Friday, October 22, 2010

The other work baby

When I was pregnant with Jacob, there was a woman at work, Nicole, who was also pregnant. She was about 2-3 weeks ahead of me. After Jacob died, I avoided her. I never went to the area where she works, even though I used to work there and still have lots of friends there. I would only go if I knew she wasn't in that day. Everyday when I went out for lunch, I worried about seeing her as she works on the first floor and I had to walk by 2 doors that she could come out of from her work area. I did see her a few times in passing and it was hard...really hard.

She had her baby girl jsut over 3 weeks ago. I went out for lunch today and Ted found me in Indigo (a book store). He said that Nicole had just brought her baby in and he had been going to all of my usual places trying to find me so that I wouldn't walk back in the building and see them. I love him for doing that, it just makes me appreciate him even more. It would have been so hard to see that baby, who is only 2 weeks older than Jacob should be. I asked how Ted felt about seeing her and he said that it surprisingly didn't bother him. He didn't think about what we should have, he thought about what we hopefully will have in the future and how happy he is that we will (I wish I had his positive thinking and optimism).

We took our time going back to work and we went in the back door. I held my head down the whole time. I could feel all of the turmoil coming back up - how much I miss Jacob, saying sorry to him for all the things he won't get to do, thinking of how I should have been bringing him into work in November for everyone to see, wondering if this turmoil will always be a part of my life. I know it will. How can it not be when I will never hold my firstborn in my arms again?

About 30 minutes after I wrote the above, I had to go out for something. I figured I was pretty safe since Nicole would be on the 1st floor. As the doors opened on the 5th floor, I saw her standing in the elevator. There were other people getting on, so I didn't see her baby. We made eye contact and I just turned around immediately and walked away, the tears coming to my eyes before I could even take a step. She looked so happy. I stood there trying not to start sobbing.

I waited until I heard the elevator get to the first floor, then waited for another one to come. I glanced over the railing into the atrium and right at the moment, Nicole walked through the atrium, pushing her baby in the stroller.  The horrible feeling came over me again. Of course, then the CEO came out of his office and started talking me to. I could barely stop from crying.

I got down to the 1st floor, met my 2 colleagues/friends and we ran our errand. I told them what happened and they asked if I was OK. Brenda said that she was there to give me moral support if I need it. I said that I did. We got back to work, going in the back way this time, and they went ahead of me to make sure that the coast was clear, which it was. Back at my desk, I grabbed Jacob's ultrasound picture, my little mirror (so that I could make sure I looked decent before going back to my desk) and some kleenex. I went to my crying room and had a good cry.

Once I got back to my desk, Ted called and said not to come down to the atrium for a function that is starting at 3:30 until he calls me. I told him what had happened and I started crying at my desk. He could tell right away that I was, even though I was trying to hold it back so those nearby me wouldn't hear. He came up, we went to my crying room and hugged for awhile. He kept saying that it isn't that bad, that that baby is older than Jacob, that we will have another baby etc. But you know what. It is that bad. I still don't have my baby boy. I never will.


Angela said...

I'm sorry. I wish you could leave work for the day. It's unfair. I wish Jacob was here with you.

Mrs. Spit said...

I'm sorry Dana. The first time is just so, so, so hard.

Thinking of you.

Julie said...

my former-co-worker-turned-stay-at-home-mom who was due 6 weeks after me, and was supposed to be kenny's day care came to school last week to show off her baby. lucky for me she had the sense to come after dismissal, and she was thoughtful enough to email me first and let me know i would be there, so i made a point of leaving right away.

i then found out that my other former-co-worker-turned-stay-at-home-mom who is about to pop in about 2 or 3 weeks was at school the same day, during the school day, with her two young children. i was very grateful that i did not run into them, and that she had the sense not to come see me. i think i understand how hard this was for you. i'm glad you have friends (and your hubby!) at work to look out for you.

Drew's Parents said...

Oh Dana, I am so sorry you had to go through all of that today. I am glad that Ted was there to protect you and comfort you. It isn't fair at all that you didn't get to have your happy ending with Jacob. I wish I could have been there to hold your hand or help you escape. I sincerely hope that your weekend is much gentler than your Friday. I am sending you my love!

mommy4boys said...

I am so very sorry you had to deal with this all day. I am glad that Ted was there to help you through and that he understands so well. It is so hard to see others who have what you should. I hope your weekend is better than today was.
With love

Violet1122 said...

Oh Dana - what an awful day! Your husband was a hero today, and I'm so glad he was there to protect you as best as he could.

My cousin had a baby around the same time my first baby would have been due. Luckily, I only see them a couple of times a year - because it is so difficult to see her little boy and wonder what my baby would be like at that age.

I hope this weekend brings you some peace. ((Big Hugs))

butterflymom said...

Hugs to you, Dana. What a difficult day you had. Hoping for better days ahead.

Sheri said...

I'm so sorry, I went through a similar experience three weeks after I lost Olivia. A colleague brought in her newborn baby girl and I came around the corner, and there they were. I wasn't prepared for it and it was like someone kicked me in the chest. I couldn't breathe and all I could do was run to my office and close the door before the tears began pouring. All I could think about was how unfair it was that she had a healthy baby while mine was gone.

The pain never completely goes away, but it does lessen a bit over time. Sending you a big hug.

Shanna said...

Aw, Dana, I'm so sorry you had to deal with that! Luckily I've never had to deal with a new baby at work, but I swear all my coworkers do is talk about other coworkers that are pregnant, when they are due, etc. Then we get emails or pics attatched in the newsletter with photos of the happy families. Of course I can't help but look and then it depresses me! It's pretty difficult. You have some really great coworkers to look out for you! I hope you were able to enjoy your weekend and regroup for this work week!