Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Feeling down

I'm not sure what it is lately, but I just feel a little more down. I had been slowly improving for the most part, but I can't shake the heaviness.

Things have been going pretty well lately, situations that could have been worse have turned out well. My coworker, who has been a big support at work and who I feel the closest to in my department, announced that she is leaving and I was a bit sad about it. But then one of my friends at work, who has also been great, got her job. So that worked out well, especially since I sit right beside her. There were several candidates for the job that would have been worse to work with. I thought about applying for the job, since I am already the back-up person for it and I already know several large parts of it, but I decided that I don't need more change right now. I've had more than enough lately. I'm still not back to my old, pre-losing baby level of productivity either. I still don't concentrate very well so I know learning all parts of the job right now and training someone on my current job would have been a bit too much.

Yesterday morning in the elevator at work, someone told her friend that she is having a really bad day because she lost her necklace that morning in the bathroom. I wanted to tell them that a bad day is finding out that your baby has died. I was so tempted, but I held back of course. I know the necklace might have great sentimental value to her and it is too bad that it is gone, but it could be so much worse.
Pregnant women are also bothering me alot more lately. I don't know why. It was horrible to see them right after Jacob was born. It was hard seeing them until recently. Then it just seemed to stop bothering me (looking back, it only stopped for a day or two, but it was liberating). What bothers me the most is seeing women who are about 5 months pregnant. I look at their bellies and compare what mine was...was I bigger, was I smaller, was I the same? When I am with Ted, I always ask him how my belly compared. I stare and stare at the women, envying them, hoping that their babies don't die. Wishing that mine hadn't.

My sister is 13 weeks pregnant, but she showed alot with her first and she is showing alot with her second. As a result, she already looks 5 months pregnant and I am finding it really hard to look at her belly. I alternate between staring at it and trying to look everywhere but at her belly.

I was at Home Depot on Sunday and saw several pregnant women. I find myself feeling mad at them  sometimes. Actually angry that they go out in public and hurt people like me. As if they are doing it on purpose. I know it is totally unreasonable, but it is still there. One woman was about 7-8 months pregnant and the sales person was asking her if it was her first baby. She said yes and looked so happy. My first thought when I heard the question was how I will answer when I am asked that question. And I wondered if it was really her first or did she lose one before and decide that it was just easier to say yes. I think I need to quit going out in public. If only that was an option.

I've started to listen to babyloss songs more now. I avoided them like the plague most of the summer as they always put me in a downward spiral. Now I can listen to them without crying some of the time. I sing along and I feel like I am singing to Jacob. I will wake up in the middle of the night and have the words in my head. My favorites right now are "Still" by Gerrit Hofsink and "I Will Carry You" by Selah. Maybe I shouldn't be listening to them so much. Maybe this is why I feel down. Maybe I just feel down because my baby is dead and I want him back. As Ted and I were driving on Sunday, I caught myself looking in the back seat to check on the baby. The baby that has been dead for almost 5 months. It's funny the tricks that the mind can play on you.

I also woke up yesterday and thought that I shouldn't be getting out of bed to go to work. I should have been up half the night with a newborn. I wonder if this type of thinking ever goes away. In a few years from now, will I think of the things we would have been doing if Jacob was alive? I think so. I can't imagine it ever going away. I don't want it to.


Julie said...

pregnant women don't bother me quite as much now as they did - but of course some days are worse than others. any reminder at all of what we should have had is going to be hard to see, i think, for a long time.

Jessica said...

I am not a fan of seeing pregnant women. It annoys me even more because for some reason I go places and expect to not run into them - it's not like there is a pregnant free zone so I don't know why I think this - and then when I see them it bothers me A LOT! I swear when I go out I see WAY more pregnant women than I ever did before my loss. EVER! We were at a restaurant and of course we are at a table where a pregnant waitress with a huge belly constantly walks by us. GEESH. Anyways - I feel your pain - and I don't think it will ever fully go away. You never "get over it". Much love to you <3 I hope things start looking up <3

Angela said...

Sorry you've been feeling down lately. Grief comes in waves, and you're in the middle of a down swing right now. I hope things improve a little bit soon.

I'm proud of you for knowing now wasn't the right time for you to take on more responsibilities at work. I'm horrible at making decisions like that.

Keep taking care of yourself.

Drew's Parents said...

I'm so sorry you have been feeling down lately. I wish that not going out in public were an option too! I smiled when I read that. I feel the exact same way. So many upsetting and awkward situations could be avoided. We will probably always wonder what our little boys should be doing. But hopefully it will get a little easier as the months and years go on. They will always be with us, we can be sure of that. Jacob is watching over his family and is sending you so so so much love. <3 <3 <3

Jennifer said...

I feel you in not wanting to go out in public. I'm so acutely attuned to pregnant women or women with newborns out in public that when I sense one near I can't help but *sigh* and think, "it must have been nice..." It's just one of those things that we'll have in our hearts as bereaved mothers. I also think about how to answer the question - is this your first? if and when i'm fortunate enough to have a subsequent pregnancy. That's really a tough one. It's good you're being gentle on yourself, it would be difficult to face so much big responsibilities and work stresses with our grief coming and going. You will know when is the right time for you to welcome a change in your life. For now, take it one step at a time. (((hugs)))

Jaime said...

I wish there was some kind of code that pregnant women who have lost before could put out there to let others know that it was a struggle for them and that they feel our pain and that they are sympathetic to how we are feeling. It might make things a little easier? I now wear a Pregnancy and Infant Loss ribbon on my purse and if I don't have my purse I have it on my coat, visible, and those who know will understand.


Violet1122 said...

I recently read An Exact Replica of a Figment of my Imagination - and I loved the authors idea of having cards printed up that say something like:

My first three pregnancies ended in miscarriage. I've been trying for a baby for close to 4 years now.

That way, you can just hand them a card, without saying a word, and they can "get it" without having to say much back. And hopefully they would censor themselves from saying anything too insensitive.

I, too, dread the "Is this your first baby" question. It's the worst. It makes me wish I could hand out those cards, even more than I usually do.

I'm sorry you've been feeling down lately. I hope the coming days bring you some peace. I don't have as many bad days as I used to, but sometimes out of nowhere they seem to pop up.

Hang in there, Dana!

((Big Hugs))

MaryB said...

Yes, the pregnant women. There are 4 moms in my daughter's new preschool class who are pregnant and I was the 5th for a couple of months. Now it's just 4 again. There is always the "what if." My current miscarriage (still in progress) started on October 15th, the day after what should have been my stillborn baby's due date. Needing a break. This is a lovely, heartbreaking post.

Kristin said...

Thinking of you, Dana. <3

Rhiannon said...

I am sorry that you are feeling so down and I hope that things will be looking up for you soon. Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you always!

Shanna said...

Dana, I'm so sorry you're feeling down. I have been feeling that way far too much lately and it's awful. Recently I've been in a great mood, I don't know why, and I wish that I could share it with you (since who knows how long it'll last?).

Aren't pregnant women so annoying when you're not one of them? I'm less bitter about them now but still jealous. I don't know how I will answer if I ever get asked if my next pregnancy is my first child. "My first living child." "Hopefully..." At this point I'm ready for the future where I can do everything on my home computer so I don't have to be faced with these difficult life situations! I hope things start looking better soon. Thinking of you! :)

Courtney said...

Oh dear sweet Dana, it hurts my heart seeing another pregnant woman. I so wish it didn't because I use to be them, oblivious to what could possibly happen.