Thursday, December 1, 2011

18 months

18 months since I held my baby, 18 months since I handed him to a nurse, never to hold him again.

It's hard to believe. It's hard to understand how I have survived this long. I definitely couldn't see this far into the future when Jacob was born and in the early days after. The future was just a huge void and it was a huge accomplishment if I ate without someone telling me to. I couldn't even fathom that I would ever feel as good as I do now. That's not to say that I feel great, but I feel a lot better than I ever thought I would. It kind of bothers me that I do. Sometimes I really miss the days of the heavy grief. I know it sounds crazy because the early grief is horrible, but I miss the big cries.  I miss lying on the floor in the nursery and sobbing. I miss lying in bed and sobbing. I miss standing in the shower and sobbing. I miss driving and sobbing. I think I miss it so much because it made me feel closer to him. I still cry for him, he is still my first thought when I wake up and my last when I got to sleep and he is always on my mind. His ultrasound picture is still up at my desk and I still sleep with his blanket at night. We have pictures of his name around our house, I always wear the necklace I got for him touch it many times a day. His ultrasound picture is in a frame on our dresser with some statues we got because they make us think of him.

I just read the post that I wrote on December 1 last year, Jacob's 6 month anniversary. I remember the days I wrote about there well and I think about them from time to time. I was still in so much pain and turmoil.

Today hasn't been that painful, surprisingly. I'm kind of ashamed and upset that it hasn't been harder. I was so busy at work today that it made the day go fast. But that wouldn't have stopped me from breaking down in the past.  I haven't even cried today. I felt like it once when I needed a break and read another Mom's blog who said that I have helped her. I had a little talk with Jacob then. That there will never be a good enough reason that he died, but that I have made something good come out of his death. So much good came out of his life that I don't even know where to start writing about that, but through his death other people have been helped. Still, I'd take him back in a split second if I could. But reading her blog today really helped my spirits today. Thank you Jennifer.

As we were driving home today, I told Ted that it's strange that I haven't felt terrible all day. He said that he has. Yesterday he was listening to music at work and the song Tears in Heaven came on. It's the song that Ted used when he made a video of pictures of Jacob's life with us. He felt really sad when he heard it, but listened to it twice more and felt terrible. He told me that he just can't believe he is gone. Right after he died, Ted felt terrible, but he thought that when we have another baby, it would help to fill the hole that Jacob has left. He has realized for a long time now that that just won't happen. No one will ever take Jacob's place. Jacob will always be missing. That we have a lifelong sentence of missing our baby every day, with everything we do.

About 2 weeks ago Ted and I were watching TV one night and suddenly it hit me that we were almost at 18 months and I felt like I had just been punched in the stomach. I started to cry, thinking of how close to 2 years we are. I'm dreading his next birthday already. Two years without him is scary and unimaginable, just as 12 months and 18 months was.

I just hate that he died. But I'm so glad he lived.

I love you baby boy.  You made me the happiest I had ever been. That happiness belonged only to you and will always belong to only you. 

10 comments:

The Wellman's said...

sending lots of hugs your way. I have my candle lit in Jacob's memory. Not a 1st of a month goes by without thinking of you all and praying for your angels and especially your first angel Jacob.

Glo said...

Hugs girl. We are coming up on two years....I kind of feel similar to you. That fresh grieving was difficult and now I manage most days ok. I think of him always but the tears are further between.

I've booked off his birthday because I don't want to have to fake happy on his day.....I want to feel what ever I need too...now I am worried that I won't feel enough.

fireworksandrainbows said...

It's so bizarre sometimes to look around and say "This is me, this is my life, this happened to us"

I miss my boy too, and it never ceases to amaze me that he changed me. He was barely here and yet I am different because of him.

I feel like a different, sometimes I feel like a horribly disfigured person, sometimes a woman with just a small scar...and the time that goes by? How do we keep on breathing in and out after all that has happened in our lives? I don't have any answers to that. I am here, on the same journey and I am listening, whether you laugh, cry or scream...

Thanks for the info about my sono next week that you left on my blog. I really appreciate it :)

xo

Julie said...

i totally understand missing those early days of fresh grief. as hard as it was and hopeless as it felt, it seemed like i was closer to kenny then. it, of course, hadn't been as long since i'd held him, but also, i was still supposed to be pregnant, and it just seemed somehow that he was physically closer to me. hard to put into words, but i get it. i thought of you yesterday. hugs to you, my friend.

Drew's Parents said...

The final sentences in your post brought tears to my eyes. Despite all the pain, our boys touched our lives in ways that we would never ever give up. I hope anniversaries continue to be gentler. I think that the process must take years. The weight of grief differs from person to person and from day to day. Sending you and Ted love and support. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Mama Jen said...

Dana, I just read this entry. I am so glad my blog was able to make you feel a bit better yesterday. I truly believe that Jacob brought you into my life. You are helping me and so many others, with what you do...this blog, the holiday exchange, the memory boxes for moms at the hospital...just being there and validating all the crazy emotions that come with this journey. thank you!

Mama Jen said...

I just want to add that because you said you read your 6th month entry, it made me curious to read it. I read that one and also the 4 month anniversary, as that is my next one coming up Dec 11. I sobbed reading both of them. Probably because I feel all of the raw emotions you wrote about right now. Unbelievable.

Violet1122 said...

((Big Hugs))

I know what you mean about missing the big cry days. Grief in the first few months is so awful, but it is the closest I ever felt to my babies and I miss that closeness sometimes.

Thinking of you and your babies, always...

car said...

Lots of love to you and Ted and Jacob. It's good that the everyday functioning an get easier while the love for our children remains strong. 18 months is forever and such a short time at the same time.

Rhiannon said...

Sending you love, Dana. When I read, "I feel a lot better than I ever thought I would. It kind of bothers me that I do.", it really hit home for me because I feel the same way. It is hard to accept the fact that despite all of the pain, our lives have gone on. I also agree about the early days and though it was horrible, I did feel closest to Harper then. Lots of love to you, sweet friend. <3