Four months

Dear Jacob,

I miss you so much. I can’t believe that it has been 4 months since I held you. It has been the longest, hardest 4 months of my life. I just miss you and love you and I hate that you are gone. I’ve been having more flashbacks the last couple of days. In my last post, I wrote about driving by the hospital on Monday night. Even though there was no one in sight, I looked through the doors and saw everything as it was on May 31st and June 1st. The time I was standing by the door waiting for the ultrasound, talking to your Dad and my Dad on the phone while I waited, crying the whole time and not caring that people were watching me. Seeing the new parents getting ready to take their baby home, seeing the Dad come out and tell his family they had a boy. Seeing the Mom and that boy being pushed out of L&D as I was being brought in to give birth to my sweet baby, and walking out of those same doors without you. Standing on the sidewalk with only your blanket in my arms as I left the hospital on the 1st. It just keeps replaying in my mind. It is strange. I can feel the emotions, but sometimes it is like I am watching a movie of me going through those actions.

Last night I played some of the songs from Allison’s blog and looked at a slide show of your life from start to finish….my belly pictures to the last pictures we have of you. Of course, I sat there and cried and missed you and talked to you. Sometimes it is hard to believe that my life has turned out this way.

I wanted to stay home from work today and just be sad. I told your Dad of my plans and he said he would stay home too, even though he has tons of work to do (he said that I am the most important thing and to not think about work). I decided just to come to work anyway. I know your Dad is trying not to place extra significance on today….it is just another day without you….but I can’t do that. I also think your Dad didn’t want to travel to and from work alone because he is sad too and he would just sit at work worrying about me. I had a nice plan to go and sit in the garden with you for awhile. Maybe 1 hour, maybe 2 or 3. We are going to go tonight instead.

I’ve been spending some time lately looking into the room that would have been yours. I imagine where everything would be, the crib, the changing table, the rocking chair and the bookshelf. I imagine your little clothes all ready for you to wear. I imagine that today would have been my last day of work before my maternity leave. I would have had one whole year just to be with you and devote myself to you. Of course, I already am devoted to you. I always will be.

I know you must be in a better place. A place where you will never feel pain or fear or sadness. I hope that you aren’t sad watching your Mom and Dad being so sad. We are still grateful for you and would do it all over again because we love you so much.

The other day I was holding Ben and I asked who his cousin is and he replied, very enthusiastically “Jacob!”. I asked him where Jacob is and he said “up above us”. That’s right, you are up above us and I know you have a lot of company up there. I hope you and your friends are having a nice day today. All of us Mommies are down here missing you and trying to figure out how to go on without our babies in our arms.

Love you sweetie,

Mom