I'm not sure what it is lately, but I just feel a little more down. I had been slowly improving for the most part, but I can't shake the heaviness.
Things have been going pretty well lately, situations that could have been worse have turned out well. My coworker, who has been a big support at work and who I feel the closest to in my department, announced that she is leaving and I was a bit sad about it. But then one of my friends at work, who has also been great, got her job. So that worked out well, especially since I sit right beside her. There were several candidates for the job that would have been worse to work with. I thought about applying for the job, since I am already the back-up person for it and I already know several large parts of it, but I decided that I don't need more change right now. I've had more than enough lately. I'm still not back to my old, pre-losing baby level of productivity either. I still don't concentrate very well so I know learning all parts of the job right now and training someone on my current job would have been a bit too much.
Yesterday morning in the elevator at work, someone told her friend that she is having a really bad day because she lost her necklace that morning in the bathroom. I wanted to tell them that a bad day is finding out that your baby has died. I was so tempted, but I held back of course. I know the necklace might have great sentimental value to her and it is too bad that it is gone, but it could be so much worse.
Pregnant women are also bothering me alot more lately. I don't know why. It was horrible to see them right after Jacob was born. It was hard seeing them until recently. Then it just seemed to stop bothering me (looking back, it only stopped for a day or two, but it was liberating). What bothers me the most is seeing women who are about 5 months pregnant. I look at their bellies and compare what mine was...was I bigger, was I smaller, was I the same? When I am with Ted, I always ask him how my belly compared. I stare and stare at the women, envying them, hoping that their babies don't die. Wishing that mine hadn't.
My sister is 13 weeks pregnant, but she showed alot with her first and she is showing alot with her second. As a result, she already looks 5 months pregnant and I am finding it really hard to look at her belly. I alternate between staring at it and trying to look everywhere but at her belly.
I was at Home Depot on Sunday and saw several pregnant women. I find myself feeling mad at them sometimes. Actually angry that they go out in public and hurt people like me. As if they are doing it on purpose. I know it is totally unreasonable, but it is still there. One woman was about 7-8 months pregnant and the sales person was asking her if it was her first baby. She said yes and looked so happy. My first thought when I heard the question was how I will answer when I am asked that question. And I wondered if it was really her first or did she lose one before and decide that it was just easier to say yes. I think I need to quit going out in public. If only that was an option.
I've started to listen to babyloss songs more now. I avoided them like the plague most of the summer as they always put me in a downward spiral. Now I can listen to them without crying some of the time. I sing along and I feel like I am singing to Jacob. I will wake up in the middle of the night and have the words in my head. My favorites right now are "Still" by Gerrit Hofsink and "I Will Carry You" by Selah. Maybe I shouldn't be listening to them so much. Maybe this is why I feel down. Maybe I just feel down because my baby is dead and I want him back. As Ted and I were driving on Sunday, I caught myself looking in the back seat to check on the baby. The baby that has been dead for almost 5 months. It's funny the tricks that the mind can play on you.
I also woke up yesterday and thought that I shouldn't be getting out of bed to go to work. I should have been up half the night with a newborn. I wonder if this type of thinking ever goes away. In a few years from now, will I think of the things we would have been doing if Jacob was alive? I think so. I can't imagine it ever going away. I don't want it to.