18 months since I held my baby, 18 months since I handed him to a nurse, never to hold him again.
It's hard to believe. It's hard to understand how I have survived this long. I definitely couldn't see this far into the future when Jacob was born and in the early days after. The future was just a huge void and it was a huge accomplishment if I ate without someone telling me to. I couldn't even fathom that I would ever feel as good as I do now. That's not to say that I feel great, but I feel a lot better than I ever thought I would. It kind of bothers me that I do. Sometimes I really miss the days of the heavy grief. I know it sounds crazy because the early grief is horrible, but I miss the big cries. I miss lying on the floor in the nursery and sobbing. I miss lying in bed and sobbing. I miss standing in the shower and sobbing. I miss driving and sobbing. I think I miss it so much because it made me feel closer to him. I still cry for him, he is still my first thought when I wake up and my last when I got to sleep and he is always on my mind. His ultrasound picture is still up at my desk and I still sleep with his blanket at night. We have pictures of his name around our house, I always wear the necklace I got for him touch it many times a day. His ultrasound picture is in a frame on our dresser with some statues we got because they make us think of him.
I just read the post that I wrote on December 1 last year, Jacob's 6 month anniversary. I remember the days I wrote about there well and I think about them from time to time. I was still in so much pain and turmoil.
Today hasn't been that painful, surprisingly. I'm kind of ashamed and upset that it hasn't been harder. I was so busy at work today that it made the day go fast. But that wouldn't have stopped me from breaking down in the past. I haven't even cried today. I felt like it once when I needed a break and read another Mom's blog who said that I have helped her. I had a little talk with Jacob then. That there will never be a good enough reason that he died, but that I have made something good come out of his death. So much good came out of his life that I don't even know where to start writing about that, but through his death other people have been helped. Still, I'd take him back in a split second if I could. But reading her blog today really helped my spirits today. Thank you Jennifer.
As we were driving home today, I told Ted that it's strange that I haven't felt terrible all day. He said that he has. Yesterday he was listening to music at work and the song Tears in Heaven came on. It's the song that Ted used when he made a video of pictures of Jacob's life with us. He felt really sad when he heard it, but listened to it twice more and felt terrible. He told me that he just can't believe he is gone. Right after he died, Ted felt terrible, but he thought that when we have another baby, it would help to fill the hole that Jacob has left. He has realized for a long time now that that just won't happen. No one will ever take Jacob's place. Jacob will always be missing. That we have a lifelong sentence of missing our baby every day, with everything we do.
About 2 weeks ago Ted and I were watching TV one night and suddenly it hit me that we were almost at 18 months and I felt like I had just been punched in the stomach. I started to cry, thinking of how close to 2 years we are. I'm dreading his next birthday already. Two years without him is scary and unimaginable, just as 12 months and 18 months was.
I just hate that he died. But I'm so glad he lived.
I love you baby boy. You made me the happiest I had ever been. That happiness belonged only to you and will always belong to only you.