I have been longing to feel Jacob’s presence. I have read other Mom’s blogs and they talk about how they feel their baby close and I have been longing for the same thing. Once in a while I would feel a different feeling in my chest. I can’t really describe it, but it was different and would last for only a few seconds. I wondered if that was the feeling that I should somehow know was Jacob telling me he is near me.
I went to my Mom’s house last night and on the way there and back, I talked to Jacob about this. Especially on the way back. I apologized to him in case he has been with me and I haven’t sensed it. What kind of mother does that? I cried a little and told him how much I miss him, how much I love him…the things I usually say to him. I asked him if he could send me a sign so that I would know that he is with us.
I got home and talked to Ted for a few minutes. I haven’t talked to him about my latest struggle to feel Jacob near. As we were talking, Ted started rubbing his tattoo of Jacob’s name and said that all the letters were raised, as were the little feet. I came over and felt it and sure enough they were raised enough that I could trace the writing with my fingers with my eyes closed. I told Ted about longing to feel Jacob near, holding back the tears as I did. Ted said his tattoo does that sometimes, for no reason he can think of. He isn’t cold or anything like that. I think it is from our boy.
I went upstairs and got in the shower and cried so hard I could barely breathe. I felt like my heart was breaking all over again. My wound is wide open. I just miss my boy so much. But I am so thankful he sent me the sign I have been looking for.
I felt bad for crying. This happened to make me happy, and I was so sad. But happy too. But sad that I need signs to feel him near, instead of just picking him up and cuddling him.
Our sad ticker
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Trying to be brave
Last night I went to Laurie’s house to help wash Mom’s hair. I told myself just to suck it up and not let the size of Laurie’s belly bother me. I don’t want the difficulty I have seeing it start to affect our relationship. So I kept telling myself to be brave and to be strong. I got there and she was wearing a top that didn’t hide anything, but I was OK with that. I even talked to her about her anatomy scan today, without saying anything about all of the fears I have for her, particularly right now. She is 19.5 weeks. We think that Jacob died at 19.5 weeks. I haven’t asked her about movement because I just can’t. I know that she must be feeling the baby move by now, but I’m not anywhere close to being strong enough to hear about it.
We talked about the ultrasound. She is going alone, 1.5 hours north of Toronto because that is where she had her anatomy scan with Ben and they will give you a video there. I’m scared that she will be alone if she gets bad news. She has a friend in Barrie who works nearby and I’m sure her friend will go there if the baby is gone. But it would take the rest of us at least 2 hours to get there (I’d have to go to Oakville, get the car and then drive up…or maybe I’d just rent a car in Toronto and go…that would save a lot of time). She talked about her fears and I said that everything is probably fine, that 97% are totally fine and there is such a slim chance of her finding out something really bad (we never actually said it, but I meant that there is a slim chance of her finding out the baby is dead).
She told me that she told one of her coworkers last week that I lost another baby and her coworker was nice and said nice things. She saw this person again on Monday and she told Laurie that she has a really good feeling for me, like things will work out and I will have a baby. When Laurie was talking about going to Barrie for the ultrasound, I said that maybe I would go there too if I’m am ever lucky enough to need another anatomy scan. She said “not if, when”.
We washed Mom’s hair and normally I would have left right after because I am scared of seeing her belly too much. But I kept telling myself to be brave, so we sat on the couch for awhile talking. Then Ben climbed up beside her and pulled her top up and I saw her bare belly and I couldn’t hold it together anymore. The beautiful bump. I miss it so much.
I sat on the couch for about a minute as the tears came to my eyes and then calmly got up and went to the bathroom where I cried and cried. I kept trying to make myself stop because I didn’t want them to see me with my eyes all red. I don’t want her to be self-conscious around me. I stayed there for a few minutes and finally collected myself enough. I knew my eyes were still red, so I stood in the kitchen with the light out (the kitchen has 2 entrances, one of which goes into the living room where Mom and Laurie were sitting). Laurie suddenly asked where I was and then walked quickly to the bathroom calling my name. I called out and said that I’m in the kitchen. She walked in, took one look at me and asked if I was crying. I just nodded and started all over again. She came up behind me and hugged me, but I could feel her belly against my back, which just made me cry more.
Then she said the magic thing.
She said that she thinks about Jacob all the time, that just because they don’t say anything, doesn’t mean that they don’t think about him. I started crying harder because that means so much to me. She said that she just doesn’t talk about him out loud because she is scared to since she is pregnant. I totally understand that and told her that I did. I said a few times that it means so much to me to know that she still thinks about him. I wanted to turn around and hug her face to face, but I couldn’t stand having her baby belly pressing against my baby-less belly. Mom started asking what triggered me, but I didn’t want to say. She asked if it was talking about the ultrasound and I said no. She asked if it was something else and I said no. She got the hint then that I didn’t want to say and stopped asking. After Laurie and I stood there for a few minutes, she told me something funny and the spell was broken.
I played with Ben a little bit, running around the house holding him while Laurie chased us and then found us when we hid. It was hard to keep crying with a laughing 2 year old in my arms who had kissed my face several times earlier that night. When Andy got home from his run, I said that someone is at the door and Ben immediately shouted out “Ted” and ran to look. It was so cute. Mom told me that every time someone came in last Sunday, he would ask if it was me.
I told Laurie to call me after her ultrasound tomorrow and she seemed surprised and happy. I do want to know, I want to know a happy ending. I love her and I love this baby and I don’t want anything bad to happen to them. But I am supposed to have a baby that is 6 months older than this one. Then I was supposed to have one that is 2 months younger. I can’t help but be sad. I should have been having my 12 week ultrasound this week or next week.
I got home and had a shower. Allison called and it was so nice to talk to her. When we got off the phone, I sat on the couch and told Ted what happened at Laurie's and that Allison said that she and her family always think about Jacob too. I started crying and he got up and we stood in the living room hugging for awhile. Then he told me that he always thinks about Jacob too. Sometimes he feels really lonely and imagines the little boy that should be watching the basketball game with him and following him around asking him questions, thinking that his Dad knows everything and is the greatest guy in the world. It broke my heart.
A bit later I said that I didn’t know that he thinks about Jacob so much and he said that he isn't as vocal as I am and that he has to be strong for me. I told him that he can talk about him anytime, that it won't make me feel worse, etc. But I know that he doesn't really want to talk about it all the time.
While I focus on his loss and my whole life revolves around losing Jacob, he thinks about him and then moves onto something else and always comes back to think about him some more. It doesn’t define him the way it defines me. He can compartmentalize losing Jacob. I can’t.
This morning I was talking to my Mom. She said “Laurie couldn’t feel the baby move so she lay down on the couch and”. I cut her off and told her that I really can’t talk about this. My eyes filled with tears and I couldn’t say anything for a minute or two and I have been crying ever since. I know she felt the baby move or Mom would have been more worried. Now all I can think about is how much I miss feeling Jacob move, how much I loved those moments and all of the movement I missed out on because he left too soon. How I miss those little kicks and nudges.
How I miss my baby.
We talked about the ultrasound. She is going alone, 1.5 hours north of Toronto because that is where she had her anatomy scan with Ben and they will give you a video there. I’m scared that she will be alone if she gets bad news. She has a friend in Barrie who works nearby and I’m sure her friend will go there if the baby is gone. But it would take the rest of us at least 2 hours to get there (I’d have to go to Oakville, get the car and then drive up…or maybe I’d just rent a car in Toronto and go…that would save a lot of time). She talked about her fears and I said that everything is probably fine, that 97% are totally fine and there is such a slim chance of her finding out something really bad (we never actually said it, but I meant that there is a slim chance of her finding out the baby is dead).
She told me that she told one of her coworkers last week that I lost another baby and her coworker was nice and said nice things. She saw this person again on Monday and she told Laurie that she has a really good feeling for me, like things will work out and I will have a baby. When Laurie was talking about going to Barrie for the ultrasound, I said that maybe I would go there too if I’m am ever lucky enough to need another anatomy scan. She said “not if, when”.
We washed Mom’s hair and normally I would have left right after because I am scared of seeing her belly too much. But I kept telling myself to be brave, so we sat on the couch for awhile talking. Then Ben climbed up beside her and pulled her top up and I saw her bare belly and I couldn’t hold it together anymore. The beautiful bump. I miss it so much.
I sat on the couch for about a minute as the tears came to my eyes and then calmly got up and went to the bathroom where I cried and cried. I kept trying to make myself stop because I didn’t want them to see me with my eyes all red. I don’t want her to be self-conscious around me. I stayed there for a few minutes and finally collected myself enough. I knew my eyes were still red, so I stood in the kitchen with the light out (the kitchen has 2 entrances, one of which goes into the living room where Mom and Laurie were sitting). Laurie suddenly asked where I was and then walked quickly to the bathroom calling my name. I called out and said that I’m in the kitchen. She walked in, took one look at me and asked if I was crying. I just nodded and started all over again. She came up behind me and hugged me, but I could feel her belly against my back, which just made me cry more.
Then she said the magic thing.
She said that she thinks about Jacob all the time, that just because they don’t say anything, doesn’t mean that they don’t think about him. I started crying harder because that means so much to me. She said that she just doesn’t talk about him out loud because she is scared to since she is pregnant. I totally understand that and told her that I did. I said a few times that it means so much to me to know that she still thinks about him. I wanted to turn around and hug her face to face, but I couldn’t stand having her baby belly pressing against my baby-less belly. Mom started asking what triggered me, but I didn’t want to say. She asked if it was talking about the ultrasound and I said no. She asked if it was something else and I said no. She got the hint then that I didn’t want to say and stopped asking. After Laurie and I stood there for a few minutes, she told me something funny and the spell was broken.
I played with Ben a little bit, running around the house holding him while Laurie chased us and then found us when we hid. It was hard to keep crying with a laughing 2 year old in my arms who had kissed my face several times earlier that night. When Andy got home from his run, I said that someone is at the door and Ben immediately shouted out “Ted” and ran to look. It was so cute. Mom told me that every time someone came in last Sunday, he would ask if it was me.
I told Laurie to call me after her ultrasound tomorrow and she seemed surprised and happy. I do want to know, I want to know a happy ending. I love her and I love this baby and I don’t want anything bad to happen to them. But I am supposed to have a baby that is 6 months older than this one. Then I was supposed to have one that is 2 months younger. I can’t help but be sad. I should have been having my 12 week ultrasound this week or next week.
I got home and had a shower. Allison called and it was so nice to talk to her. When we got off the phone, I sat on the couch and told Ted what happened at Laurie's and that Allison said that she and her family always think about Jacob too. I started crying and he got up and we stood in the living room hugging for awhile. Then he told me that he always thinks about Jacob too. Sometimes he feels really lonely and imagines the little boy that should be watching the basketball game with him and following him around asking him questions, thinking that his Dad knows everything and is the greatest guy in the world. It broke my heart.
A bit later I said that I didn’t know that he thinks about Jacob so much and he said that he isn't as vocal as I am and that he has to be strong for me. I told him that he can talk about him anytime, that it won't make me feel worse, etc. But I know that he doesn't really want to talk about it all the time.
While I focus on his loss and my whole life revolves around losing Jacob, he thinks about him and then moves onto something else and always comes back to think about him some more. It doesn’t define him the way it defines me. He can compartmentalize losing Jacob. I can’t.
This morning I was talking to my Mom. She said “Laurie couldn’t feel the baby move so she lay down on the couch and”. I cut her off and told her that I really can’t talk about this. My eyes filled with tears and I couldn’t say anything for a minute or two and I have been crying ever since. I know she felt the baby move or Mom would have been more worried. Now all I can think about is how much I miss feeling Jacob move, how much I loved those moments and all of the movement I missed out on because he left too soon. How I miss those little kicks and nudges.
How I miss my baby.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Today was a hard day
Today was a really tough one. I'm not entirely sure why, aside from the obvious, but I don't know why today. It seems like so long since we lost Cub, but it was still pretty recent. Tomorrow will be a month since my first ultrasound, when we got the first inkling that something was wrong. It has only been 1.5 weeks since I miscarried. I guess it makes sense that I was so sad today. It is a Tuesday too, but I didn't even think about that until tonight. Tuesdays used to hold such power over me.
I really miss being pregnant. My belly was starting to change shape with Cub, my pants were fitting differently. I really noticed it on the train on the way home tonight. I would have been 12 weeks on Thursday. Imagine that. I remember being 12 weeks with Jacob. I had my first ultrasound at 13 weeks and stared in amazement at the baby on the screen. My baby, my dream come true. I wanted that so desperately with Cub too.
I didn't wake up particularly sad this morning. I did have a dream with other pregnant women in it and I was sitting there, not pregnant but hoping I would be someday.
I got to work and the sadness swept over my body and took over my soul. I was always on the verge of tears, except for when I was actually crying. It was one of those things where I'd be sitting at my desk, having trouble getting anything done, and suddenly I'd be crying. I cried more than I didn't. My eyes would fill with tears instantly, my chest would heave and a few times I thought I might throw up from the pain.
Twice someone came up behind me and I had to turn around and talk to them, hoping that my eyes didn't look wet, that they couldn't tell that I had just made myself stop when they came over.
As always, I looked at Jacob's ultrasound picture. I just stared and stared and told him how beautiful he is and burst into tears again.
My sister came by to drop a key off. Then she did something that I will always remember. She pulled a Christmas ornament out of the bag she was carrying and gave it to me. Here it is:
I almost starting crying as soon as I saw it. I hugged Jessie and told her how much it means to me that she thought of Jacob. I kept wondering if anyone would and she really made my day by getting me this. She said she had been asking Mom if we were definitely putting up a tree. I've been having a lot of trouble doing that, but now that I have this ornament, I feel more like doing it.
When she left, I went to Ted's desk and showed him. He was really touched. We opened the box and noticed that it came with some stickers. There is the typical "My 1st Christmas" and "My 2nd Christmas" stickers. Then I saw one that says "Our Little Angel". Perfect.
Then I went to my friend Julie's desk and showed her. She hugged the box to her chest, which I thought was so sweet.
Once we got home tonight, I took the ornament out of the box and put the "Our Little Angel" sticker on the back of the star.
I also came home to a nice message from Carrie, who called after seeing my post on my other blog. Thank you Carrie, your call means alot to me.
I also went on the babycenter website today and had a message from another angel Mom. She sent it to a few of us and said that we have helped her, whether we know it or not, and she wants to do something for us. She is going to make us a beautiful dragonfly, maybe even one for each baby, and write each baby's name on it. We can hang it on the Christmas tree and/or hang it in a window. I'll do both.
I also had a wonderfully long email from my best friend.
I don't know how I would get through these times without my friends.
I'm not as bad tonight. In fact, I haven't cried at all tonight. Today I just couldn't wait to get home, collapse on the floor and sob. Maybe it is still to come.
I wish I could have put the "My 1st Christmas" sticker on that ornament.
I really miss being pregnant. My belly was starting to change shape with Cub, my pants were fitting differently. I really noticed it on the train on the way home tonight. I would have been 12 weeks on Thursday. Imagine that. I remember being 12 weeks with Jacob. I had my first ultrasound at 13 weeks and stared in amazement at the baby on the screen. My baby, my dream come true. I wanted that so desperately with Cub too.
I didn't wake up particularly sad this morning. I did have a dream with other pregnant women in it and I was sitting there, not pregnant but hoping I would be someday.
I got to work and the sadness swept over my body and took over my soul. I was always on the verge of tears, except for when I was actually crying. It was one of those things where I'd be sitting at my desk, having trouble getting anything done, and suddenly I'd be crying. I cried more than I didn't. My eyes would fill with tears instantly, my chest would heave and a few times I thought I might throw up from the pain.
Twice someone came up behind me and I had to turn around and talk to them, hoping that my eyes didn't look wet, that they couldn't tell that I had just made myself stop when they came over.
As always, I looked at Jacob's ultrasound picture. I just stared and stared and told him how beautiful he is and burst into tears again.
My sister came by to drop a key off. Then she did something that I will always remember. She pulled a Christmas ornament out of the bag she was carrying and gave it to me. Here it is:
I almost starting crying as soon as I saw it. I hugged Jessie and told her how much it means to me that she thought of Jacob. I kept wondering if anyone would and she really made my day by getting me this. She said she had been asking Mom if we were definitely putting up a tree. I've been having a lot of trouble doing that, but now that I have this ornament, I feel more like doing it.
When she left, I went to Ted's desk and showed him. He was really touched. We opened the box and noticed that it came with some stickers. There is the typical "My 1st Christmas" and "My 2nd Christmas" stickers. Then I saw one that says "Our Little Angel". Perfect.
Then I went to my friend Julie's desk and showed her. She hugged the box to her chest, which I thought was so sweet.
Once we got home tonight, I took the ornament out of the box and put the "Our Little Angel" sticker on the back of the star.
I also came home to a nice message from Carrie, who called after seeing my post on my other blog. Thank you Carrie, your call means alot to me.
I also went on the babycenter website today and had a message from another angel Mom. She sent it to a few of us and said that we have helped her, whether we know it or not, and she wants to do something for us. She is going to make us a beautiful dragonfly, maybe even one for each baby, and write each baby's name on it. We can hang it on the Christmas tree and/or hang it in a window. I'll do both.
I also had a wonderfully long email from my best friend.
I don't know how I would get through these times without my friends.
I'm not as bad tonight. In fact, I haven't cried at all tonight. Today I just couldn't wait to get home, collapse on the floor and sob. Maybe it is still to come.
I wish I could have put the "My 1st Christmas" sticker on that ornament.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Your Dad's birthday
Dear Jacob,
Yesterday was your Dad's birthday. We thought you would be here, in our arms, for his birthday and for Christmas. Last December was our second month of trying to conceive and I was convinced, as we sat around the tree last Christmas morning, that I would be holding a baby in my arms by this Christmas, or at least be almost ready to give birth.
Your Dad hadn't said anything about how he felt about you not being there on his birthday. But then, as we were driving away from the house, he asked if we should drive by the garden. He was thinking of you. I know he thinks about you alot more than he talks about you.
I tried to be strong for your Dad yesterday and not let him see that I was sad or cry in front of him. I have been doing so much of that lately and I wanted him to have one day of not worrying about me. I got up yesterday morning and put a stew in the crockpot and then made him bacon and eggs for breakfast. And I felt so sad. You should have been in a little seat in the kitchen while I worked. I looked out the kitchen window and saw 3 birds fly by. Could they have been sent from you, August and Cub? I read into things, but when I see something like that, I like to think it is a sign.
When I went grocery shopping Saturday night to get the ingredients for the stew, I stared at the shopping basket and imagined you in your car seat in the basket as I pushed it around. I don't know why I torture myself with these thoughts, but they just come to me and I don't do anything to stop thinking about them. I just want to wallow in the pain sometimes. Most of the time. All of the time.
I talked to Allison on Saturday and was almost inspired enough to put up the Christmas tree, if only because the cats like it. I haven't done it yet though. I just can't seem to do it, all because you aren't here. I feel anxious just thinking about it. I probably would have been more inspired to do it if Cub was still here, if we had seen a nice strong heartbeat on November 8th instead of a dark, empty space.
We went to a mall yesterday, which was scary for me. I am scared to see pregnant women and I'm scared to see newborn baby boys (both of which I saw). We were walking in a department store and I saw one of those rugs that has roads and buildings on it, for little boys and girls to run their toy cars around on. I always thought they were neat and said to your Dad that we have to get one of those when we have a baby. I realized what I was saying as I said it. Your Dad got really happy and put his arm around me. Turns out that is the first time I have spoken about the future that actually included a living child. I always used to talk like that before you died, but of course losing you changed everything.
Missing you and loving you more than you can ever imagine. I wish I could have bought that rug for you.
Love,
Mom
Yesterday was your Dad's birthday. We thought you would be here, in our arms, for his birthday and for Christmas. Last December was our second month of trying to conceive and I was convinced, as we sat around the tree last Christmas morning, that I would be holding a baby in my arms by this Christmas, or at least be almost ready to give birth.
Your Dad hadn't said anything about how he felt about you not being there on his birthday. But then, as we were driving away from the house, he asked if we should drive by the garden. He was thinking of you. I know he thinks about you alot more than he talks about you.
I tried to be strong for your Dad yesterday and not let him see that I was sad or cry in front of him. I have been doing so much of that lately and I wanted him to have one day of not worrying about me. I got up yesterday morning and put a stew in the crockpot and then made him bacon and eggs for breakfast. And I felt so sad. You should have been in a little seat in the kitchen while I worked. I looked out the kitchen window and saw 3 birds fly by. Could they have been sent from you, August and Cub? I read into things, but when I see something like that, I like to think it is a sign.
When I went grocery shopping Saturday night to get the ingredients for the stew, I stared at the shopping basket and imagined you in your car seat in the basket as I pushed it around. I don't know why I torture myself with these thoughts, but they just come to me and I don't do anything to stop thinking about them. I just want to wallow in the pain sometimes. Most of the time. All of the time.
I talked to Allison on Saturday and was almost inspired enough to put up the Christmas tree, if only because the cats like it. I haven't done it yet though. I just can't seem to do it, all because you aren't here. I feel anxious just thinking about it. I probably would have been more inspired to do it if Cub was still here, if we had seen a nice strong heartbeat on November 8th instead of a dark, empty space.
We went to a mall yesterday, which was scary for me. I am scared to see pregnant women and I'm scared to see newborn baby boys (both of which I saw). We were walking in a department store and I saw one of those rugs that has roads and buildings on it, for little boys and girls to run their toy cars around on. I always thought they were neat and said to your Dad that we have to get one of those when we have a baby. I realized what I was saying as I said it. Your Dad got really happy and put his arm around me. Turns out that is the first time I have spoken about the future that actually included a living child. I always used to talk like that before you died, but of course losing you changed everything.
Missing you and loving you more than you can ever imagine. I wish I could have bought that rug for you.
Love,
Mom
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Seeing the strength of others further along in the grief journey
“Deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope.”
~Elizabeth Gilbert~
I found this quote on Jennifer's blog, whose writing always inspires me. This quote sums up so well how much hope other BLM's who are a few weeks, months or years ahead of me in their grief have helped me to see that life does carry on and that I won't always feel as terrible as I have since losing Jacob and as I do right now.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
6 months
Dear Jacob,
Today is 6 months since you were born and I held you in my arms. I don't understand how it is even possible. This anniversary is harder than the last 2. Six months seems so permanent somehow. In only 6 months from now, it will be a whole year since I held you. I don't even want to think about it. I hate that everyday is a day further away from you.
6 months...26 weeks....180 days...4,382 hours (I took that from Carrie's blog, who is also facing a 6 month anniversary today).
That is 180 mornings of waking up and facing the emptiness that you have left. That is 180 nights of going to bed and wishing that you were still here, looking at the ultrasound picture on my bedside table, saying goodnight to a picture instead of to the baby sleeping peacefully in my arms. 180 mornings and nights of you being my first thought when I wake up and my last thought when I go to sleep. 4,382 hours of thinking about you. But I've been thinking about you since the minute I found out I was pregnant. Those were happy, hopeful, excited thoughts. Now they are all about losing you and worrying about you....are you happy, were you in pain when you died, did you die as I was walking around and you were being rocked in my belly or was I sleeping? I have a million questions that will never be answered.
I've had alot of trouble facing this anniversary Jacob. You should be a month and a half old. I think of what I should be doing with you all the time. I think of your chubby little arms and legs that should be waving around, of how your Dad and I would be watching you all the time for your first smile, your first laugh....all the of the firsts that we will never get to see.
Yesterday I was in a grocery store at lunch and started crying. It wasn't a sobbing cry, but it would have been if I hadn't been in public. I stood in the bakery section and I couldn't move. I forced myself too, but every step took so much effort and I didn't know where to go and what to do with myself. I needed to get something to eat, but I couldn't decide what. It was a decision that was just too hard. I wandered to a different section and stood there, staring at the shelves but not seeing anything. Seeing the people moving around me, but they were just blurs. I felt paralyzed with grief. I've felt that way before, but it hadn't been this bad in awhile.
Today was a busy one, but I thought of you constantly. I cried when I first got to work. I had a few nice little surprises though. First was all the nice emails I got, the nice wall posts on facebook and knowing that others cared, others who know what I am going through.
Now this doesn't seem like much, but I have been stressed out about Christmas shopping. I didn't know what to get people and I hate being in public because I see too many pregnant women and babies. I was looking through a paper and saw a special at The Bay for 2 good quality frying pans for 70% off. I went there and got one for each of my sisters, my parents, Ted's Mom and sister and your Dad and I. It seems trivial to write about shopping here, but getting those pans lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.
Then some people who were supposed to stay for lunch at work, and for whom a catered lunch had been ordered, didn't stay. The person who ordered the lunch came to my department and told us all that we could go and eat it. Six of us, all women, went down and had a good lunch and a nice talk. I daydreamed through most of it, but it was nice to not have to go out, encounter any triggers and have to make any decisions.
I really wanted to spent the night doing things for you, but your Grandma was moving to Aunty Laurie's tonight, so I went there to help. I lit a candle for you before leaving the house, but it extinguished within seconds...just as you died way, way too soon. I cried the whole time I was driving to your Grandma's and even screamed a few times. I've done lots of silent screams since you died, but I haven't screamed out loud, unless it was in a pillow. Then I drove by your garden on the way. At first I just drove by and said that I love you. I drove about 5 minutes away and knew I needed to spend more time there, so I turned around, parked and stayed there awhile. I had a nice talk with you...crying the whole time of course. Just telling you I love you, asking if you have forgiven me, telling you how sorry I am and above all, how much I love you and miss you.
Then I got to your Grandma's house, visited with Bill and Annemarie who had brought over dinner, and started the move. I dropped off Bill and Annemarie on the way to Laurie's. Since they live near the hospital, I decided to torture myself and drive by the maternity ward. I was going to turn in, but I saw that there was already a car in the pick up area and the guy was getting some stuff out of the trunk. I just couldn't take the risk of seeing anyone come out with a baby, so I drove by.
None of your aunts or your Grandma said anything to be about this being your 6 month anniversary. Your Grandma might not know what the date is since she hasn't been going out because of her broken ankle, and maybe your aunts just don't know what to say. Or maybe none of them realize the significance of today. Will they think about you at Christmas? Just know that I will be thinking about you constantly that day. But I do that everyday anyway. It will kill me if no one says anything about you though.
I miss you so much. I feel like my eyes looked particularly sad today. When Mel got to work, she immediately asked if I was OK, so I guess I looked as bad as I felt. I'm glad of that.
I don't know how to end this. I could write forever about what you mean to me, about how much you have changed my life, of how proud I am of you, of how happy I am to be your Mom. I just wish that you were in my arms. You will always, always be in my heart.
I love you so, so much.
Mom
Today is 6 months since you were born and I held you in my arms. I don't understand how it is even possible. This anniversary is harder than the last 2. Six months seems so permanent somehow. In only 6 months from now, it will be a whole year since I held you. I don't even want to think about it. I hate that everyday is a day further away from you.
6 months...26 weeks....180 days...4,382 hours (I took that from Carrie's blog, who is also facing a 6 month anniversary today).
That is 180 mornings of waking up and facing the emptiness that you have left. That is 180 nights of going to bed and wishing that you were still here, looking at the ultrasound picture on my bedside table, saying goodnight to a picture instead of to the baby sleeping peacefully in my arms. 180 mornings and nights of you being my first thought when I wake up and my last thought when I go to sleep. 4,382 hours of thinking about you. But I've been thinking about you since the minute I found out I was pregnant. Those were happy, hopeful, excited thoughts. Now they are all about losing you and worrying about you....are you happy, were you in pain when you died, did you die as I was walking around and you were being rocked in my belly or was I sleeping? I have a million questions that will never be answered.
I've had alot of trouble facing this anniversary Jacob. You should be a month and a half old. I think of what I should be doing with you all the time. I think of your chubby little arms and legs that should be waving around, of how your Dad and I would be watching you all the time for your first smile, your first laugh....all the of the firsts that we will never get to see.
Yesterday I was in a grocery store at lunch and started crying. It wasn't a sobbing cry, but it would have been if I hadn't been in public. I stood in the bakery section and I couldn't move. I forced myself too, but every step took so much effort and I didn't know where to go and what to do with myself. I needed to get something to eat, but I couldn't decide what. It was a decision that was just too hard. I wandered to a different section and stood there, staring at the shelves but not seeing anything. Seeing the people moving around me, but they were just blurs. I felt paralyzed with grief. I've felt that way before, but it hadn't been this bad in awhile.
Today was a busy one, but I thought of you constantly. I cried when I first got to work. I had a few nice little surprises though. First was all the nice emails I got, the nice wall posts on facebook and knowing that others cared, others who know what I am going through.
Now this doesn't seem like much, but I have been stressed out about Christmas shopping. I didn't know what to get people and I hate being in public because I see too many pregnant women and babies. I was looking through a paper and saw a special at The Bay for 2 good quality frying pans for 70% off. I went there and got one for each of my sisters, my parents, Ted's Mom and sister and your Dad and I. It seems trivial to write about shopping here, but getting those pans lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.
Then some people who were supposed to stay for lunch at work, and for whom a catered lunch had been ordered, didn't stay. The person who ordered the lunch came to my department and told us all that we could go and eat it. Six of us, all women, went down and had a good lunch and a nice talk. I daydreamed through most of it, but it was nice to not have to go out, encounter any triggers and have to make any decisions.
I really wanted to spent the night doing things for you, but your Grandma was moving to Aunty Laurie's tonight, so I went there to help. I lit a candle for you before leaving the house, but it extinguished within seconds...just as you died way, way too soon. I cried the whole time I was driving to your Grandma's and even screamed a few times. I've done lots of silent screams since you died, but I haven't screamed out loud, unless it was in a pillow. Then I drove by your garden on the way. At first I just drove by and said that I love you. I drove about 5 minutes away and knew I needed to spend more time there, so I turned around, parked and stayed there awhile. I had a nice talk with you...crying the whole time of course. Just telling you I love you, asking if you have forgiven me, telling you how sorry I am and above all, how much I love you and miss you.
Then I got to your Grandma's house, visited with Bill and Annemarie who had brought over dinner, and started the move. I dropped off Bill and Annemarie on the way to Laurie's. Since they live near the hospital, I decided to torture myself and drive by the maternity ward. I was going to turn in, but I saw that there was already a car in the pick up area and the guy was getting some stuff out of the trunk. I just couldn't take the risk of seeing anyone come out with a baby, so I drove by.
None of your aunts or your Grandma said anything to be about this being your 6 month anniversary. Your Grandma might not know what the date is since she hasn't been going out because of her broken ankle, and maybe your aunts just don't know what to say. Or maybe none of them realize the significance of today. Will they think about you at Christmas? Just know that I will be thinking about you constantly that day. But I do that everyday anyway. It will kill me if no one says anything about you though.
I miss you so much. I feel like my eyes looked particularly sad today. When Mel got to work, she immediately asked if I was OK, so I guess I looked as bad as I felt. I'm glad of that.
I don't know how to end this. I could write forever about what you mean to me, about how much you have changed my life, of how proud I am of you, of how happy I am to be your Mom. I just wish that you were in my arms. You will always, always be in my heart.
I love you so, so much.
Mom
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