L & D with a baby in my arms. I didn't get to do any of the normal things that Laurie was doing, I never got to see Jacob as big as Danny and I felt/feel so cheated.

That day was really hard. I got home and wrote a long blog post about it. Jessie read it and sent me this email:

I was just reading your post and I want you to know that you can call anytime day or night if you need to talk to someone. I know I've never been pregnant or had a baby, but I could listen if you need it. I was so worried about you when you said at your house that Ted was away. I knew you would be crying. By the time I got home I figured you were probably going to bed and I was afraid I would call and wake you after you were so tired. I thought you were probably waiting to be alone to have a good cry, and that you would be talking to Ted, but you don't need to ever worry about not knowing who to call.

Also, I kept thinking all day yesterday about Jacob - how we never got to all hold him and pass him around and take pictures of him opening his eyes and wriggling around. I thought about if he probably would have looked a little like his cousin, and not just because a lot of newborns look alike. Every time I held the new baby and I remembered holding Jacob in your room, and how I could hold him with one hand, although I always used two because I was afraid of not being careful. I remembered sitting in the lobby when you were leaving your room, and how many times we walked through that door to go down to Tim Horton's. Every time I walked past your delivery room or the room beside it where we went when Lindsay was there, I always had to look in (or try to) to remember being there before. As soon as Lindsay and I drove into the parking lot I felt a rush of sadness, and concern about you having to come into the same hospital and hold Laurie's baby. I thought it was good to have Ben around as a distraction because it made it easier for you to leave the room without Laurie noticing and you worrying about getting upset in front of her.

Then she left a comment on my blog:

I was so worried about you before you got to the hospital with Ben. I had ducked out to the waiting room to try and call Dave and saw some pregnant women in the lobby and was imagining intercepting you at the door so that you wouldn't have to walk through them in the same hospital. When you walked into the room I got very nervous for you but I thought you handled it very well. We knew you were upset, of course, but that you were also happy for Laurie. When you held the new baby for so long I knew that you were imagining holding Jacob like that. Every time I held him I thought about how we never got to see Jacob that big and how we all kept saying the new baby is so small, but I kept remembering how Jacob had been so much smaller, and how I never got to hold him when he was first born and wriggling around trying to look around and find something to suck on. I wondered if he would have looked like his cousins, if he would have had that same scrunchy face and big eyes... I think so.I was really worried about you when you dropped us at the GO train, that you would be alone all night. I wanted to call when I got home, but I knew you were exhausted and were likely sleeping and I really didn't want to wake you up, but I'm glad you found someone to talk to.

How did I get so lucky? I really like that she was have flashbacks too. She is so caring and intuitive. And she remembers. She will never forget. I am so grateful.

Birthday with the family

Today my family got together to celebrate my birthday. My Dad had suggested doing something extra nice and thought of the zoo, the museum, Toronto Island or Niagara Falls. I thought it was really nice that he was trying to think of something different and extra nice for my birthday, but all of those places would be a little baby/kid/pregnant women heavy. I explained this to him and he said that he totally understood and we decided to go to Lindsay's house for a BBQ. Because Laurie had a baby on May 3rd, she asked if we could just do it at her house as it would be alot easier for her and I agreed.

I was worried about being at her house for so long. I haven't seen the baby, Danny, for more than 10 minutes since I left the hospital the day he was born. the day he was born. And I usually left her house crying when I did see him. It wasn't always him that made me cry....it could be hearing about her hospital stay, seeing her breastfeed....things I didn't get to do with Jacob. But I don't want my grief to run my life, even though it does, so I agreed to going to her house. I was worried and a little stressed and even sad about it all day Saturday, but felt calmer on Sunday morning.

I went over about an hour early because I needed to use her computer for something. There was a cute sign on the door, which made me smile.

I played with Ben for a few minutes, started a load of laundry, and then went into their spare room to use the computer. Laurie had been nursing Danny and laid him down. While she was in the bathroom, I heard him starting to cry in her room so I went in. I hadn't planned on holding him, but I didn't want to just stand there watching him cry, so I picked him up and had about 2 minutes alone with him. He felt so cute in my arms. His face was near mine and we studied each other and I started to cry. I imagined what Jacob would have looked like, what he would have felt like, what he would have smelled like. I will never know.

I have never kissed Danny, so I did. His sweet little baby cheeks. He starting getting fussier. Laurie walked in the room, I handed him to her and left. I had to get away. I went into the spare room, closed the door and cried. Jacob's absence was especially present. Laurie stuck her head in a few minutes later and asked if I was OK. She may have assumed that I shut the door because I needed to concentrate. I don't know if she knows the truth.

I finished my work and went to the living room. Laurie was outside with Ben and Danny and Andy was at the store. No one else had arrived yet. I sat in the living room and looked at the baby items around me.

Soon everyone started arriving. My Mom came in, washed her hands, and took Danny from Laurie. She couldn't wait to hold him. I imagined her holding the Jacob that should have been. Over the afternoon, all of my sisters held him and I watched the way they looked at him. I know they feel Jacob's absence, I know they would have looked at him the same way. I know they would have cuddled him on the couch, with his hand curled around their finger. I tried to look away whenever they looked towards me. I didn't want them to feel self-conscious or anything. They should be able to enjoy their time with Danny. I would have, once upon a time.

Jessie gave me a gift a few days ago and wrote about Jacob in the card. I posted about that here. Lindsay and Laurie gave me gifts today. Laurie didn't mention Jacob in her card, and that is alright. She did say "this year will be great", so a hopefully, encouraging message. That always helps.  She also said I'm a fabulous sister, aunt and friend. That made me feel a little better about not doing as much as I could have to help her in the past several months.

Lindsay did mention him. Her card said:

This year was so different from what we were all expecting, and it would probably be in vain to wish you a Happy Birthday. However, I do hope you are feeling more at peace as time passes. I know how difficult things have been since we lost Jacob, and I mourn for him as well as for you, as I know we can't even start to understand what you've been going through. But even in such a difficult time, you've always been such a kind, loving sister and I am so grateful to have you in my life. 


Tears came to my eyes as I read it.  I love that she wrote "since we lost Jacob" and that she mourns for Jacob and for me. We were in the kitchen later and I said how much I love the card, how much I love it when Jacob is mentioned. She said that Brian said not to mention Jacob in the card and Lindsay told him he was wrong. I'm so glad she did.

As we were watching Ben run around, making us all laugh, Ted leaned over and said "Just imagine what it will be like when Jacob is here!" I knew right away he meant when our next baby is here, but I said "jacob?" and he realized what he said. Seeing Danny for so long was bothering Ted too. He misses our boy. He left about an hour before I did, as his back is bothering him again.

I was going to get a ride home with my parents, so I was sort of at their mercy as to when we left. I didn't want to suggest leaving because everyone had gone out of their way to do something special for my birthday. But the last hour was hard. Different people were holding Danny, Laurie breastfed and seeing that really started to get to me. I have no idea what that feels like. I still have milk, but no baby to give it too. I saw her gazing at Danny and talking to him and burping him and I started to feel like I was drowning. So I got up and went to the bathroom, alternately hoping that no one would know why I was there and that someone would know. I only stayed for a few minutes, wishing that I would walk out and someone would say that we should go. I dried up my tears and came out.

My Dad came to me within a minute and asked if we should head out. I was so relieved. Jessie then came up and asked if I was hiding in the bathroom and I said I was and I figured if anyone noticed, it would be her. She tried to say something more, but we got interrupted.

We left within a few minutes. I wonder when I will have the strength to stay there longer. When will I have the strength to just enjoy Danny, instead of thinking of everything that I've missed, that I am missing, with Jacob, August and Cub?

Ted and I should either have had Jacob or August there today. There should have been 2 babies being passed around.

I got home and Ted said that when he got home, he went through the pictures of Jacob. He said that he was especially sad. He doesn't look at Jacob's pictures often because it is too hard, but he needed to today. He said that the expression on my face in the pictures was heartbreaking and painful to see.

I started to look at them soon after, but had to stop. I've never had to stop before, but tonight I just can't do it.

It's a boy

One year ago today, I found out that my baby was a boy.

One year ago today, I saw him moving around.

As a result of my visit to the ER the night before, I had an ultrasound on May 13/10. I didn't know when it would be, since I was being fit in. I got a call at 7:20am saying to come in at 10am. I called my boss and told him I had to have an ultrasound, but I may be in later if everything was OK.

I remember so many events from that day, even little ones. I remember driving around side streets trying to find a place to park near the hospital, but ended up just parking in the visitor's parking.

I sat in the waiting room for the ultrasound playing the game Chocolatier on my ipod touch. I realized that I had an eye appointment that day, so I called Ted and asked him to call that clinic and tell them I wouldn't make it.

I remember the woman and the approx. 3-4 month old baby boy sitting beside me. She had him wrapped in a blanket, but alot of his skin was still showing and the room was cold, so I thought he might be. She told someone else that he was having trouble keeping food down.

I was called in just before 11am for the ultrasound. I was bursting and it had been getting more painful as I waited, especially since it was supposed to start at 10am.

The ultrasound tech was nice. She could see that my bladder was really full, so she took the pictures of my cervix and let me go to the bathroom. My watch started beeping at one point (it was in my purse) and she asked what that was. I somehow set the alarm on my watch months before that and hadn't figured out how to turn it off. A few months later, I gave it to Lindsay who fixed it up.

The ultrasound tech didn't let me see the screen while she was doing her measurements, so I stared at the ceiling most of the time. I asked if she could see if the baby was a boy or a girl. She asked if I was sure that I wanted to know and I said definitely. She said it looks like a boy. I was a little surprised, but was happy. I didn't really care. I had at least 1-2 dreams about a baby girl and most people thought I was having a girl, so I just started thinking that I was. Within a second of finding out he was a boy, I started day dreaming about my little boy. I imagined telling Ted that he was having a son, I imaged how Ben and our baby would grow up so close to each other, I imagined all of the things we would do with him.

I noticed that she stayed on the right side of my belly for a long time and I wondered if she found something wrong. I've had lots of ultrasounds in my life, and that is what they do when there's a problem.

She finished at 11:45am. She turned the screen so that I could see it for the last 2 minutes and she pointed out his body parts. He was so active. She left the room, saying that she was just going to make sure that she had everything she needed. She ended up being gone at least 10 minutes and it made me worry a little. Jacob's picture was still on the screen and I spent that 10 minutes staring at him. Still amazed that he was mine. That he was inside me. My son.

I was told to go back to the ER to get the results. I grabbed a granola bar from the cafeteria on my way there. I went to the triage area and did the usual things....bp, pulse (78, compared to 131 the night before), temp and explained why I was there.    My bp was 109/72 and they asked if that was normal for me (it is). I was called to the registration desk, but instead of getting a folder and being told which zone to go to, the person said to have a seat and I would be called.

I spent the time playing Chocolatier on my ipod touch and text messaging Ted, Laurie and my friend Jen. I talked to Mom and I talked to Ted at one point and asked if he wanted to know what the baby was. He said he did and I told him it's a boy. It was such a happy moment.

I watched a mother and her 2 sons...about 7 and 11. The 7 year old was in a wheelchair and the 11 year old was pushing him around. They got some fries and coke from the cafeteria.

I waited for 2 hours and 15 minutes, and being told in triage that I should be seen quickly since it was just for results. I kept getting worried that they hadn't called me back yet because there was some really bad news and they were putting off telling me. I didn't want to sound like a complainer, so I went to the triage nurse, told her why I was there and asked if I could run and grab something to eat or if I would be seen soon. It was just an excuse to make them notice me. She was surprised that I hadn't already been seen, looked me up on the computer, which said I should be in the red zone. So she took me there and spoke to another nurse, but my file wasn't there. One of them went to the green zone and came back saying that they were looking for me there.

So I went there, was brought to a bed and a doctor came in within a few minutes. The doctor said that all the major things looked fine, but there seems to be some kind of issue with his limbs. He said it could be "as simple as club feet or as complex as a few missing toes". He said they couldn't tell exactly what because it was a little early. He asked if I had the integrated prenatal screening. I said that I had and it came back with an increased risk of a neural tube defect. He said that the results of the ultrasound showed something along those lines. He recommended that I be referred to a high risk OB and that he could do it, but since my OB was back from vacation the next Wednesday, to call her, get her to call the hospital to have the ultrasound report faxed to her, and have her make the referral. I said that I had another ultrasound scheduled for the next week and he said that that was good and that they should be able to see alot more by than. The ultrasound didn't show any reason for the bleeding. He didn't mention any problem with Jacob's hands, but when I look at the pictures, I can see that all his fingers weren't visible.

I was relieved that there was nothing major wrong, but was worried about what my baby would have to go through...and that it might be worse than they could see.  I pulled back the curtain and started to leave. I could see a guy sitting on the next bed with his 12 year old son and knew that he probably heard everything. He was staring at me as I walked by and out of the room.

I got outside and called Ted and told him everything. I cried a little, but we were both still hopeful that it wasn't anything worse. Club feet, he would have surgery. We would hate to see him go through it, but he would be fine in the long run. A few missing toes...so he would learn to walk without them. He would never know what it was like to have them anyway. I called Mom and told her everything.

I got to the car, drove to a side street and sat there for awhile. I called Laurie and she said that it doesn't matter what his feet look like, we will love them.

I didn't go to work that day as I got home too late in the afternoon to make it worthwhile.

Jacob was so active during the ultrasound and the ultrasound tech commented on it. In the short time that I got to watch him, he flipped from his back to his side, he opened and shut his mouth, he moved his arms and legs all around. At one point, his legs were curled up against his belly and he straightened them out completely. He would push his head back too, as if he was stretching his neck.

After he died, I called the film library, told them I had an ultrasound there on May 13th, that my baby died and that I wanted more pictures of the ultrasound. They said they would burn me a CD of the pictures. Jacob was born on a Tuesday and I picked up the CD on the Thursday. We stood in the waiting room hugging while we waited. I remember standing there on June 3, 2010, feeling completely empty. We got home and tried it, but it didn't work in any of our computers. I was so disappointed. I called the hospital the next day and they burned another one for me. Eventually we did get both CDs working. Here are some of the pictures:

A perfect spine

Heart rate 147

A perfect right foot

One of my favourites

View from the top

Today kinda sucked. I felt a heaviness when I woke up, knowing that I saw him alive a year ago today, knowing that it was when I found out that he was a boy.

The day wasn't too bad though, until this afternoon. I got back from lunch and just as the elevator doors were shutting, I saw Sarah walking to the elevator, so I pressed the button to open the doors for her. As soon as she stepped in, I realized that she is about 5 months pregnant. I never knew her well. She started around the time that I found out that Jacob died. I don't remember if it was a week before that, or the week I came back to work. I don't know if she knows that I was ever pregnant. We worked on the same floor, in different departments, until November or so, when her department moved to a different floor. I haven't seen her in months.

When she stepped on the elevator, I felt the paralysis overcome me. She got off at the 4th floor and I went on to the 5th. I just sat at my desk staring straight ahead and thought of how unfair it is. I don't want anything bad to happen to her baby, of course, but she already has 2 kids. I can't seem to even have 1 child that lives. All summer, I overheard her talking about her kids, when Jacob's loss was so fresh. 

I called Ted and told him about her and I started crying a little. He said things to try to make me feel better and I quickly got the tears under control.  About 30 minutes later, Sarah came to my desk with a box of timbits and asked if I want one. I took one and tried not to stare at her belly. I haven't seen her in months and then twice in one afternoon. An hour after that, I was on the second floor to get Brenda and Sarah comes through the door to drop something off on someone's desk. Will the next few months before she goes on leave be like this? 

Just the other day, I was thinking how nice it was that no one at work was pregnant. Now I have to avoid her. 

Tonight I was walking around the house with my belly showing a little and I got a little self-conscious when I saw Ted looking at it because I never tried to get rid of the remaining bump as I always figured I would be pregnant again soon. Ted said that he likes looking at it because his baby was there. It was so sweet. 

He also said that when I called to tell him about Sarah, he could hear how sad I was and his heart broke for me. I am so lucky to have him. 

We went out and bought a used X-box tonight. It is my birthday present. Now I can play Guitar Hero and Rock Band again. The hours pass quickly when I'm playing those games. I haven't played them since before I was pregnant. So no associations with Jacob there, except that I should be too busy to be playing them.