When I was pregnant with Jacob, there was a woman at work, Nicole, who was also pregnant. She was about 2-3 weeks ahead of me. After Jacob died, I avoided her. I never went to the area where she works, even though I used to work there and still have lots of friends there. I would only go if I knew she wasn't in that day. Everyday when I went out for lunch, I worried about seeing her as she works on the first floor and I had to walk by 2 doors that she could come out of from her work area. I did see her a few times in passing and it was hard...really hard.
She had her baby girl jsut over 3 weeks ago. I went out for lunch today and Ted found me in Indigo (a book store). He said that Nicole had just brought her baby in and he had been going to all of my usual places trying to find me so that I wouldn't walk back in the building and see them. I love him for doing that, it just makes me appreciate him even more. It would have been so hard to see that baby, who is only 2 weeks older than Jacob should be. I asked how Ted felt about seeing her and he said that it surprisingly didn't bother him. He didn't think about what we should have, he thought about what we hopefully will have in the future and how happy he is that we will (I wish I had his positive thinking and optimism).
We took our time going back to work and we went in the back door. I held my head down the whole time. I could feel all of the turmoil coming back up - how much I miss Jacob, saying sorry to him for all the things he won't get to do, thinking of how I should have been bringing him into work in November for everyone to see, wondering if this turmoil will always be a part of my life. I know it will. How can it not be when I will never hold my firstborn in my arms again?
About 30 minutes after I wrote the above, I had to go out for something. I figured I was pretty safe since Nicole would be on the 1st floor. As the doors opened on the 5th floor, I saw her standing in the elevator. There were other people getting on, so I didn't see her baby. We made eye contact and I just turned around immediately and walked away, the tears coming to my eyes before I could even take a step. She looked so happy. I stood there trying not to start sobbing.
I waited until I heard the elevator get to the first floor, then waited for another one to come. I glanced over the railing into the atrium and right at the moment, Nicole walked through the atrium, pushing her baby in the stroller. The horrible feeling came over me again. Of course, then the CEO came out of his office and started talking me to. I could barely stop from crying.
I got down to the 1st floor, met my 2 colleagues/friends and we ran our errand. I told them what happened and they asked if I was OK. Brenda said that she was there to give me moral support if I need it. I said that I did. We got back to work, going in the back way this time, and they went ahead of me to make sure that the coast was clear, which it was. Back at my desk, I grabbed Jacob's ultrasound picture, my little mirror (so that I could make sure I looked decent before going back to my desk) and some kleenex. I went to my crying room and had a good cry.
Once I got back to my desk, Ted called and said not to come down to the atrium for a function that is starting at 3:30 until he calls me. I told him what had happened and I started crying at my desk. He could tell right away that I was, even though I was trying to hold it back so those nearby me wouldn't hear. He came up, we went to my crying room and hugged for awhile. He kept saying that it isn't that bad, that that baby is older than Jacob, that we will have another baby etc. But you know what. It is that bad. I still don't have my baby boy. I never will.