Monday, October 4, 2010

The garden

Ted and I went to the garden on Friday night to spend some time with our boy. We stood there and hugged each other and were silent for awhile, both of us lost in our own thoughts. I always stare and stare at the place where Jacob’s ashes are buried. There is no gravestone or marker, but I know exactly where he is. Ted eventually said that he can’t believe that it has been 4 months and I said how the future that we dreamed about, that we were so close to having, is buried in that garden and it is so hard to believe. I wish I could see the garden as the place where Ted and I did a lot of our wedding pictures just over a year ago, but I only see it as my baby’s resting place.

No one in my family remembered that October 1st was 4 months, or at least they didn’t say anything to me about it. I was talking to Laurie on the phone the night before and made some reference to it and then she realized it (and felt bad that she hadn’t thought of it on her own). Laurie and Ben were supposed to meet us at the garden on Friday night, but Ben was sleeping and they didn’t make it there before we left. Laurie and Ben left Mom and Dad’s and Laurie decided to drive by the garden on the way home, which made me happy. At least she was doing something. As they drove by, Ben got upset and wanted to go into the garden, so they parked and went in. Ben got there and said “Jacob come out, big hug”.

I’ve wondered how much Ben really understands about Jacob and who he is. Does he realize that Jacob is a person, not just some abstract idea that we talk about a lot, especially when we are in the garden? Ben saying “Jacob come out, big hug” proves to me that he does understand, which kind of amazes me since Ben only turned 2 in June….10 days after Jacob was born. I know they are connected. I believe that kids are a lot closer to Heaven than we are and can see things that we can’t see. When Ben is playing with his cars on the floor and talking away to himself, I wonder if Jacob is there with him and it is actually Jacob that Ben is talking to. I like to think that is the case. Ben almost got hurt on June 13th, but an object moved just in time and that saved him from a potentially serious injury. I wasn’t there at the time, but Laurie later told me that she started thanking Jacob over and over again for saving Ben. Maybe that is one of the things that Jacob was meant to do, that was one of the purposes of his life. There must be a purpose. I believe that he is watching over Ben and any other cousins and brothers and sisters he will eventually have, and he has given me strength I didn’t know I had. He has helped get me in touch with other baby loss Mom’s who have helped me and who I have helped.

He made me a Mom. He will forever be the baby who made my dream come true of being a Mom, even though I didn’t get to keep him.


Rhiannon said...

I think it is so neat that Ben seems so connected to Jacob. That is truly a gift and a constant reminder that the link between the living and the dead is closer than we think. Thinking of you and Jacob always.

Amanda said...

Dana, I love the way you said it: "He made me a Mom. He will forever be the baby who made my dream come true of being a Mom, even though I didn’t get to keep him. "

What a beautiful way to think of yourself and for us other mamas who struggle with "am I a mother?"

Violet1122 said...

This post is so beautiful, Dana. I especially love the last paragraph you wrote. You are a mother!

I'm sorry no one in your family remembered the 4 month mark. I am continually amazed by stories of Ben, and how he seems to be so connected to Jacob. I definietly think there is something there... and that he must sense Jacob in a way us adults cannot.

Thinking of you... ((Big Hugs))

Drew's Parents said...

You are such a loving, thoughtful and giving mother. I think that Ben and Jacob do share a special connection. <3 It seems like Jacob was indeed watching over Ben when he had the near-accident. You have such a special son. We may not be mothers in the way the world understands, but we are mothers none the less. I am sending you my love!

Lea said...

Hi Dana ~ thank you for commenting on Nicholas'
Touch. I'm glad to have found you. I felt an instant connection as we are both in the Toronto area... and most likely delivered at the same hospital? We are in Newmarket, but our sweet Nicholas was born sound asleep at Mt. Sinai in November of 2008.

I have just read through some of yours and Jacob's story. Your posts are so raw and honest... I appreciate that. I see you just passed the 4 month marker ... you are still early on in your journey. Take care of yourself.. we are all here to support you.