Dear Jacob,
Today is 7 months since you were born. And it is New Year's Day. Your Dad and I miss you all the time. While so many people in the world were celebrating last night, I lay on the couch with your Dad and with your bear held against my chest, tears occasionally coming to my eyes. I fell asleep for awhile and woke up just before midnight. I wish I could say I fell asleep because I was pregnant with Cub, but of course that isn't the case. Things would be so different if Cub hadn't died. We would still miss you all the time, but we would have something to hope for and concentrate on.
Yesterday I went to the hospital with your Nana to get her cast off, the same hospital where you were born. I felt anxious about going because it was 7 months exactly since I was admitted there with you. I thought I might end up in Labour & Delivery to see the room you were born in and if the nurses I had were there, but I managed to stay away. I decided while I was there that nothing good would come of going, that day of all days.
I stopped at your garden on the way home from the hospital. The gate was locked and I was just thinking about jumping over it when the church custodian came outside and offered to open it. Do you know that someone moved the rose we planted? They moved it to the bushes right in front of where we buried it in the ground. I assume that it was falling over and I love that someone took the time to do that, knowing that the rose had special significance. It also means that someone else thought about the person buried there too. Maybe they even knew it was for you.
Thursday night was a hard one. As I was getting ready to go to bed, I just got so incredibly sad. I ended up standing in the bedroom hugging your bear and sobbing. I have also held your bear while cooking, walking around the house and just watching TV, just as I would have been holding you. I often think when I am sitting around watching a movie or reading a book that I shouldn't be able to do that. I should be doing something for you or always listening for the baby monitor for when you wake up. I guess acceptance will come one day. "They" say it will. I don't see it any signs of it.
I'm having a hard time with it being a new year. It feels so wrong to move onto a new year without you and it makes me sad that we will never live in the same year again. 2010 belongs to you. The joy, the sorrow, the love. I know a new date on a calendar means nothing in terms of my love for you, but now when/if someone asks, I have to say that you died last year. That just seems too long ago. I want to stay in the year that we shared. I want to keep you as close as possible forever in every way that I can and it seems to get harder and harder. There are even times when I have moments of disbelief and wonder how it was that I was ever pregnant in the first place, how it was that I delivered and buried my first child. I look at your ultrasound pictures and it seems hard to believe that you were inside of me but I no longer have you. You have changed my life. You have changed me. I had 5 months of incredible joy, like I had never felt before, because of you. Now I have had 7 months of incredible sorrow, sorrow like I have never felt before, because of you and I will have a lifetime of it. I also have a best friend, because of you. It is all worth it because you were, you are, so wonderful and amazing and loved.
This morning I went through some of your things....the certificate of birth the hospital gave us, the hospital bands, the tape measure we measured you with, the grief pamphlets we got from the hospital, one of your ultrasound pictures, your foot and handprints and the autopsy and pathology reports. Reading the words "normal morphology upon external and internal examination" made my heart lurch as I thought of the autopsy being done on you. I put the ultrasound picture and your hand and footprints in the box that your Grandparents and Aunts gave us. Then I picked up the blanket your Nana made for you and held it to my face and cried. You should have been wrapped in the blanket. For a few minutes, I pretended that you were.
We went to Tim Horton's this afternoon, got hot chocolate and then went to the garden to visit you. The tears didn't come as they usually do when I am there. I was sad, but just accepted that I didn't need to cry right at that moment. It is surreal that we are so far away from when you were born. I couldn't even see this far in the future for so long after we found out you died. It is still hard to envision a future without you in our arms.
You will never, ever be forgotten and you will always, always be loved and missed.
Mom
Our sad ticker
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Friday, December 31, 2010
2010 Recap
1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
Got pregnant, gave birth and buried my child. Got pregnant 2 more times, lost
both of those babies.
2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't remember what they were. Probably to not procrastinate as much. I still
procrastinate. Or it might be the grief that makes it hard to get things done.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
A few people at work, but I'm not that close to them. One of them had a baby
3 weeks before Jacob's due date. And of course a whole bunch of my new friends
that I have met since losing Jacob and have become close to.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
My baby boy and two more babies lost through miscarriage.
5. What countries/states did you visit?
We went to Manhattan.
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A living baby.
7. What dates/events from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I think it is pretty obvious. They all involve my babies.
January 29/30 - When I started suspecting I was pregnant
February 7 - The day I found out I was pregnant with Jacob
April 9 - my first ultrasound with Jacob
May 3 - Heard Jacob's heartbeat with the doppler at my OB's office for
the first and last time.
May 11 - my birthday and the day I had some bleeding
May 12 - Went to the hospital because of bleeding, had ultrasound in the
ER and everything looked OK except a small sub-chorionic hemorrhage
May 13 - Had an ultrasound/anatomy at 17.5 weeks because of the bleeding.
Saw my little boy moving all around. Found out there was something wrong
with his foot.
May 17 - My second anatomy scan. Saw Jacob moving around everywhere.
Found out that there was something wrong with his hands in addition to his
foot and was really upset, little did I know what was to come. Referred to
Mount Sinai (appointment was June 7th...we didn't go as Jacob died before then).
May 31 - my 5 month prenatal appointment where I found out that Jacob died
June 1 - Gave birth to my little boy
June 18 - Buried our sweet boy's ashes in the memorial garden next to the
church we were married in.
July 13 - 6 week post-partum appointment
August 20 - Had unexpected bleeding and discovered I was pregnant. A week of
uncertaintly followed as we waited to find out if my hcg level was rising or falling
(it was falling)
August 31 - Got possession of our new house.
October 14 - Found out I was pregnant again, on Jacob's due date.
November 8 - First ultrasound at 7.5 weeks. No baby could be seen. We hoped
it was because my uterus was tilted.
November 17 - second ultrasound, again no baby found
November 26 and 27 - After waiting a week to miscarry, decided to take
misprostal. Started on the evening of November 26th and finished the major
stuff the evening of November 27th. Little Cub officially miscarried at 10 weeks,
but most likely died shortly after conception.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Staying sane, staying alive.
9. What was your biggest failure?
The first thing that came to mind was letting my babies die, but I know it wasn't
really my fault, that I did everything I could, etc.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Do depression and grief count? I did have the flu and 6 weeks of morning (all day)
sickness.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
A new house, I guess. We bought the house because we thought we would have
a baby to raise in it. We are still glad we did it, but one of those rooms should
be a nursery and it isn't.
The other top things would be things to remember Jacob by, like the teddy bear.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
All of my family and friends who stepped up and let me know that I'm not alone.
Those who didn't stop talking to us because they didn't know what to say
after Jacob died.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Someone at work and the people who said they would be there for us, that
they would keep calling etc and didn't.
14. Where did most of your money go?
The new house.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Having a baby. We got excited about that twice this year. I would say 3 times,
but we didn't know I was pregnant with August until I was already losing August.
16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Wavin' Flag by K'naan. In my first trimester, I heard this song when we were
driving around on the weekends. I was emotional and it made me cry
everytime because it made me think of the starving, opressed children in the
world. I haven't been able to listen to the song since Jacob died because it
reminds me of being in that happy place when I was still pregnant.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Sadder.
b) fatter or thinner? Thinner, I think, although I feel a little thicker around
the middle. Lately people have been telling me that I really need to gain weight.
I don't really see it though.
c) richer or poorer? About the same.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Rested my hand on my belly when I was pregnant. I know I did it alot, but I
think I could have done it more. I also wish that I had looked at Jacob's body
more and lay him on my chest. So many more things I wish I had done with him,
or done them for longer.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
I could say grieving, but that wouldn't be totally true. I guess it would have
been nice to be sad a little less, but part of me still wants to be sad. I guess
I wish that I'd done less of feeling guilty for not saving him. There was no way
I could have saved him so I wish that I felt less guilty about failing him and
letting people down.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my family and with Jacob on my mind constantly. Ted and I went to
the garden where his ashes are buried in the afternoon and planted a rose
where his ashes are.
21. Which blogspot people did you meet this year?
In real life, I met Elaine, Blaine's mom.
Just over the internet, so many baby loss Mom's and I am so grateful to
have met them. I have talked on the phone to a few of them.
22. Did you fall in love in 2010?
I did, with Jacob. And with my husband all over again. I will never understand
how he managed to be so strong for me when he lost his baby too.
23. How many one-night stands?
none
24. What was your favourite TV program?
Hard to say because I haven't watched much TV since losing Jacob. The olympics stood out to me this year because I love watching them in general and I watched them when I was pretty nauseous, so they remind me of Jacob. Some shows I've watched this year are Dexter, Glee, Grey's Anatomy, MI5 and Alias. I don't know when anything is on TV though, so I only watch it if I happen to notice it when it starts. I always used to know when my favourite shows were on.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I am pretty close to hating one person. Maybe I do hate that person.
26. What was the best book you read?
"An Exact Replica of a Figment of my Imagination" by Elizabeth McCracken....
about losing a baby of course. I also read "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart"
a week after losing Jacob and it made me feel less crazy.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Baby loss songs. I don't listen to them very often though because they put
me in a downward spiral.
28. What did you want and get?
I wanted to get pregnant and I did. But by wanting to get pregnant, I wanted
to take that baby home with me and I didn't get that. Then I wanted to get
pregnant again, and I did, but that also didn't have a happy ending.
29. What did you want and not get?
I wanted, I want, Jacob in my arms. Since that didn't work out, I would like to
still be pregnant with Cub.
30. What was your favourite film of this year?
No idea. I remember going to see Inception in the summer, but I could barely
concentrate on anything for 5 minutes at a time, much less 2.5 hours. I also
saw Avatar before Jacob died, but I wouldn't call either film one of my favorites.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 35 . I went to work, Jessie took me out for lunch and gave me
some maternity tops and then Ted took me to East Side Mario's for dinner.
I started bleeding there, so I spend the rest of the night full of anxiety and fear.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I think the answer is pretty obvious. I would have felt immeasurably more
satisfied if Jacob had lived.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Pretty much the same as it has always been, with some maternity pants
thrown in there and then taken out again. There were times when I
couldn't figure out what to wear because it was just too big of a decision,
so Ted had to pick out clothes for me.
34. What kept you sane?
Ted, my babyloss Mom friends, my family and the need to keep Jacob's
memory alive and do something good in his name.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
No one.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I didn't pay much attention to politics.
37. Who did you miss?
Jacob, Cub and August.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Jacob
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I found out just how true
that is this year.
Got pregnant, gave birth and buried my child. Got pregnant 2 more times, lost
both of those babies.
2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't remember what they were. Probably to not procrastinate as much. I still
procrastinate. Or it might be the grief that makes it hard to get things done.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
A few people at work, but I'm not that close to them. One of them had a baby
3 weeks before Jacob's due date. And of course a whole bunch of my new friends
that I have met since losing Jacob and have become close to.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
My baby boy and two more babies lost through miscarriage.
5. What countries/states did you visit?
We went to Manhattan.
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A living baby.
7. What dates/events from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I think it is pretty obvious. They all involve my babies.
January 29/30 - When I started suspecting I was pregnant
February 7 - The day I found out I was pregnant with Jacob
April 9 - my first ultrasound with Jacob
May 3 - Heard Jacob's heartbeat with the doppler at my OB's office for
the first and last time.
May 11 - my birthday and the day I had some bleeding
May 12 - Went to the hospital because of bleeding, had ultrasound in the
ER and everything looked OK except a small sub-chorionic hemorrhage
May 13 - Had an ultrasound/anatomy at 17.5 weeks because of the bleeding.
Saw my little boy moving all around. Found out there was something wrong
with his foot.
May 17 - My second anatomy scan. Saw Jacob moving around everywhere.
Found out that there was something wrong with his hands in addition to his
foot and was really upset, little did I know what was to come. Referred to
Mount Sinai (appointment was June 7th...we didn't go as Jacob died before then).
May 31 - my 5 month prenatal appointment where I found out that Jacob died
June 1 - Gave birth to my little boy
June 18 - Buried our sweet boy's ashes in the memorial garden next to the
church we were married in.
July 13 - 6 week post-partum appointment
August 20 - Had unexpected bleeding and discovered I was pregnant. A week of
uncertaintly followed as we waited to find out if my hcg level was rising or falling
(it was falling)
August 31 - Got possession of our new house.
October 14 - Found out I was pregnant again, on Jacob's due date.
November 8 - First ultrasound at 7.5 weeks. No baby could be seen. We hoped
it was because my uterus was tilted.
November 17 - second ultrasound, again no baby found
November 26 and 27 - After waiting a week to miscarry, decided to take
misprostal. Started on the evening of November 26th and finished the major
stuff the evening of November 27th. Little Cub officially miscarried at 10 weeks,
but most likely died shortly after conception.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Staying sane, staying alive.
9. What was your biggest failure?
The first thing that came to mind was letting my babies die, but I know it wasn't
really my fault, that I did everything I could, etc.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Do depression and grief count? I did have the flu and 6 weeks of morning (all day)
sickness.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
A new house, I guess. We bought the house because we thought we would have
a baby to raise in it. We are still glad we did it, but one of those rooms should
be a nursery and it isn't.
The other top things would be things to remember Jacob by, like the teddy bear.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
All of my family and friends who stepped up and let me know that I'm not alone.
Those who didn't stop talking to us because they didn't know what to say
after Jacob died.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Someone at work and the people who said they would be there for us, that
they would keep calling etc and didn't.
14. Where did most of your money go?
The new house.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Having a baby. We got excited about that twice this year. I would say 3 times,
but we didn't know I was pregnant with August until I was already losing August.
16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Wavin' Flag by K'naan. In my first trimester, I heard this song when we were
driving around on the weekends. I was emotional and it made me cry
everytime because it made me think of the starving, opressed children in the
world. I haven't been able to listen to the song since Jacob died because it
reminds me of being in that happy place when I was still pregnant.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Sadder.
b) fatter or thinner? Thinner, I think, although I feel a little thicker around
the middle. Lately people have been telling me that I really need to gain weight.
I don't really see it though.
c) richer or poorer? About the same.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Rested my hand on my belly when I was pregnant. I know I did it alot, but I
think I could have done it more. I also wish that I had looked at Jacob's body
more and lay him on my chest. So many more things I wish I had done with him,
or done them for longer.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
I could say grieving, but that wouldn't be totally true. I guess it would have
been nice to be sad a little less, but part of me still wants to be sad. I guess
I wish that I'd done less of feeling guilty for not saving him. There was no way
I could have saved him so I wish that I felt less guilty about failing him and
letting people down.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my family and with Jacob on my mind constantly. Ted and I went to
the garden where his ashes are buried in the afternoon and planted a rose
where his ashes are.
21. Which blogspot people did you meet this year?
In real life, I met Elaine, Blaine's mom.
Just over the internet, so many baby loss Mom's and I am so grateful to
have met them. I have talked on the phone to a few of them.
22. Did you fall in love in 2010?
I did, with Jacob. And with my husband all over again. I will never understand
how he managed to be so strong for me when he lost his baby too.
23. How many one-night stands?
none
24. What was your favourite TV program?
Hard to say because I haven't watched much TV since losing Jacob. The olympics stood out to me this year because I love watching them in general and I watched them when I was pretty nauseous, so they remind me of Jacob. Some shows I've watched this year are Dexter, Glee, Grey's Anatomy, MI5 and Alias. I don't know when anything is on TV though, so I only watch it if I happen to notice it when it starts. I always used to know when my favourite shows were on.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I am pretty close to hating one person. Maybe I do hate that person.
26. What was the best book you read?
"An Exact Replica of a Figment of my Imagination" by Elizabeth McCracken....
about losing a baby of course. I also read "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart"
a week after losing Jacob and it made me feel less crazy.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Baby loss songs. I don't listen to them very often though because they put
me in a downward spiral.
28. What did you want and get?
I wanted to get pregnant and I did. But by wanting to get pregnant, I wanted
to take that baby home with me and I didn't get that. Then I wanted to get
pregnant again, and I did, but that also didn't have a happy ending.
29. What did you want and not get?
I wanted, I want, Jacob in my arms. Since that didn't work out, I would like to
still be pregnant with Cub.
30. What was your favourite film of this year?
No idea. I remember going to see Inception in the summer, but I could barely
concentrate on anything for 5 minutes at a time, much less 2.5 hours. I also
saw Avatar before Jacob died, but I wouldn't call either film one of my favorites.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 35 . I went to work, Jessie took me out for lunch and gave me
some maternity tops and then Ted took me to East Side Mario's for dinner.
I started bleeding there, so I spend the rest of the night full of anxiety and fear.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I think the answer is pretty obvious. I would have felt immeasurably more
satisfied if Jacob had lived.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Pretty much the same as it has always been, with some maternity pants
thrown in there and then taken out again. There were times when I
couldn't figure out what to wear because it was just too big of a decision,
so Ted had to pick out clothes for me.
34. What kept you sane?
Ted, my babyloss Mom friends, my family and the need to keep Jacob's
memory alive and do something good in his name.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
No one.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I didn't pay much attention to politics.
37. Who did you miss?
Jacob, Cub and August.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Jacob
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I found out just how true
that is this year.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Christmas Day
I don't really know where to begin here. Christmas day wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, although we had plenty of sad times. I thought I would have to disappear several times during the day to cry in my room and that I would end up taking one of my anti-anxiety pills that my OB gave me during the miscarriage, but I didn't do any of those things. I think alot of it had to do with the gifts that my family gave us the night before for Jacob and a call in the morning from a dear friend.
We brought the bears downstairs with us Christmas morning (I slept with one of them, and Jacob's blanket that I always sleep with, the night before), but I didn't hold either of them while the gifts were being opened. It was just too much and would have made me too sad. But I wanted them in the room and they were.
Opening the gifts wasn't too bad, but watching Ben run around the room, delivering the gifts to the person we told him too, made me sad since we will never see Jacob do that. Several times I looked around the room at everyone and imagine how it would be if Jacob was in our arms and being passed around from person to person. That is what I imagined last Christmas. That is what we came close to having this Christmas.
On Christmas Eve, Laurie wore a wrap sweater and was always careful to wrap it around her belly whenever Ted and I were around. On Christmas morning, she was wearing a loose shirt. I could still see her belly, but it wasn't under a tight shirt, which helped. It did hurt the few times I saw her resting her arms over her belly and when she mentioned how tired she was and how she had heartburn. I was in the kitchen at some point and Ted said that Laurie and Mom were on the couch together and started talking about what next Christmas will be like when her baby boy is here and it hurt Ted to hear it. I haven't asked any more details about the conversation because I don't really want to know. Andy also gave Laurie a few gifts and said that she could use them with "the boys", which also made my heart lurch.
We did our family pictures, with Jacob's bears in the picture.
After the first round was taken, Laurie suggested that someone else hold a bear and Mom held one. I liked that idea.
Jessie and Dave and Laurie, Andy and Ben left in the early afternoon to go to the in-laws. Ted and I decided that was a good time to go to the garden to plant the rose we bought. That was definitely the hardest part of the day. We arrived at the garden and as we got close to the spot where Jacob's ashes are buried, Ted said "Hi Jake Jake". It was the first time I have heard him call Jacob by a nickname and the tears came. Ted always talks out loud to Jacob when we visit, but I always talk to him in my head, unless I am alone. Ted told him how much we love him and miss him and wish that he was here. I said all the same things. We stood there hugging for awhile and then decided to plant the flower.
As Ted was setting up the tripod for us to take a family picture, he took this picture as I was talking to my baby boy and crying.
Our family picture. It should have looked so different.
When we left the garden and got in the car, Ted opened up and said what a huge loss we have suffered. I have always felt bad leaving Jacob when I leave the garden, as if I am abandoning him. Ted brought it up this time, saying how much he hates doing it, that he feels like we are leaving him all alone in the cold. All we wanted to do was to protect him forever and we couldn't do that. I was crying a little and we talked about how happy we were last Spring. Everything was working out and falling into place in our life and the absolute best thing was that we were expecting a baby. We had the everyday worries and concerns of everyday life, but we were so incredibly happy and it was all because of the little life we had created and were working hard to do everything right for. Ted had to take over the cooking because I was too nauseous to even attempt it and he always made sure I ate well, even though I threw it up for a good 6 weeks or so. And then when we saw him for the first time and then I felt him move for the first time. I had never been so happy. We couldn't wait for the time when Ted would be able to feel him move too. We were so close to that time when we lost him.
We got back to the house and before we knew it, it was time for dinner. Lindsay's friend Sana came over and as we were sitting around the table, I told her what my family had gotten for us in memory of Jacob. I broke down when telling her what the inscription in the books said and I couldn't continue. I said sorry that I couldn't talk. Sana rubbed my back and my Dad said that they would be more worried if I wasn't crying.
I don't know how I got so lucky to have such a great husband, a wonderful family, and wonderful friends.
After everyone left and we cleaned up, I went to lie on the couch with Ted. We talked about how love can hurt and not only did his son die, but a he has watched a piece of his wife die too. He said that he can never understand the bond that I had, that I have, with Jacob and I can never understand what it has been like for him, to lose your son and a piece of your wife.
We brought the bears downstairs with us Christmas morning (I slept with one of them, and Jacob's blanket that I always sleep with, the night before), but I didn't hold either of them while the gifts were being opened. It was just too much and would have made me too sad. But I wanted them in the room and they were.
Opening the gifts wasn't too bad, but watching Ben run around the room, delivering the gifts to the person we told him too, made me sad since we will never see Jacob do that. Several times I looked around the room at everyone and imagine how it would be if Jacob was in our arms and being passed around from person to person. That is what I imagined last Christmas. That is what we came close to having this Christmas.
On Christmas Eve, Laurie wore a wrap sweater and was always careful to wrap it around her belly whenever Ted and I were around. On Christmas morning, she was wearing a loose shirt. I could still see her belly, but it wasn't under a tight shirt, which helped. It did hurt the few times I saw her resting her arms over her belly and when she mentioned how tired she was and how she had heartburn. I was in the kitchen at some point and Ted said that Laurie and Mom were on the couch together and started talking about what next Christmas will be like when her baby boy is here and it hurt Ted to hear it. I haven't asked any more details about the conversation because I don't really want to know. Andy also gave Laurie a few gifts and said that she could use them with "the boys", which also made my heart lurch.
We did our family pictures, with Jacob's bears in the picture.
After the first round was taken, Laurie suggested that someone else hold a bear and Mom held one. I liked that idea.
Jessie and Dave and Laurie, Andy and Ben left in the early afternoon to go to the in-laws. Ted and I decided that was a good time to go to the garden to plant the rose we bought. That was definitely the hardest part of the day. We arrived at the garden and as we got close to the spot where Jacob's ashes are buried, Ted said "Hi Jake Jake". It was the first time I have heard him call Jacob by a nickname and the tears came. Ted always talks out loud to Jacob when we visit, but I always talk to him in my head, unless I am alone. Ted told him how much we love him and miss him and wish that he was here. I said all the same things. We stood there hugging for awhile and then decided to plant the flower.
 |
| The last time I was in this spot was when we were putting his ashes in the ground |
As Ted was setting up the tripod for us to take a family picture, he took this picture as I was talking to my baby boy and crying.
Our family picture. It should have looked so different.
When we left the garden and got in the car, Ted opened up and said what a huge loss we have suffered. I have always felt bad leaving Jacob when I leave the garden, as if I am abandoning him. Ted brought it up this time, saying how much he hates doing it, that he feels like we are leaving him all alone in the cold. All we wanted to do was to protect him forever and we couldn't do that. I was crying a little and we talked about how happy we were last Spring. Everything was working out and falling into place in our life and the absolute best thing was that we were expecting a baby. We had the everyday worries and concerns of everyday life, but we were so incredibly happy and it was all because of the little life we had created and were working hard to do everything right for. Ted had to take over the cooking because I was too nauseous to even attempt it and he always made sure I ate well, even though I threw it up for a good 6 weeks or so. And then when we saw him for the first time and then I felt him move for the first time. I had never been so happy. We couldn't wait for the time when Ted would be able to feel him move too. We were so close to that time when we lost him.
We got back to the house and before we knew it, it was time for dinner. Lindsay's friend Sana came over and as we were sitting around the table, I told her what my family had gotten for us in memory of Jacob. I broke down when telling her what the inscription in the books said and I couldn't continue. I said sorry that I couldn't talk. Sana rubbed my back and my Dad said that they would be more worried if I wasn't crying.
I don't know how I got so lucky to have such a great husband, a wonderful family, and wonderful friends.
After everyone left and we cleaned up, I went to lie on the couch with Ted. We talked about how love can hurt and not only did his son die, but a he has watched a piece of his wife die too. He said that he can never understand the bond that I had, that I have, with Jacob and I can never understand what it has been like for him, to lose your son and a piece of your wife.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Christmas Eve and an unexpected surprise
Right after losing Jacob, I was given the phone number of a woman at my church who had lost her baby 6 years ago. I called her 5 days later and we talked a few times, for several hours each time. She was a big help to me in the beginning, listened to me cry, listened to my fears and answered alot of questions. She said a few things that have always stuck out to me. Many were good and helped me heal, but one of them has haunted me a little. She said that at Christmas, I will probably be the only one who remembers Jacob.
I'm happy to say that that wasn't the case.
On Christmas Eve day, my sister Laurie told me that they had a surprise for us that night. I figured that it had something to do with Jacob, but didn't know what. I suspected it might be a Teddy Bear.
On Christmas Eve night, my sister Jessie called Ted and I into my kitchen, clearly to get us out of the living room. When we came back in, this is what we saw.
As Ted and I stood in front of the chair, with my family gathered around, I cried and cried. The minute I saw it, the tears came. Tears that I couldn't control at all, tears that made it so that I couldn't even speak. I was shaking and crying and was so grateful. I didn't even see Ted's reaction because he was standing behind me, taking it in too.
Each of these items is so special and involved so much thought.
The bear:
The outfit the bear is dressed in is one that my Mom bought for Jacob before he was born. I didn't even know about it until now. There was a bow around the bear's neck that had Jacob written on it. The bear is the perfect colour. We wanted one that was somewhere between white and black, since I am white and Ted is black. I slept with the bear on Christmas Eve.
The books:
"Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch
Just the title had me in tears. Then I opened the book and saw this:
It says: Dedicated to Jacob, the nephew/grandson/cousin we never got to know, but will never forget.
It is signed by Andy, Laurie and Ben; Lindsay and Brian; Jessie and Dave; and Nana and Grandpa.
Lindsay told me she looked up Robert Munsch and discovered that he wrote the book in memory of his 2 stillborn babies, born in 1979 and 1980.
The Butterfly Book:
They know that butterflies remind me of Jacob. The inscription in this book says:
To Dear Jacob Evan on your 1st Christmas. Love Nana and Grandpa
The box:
Lindsay found the pictures of Jacob's name that other baby loss Mom's have done, printed out some and put them in this box. She chose one of her favourites for the front of the box. Engraved on the front is June 1, 2010.
The stocking:
This touched me alot. Now Jacob had a stocking to put with everyone else's. On Christmas Day, I discovered Laurie (my pregnant sister) sleeping on the couch with the stocking.
Inside the stocking was this key chain:
After we looked through everything and I composed myself a little, Ted and I hugged everyone in the room. I spent the rest of the night sitting on the chair with the items, holding the bear and occassionally opening the books and re-reading the inscriptions. I couldn't do that much though, because I started crying again every time I did.
Jessie also gave me this ornament for Jacob a few weeks ago. When it isn't on the tree, it is hanging in our bedroom.
I found out the next day that the whole thing was Lindsay's idea and everyone did some part of it. As Lindsay left last night, I thanked her for saving Christmas. We still had alot of hard times on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but without knowing that everyone was thinking about Jacob and all of the thoughtfulness they put into this gift, it would have been alot worse.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
First Christmas in Heaven
My First Christmas in Heaven
Author Unknown
Author Unknown
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below,
with tiny lights like heaven’s stars, reflecting on the snow.
with tiny lights like heaven’s stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular.
Please wipe away that tear, for I am spending Christmas with Jesus this year.
Please wipe away that tear, for I am spending Christmas with Jesus this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
but the sounds of the music can’t compare with the Christmas choir up here.
but the sounds of the music can’t compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
for it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.
for it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me. I see the pain in your heart,
but I am not so far away. We really aren’t apart.
but I am not so far away. We really aren’t apart.
So be happy for me dear one. You know I hold you dear,
and be glad I’m spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
and be glad I’m spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I send you each a special gift from my heavenly home above;
I send you each a memory of my undying love.
I send you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, “love” is the gift, more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my father said to do,
for I can count the blessings or love he has for you.
for I can count the blessings or love he has for you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear,
remember I’m spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year
remember I’m spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year
Dear Jacob,
We miss you so much. I hope that you are enjoying your Christmas and that you can see all of the lights down here. I hope that Christmas is wonderful in Heaven and that you always feel surrounded by love. We love you just as much as we would have if you were here in our arms and we will always be sad that you were called away so soon. Last Christmas, we were so sure that we would have our baby in our arms by this Christmas. Then we found out about you in January and it seemed like our hopes for that would come true. You will always be included in our everyday lives and in all of the special events and holidays. We have alot of ornaments on the tree just for you. I hope you like the bear we got to include in our family pictures. Your Dad and I get really sad everytime we look at it and even sadder when we hold it.
We wish more than anything that we were holding you.
I hope you were there to welcome August and Cub when they joined you. You have so much company up there. It is beartbreaking to see all of the babies that are up there with you, and all of the pain that their families are going through. Please help all of those families to feel their babies close and to feel some peace.
Please help you Dad and I to feel you close. We thinking about you constantly and miss you every second.
We love you so much,
Mom
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Always with me
I finally did it. I love it, it is exactly how I have pictured it since June. The last few days the desire to get a tattoo has gotten even stronger and today I knew that I had to do it before Christmas. We took a chance and went to the tattoo place to see if it could be done today and they had a few cancellations. It was worth the pain (and it sure did hurt). I got it on my left ankle because it was Jacob's left leg that was affected by the amniotic bands.
I feel like the open wound that I have been walking around with has healed just a tiny bit, for today anyway. The big gaping hole that Jacob left has gotten a tiny bit smaller. I had no idea that getting a tattoo would make me feel that way.
After getting the tattoo, we went downtown to the garden to visit. I starting crying as soon as I walked in the garden, talking to Jacob in my head and telling what I did today, just because of him and just for him. Looking at the spot where he is buried....it just looks so empty, especially since there aren't any flowers there now and there aren't any leaves on the tree.
As Ted and I walked away, Ted said how hard it is to go there, how hard the whole situation is. It sure is.....
Then we went to work on the original mission of the day, to find a bear to represent Jacob in our family pictures. We really wanted to get the bear before Christmas. I am going to knit a sweater for the bear (maybe it is a bit ambitious considering how busy the week is going to be) with a "J" on the chest. We went to 10 stores before we found it. There were some that were close, but they weren't perfect. We both loved this one as soon as we saw it.
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