Sunday, September 11, 2011

At the garden

Ted and I stopped by the garden yesterday. As soon as we walked in, Ted noticed a bird sitting on top of the trellis . It looked like the bird was watching over the garden and Jacob. It stayed there the whole time we were there. Because I like signs from my baby, I hoped this was one. I haven't seen a bird stay so still like that for so long.

I went with Laurie, Ben and Daniel to the Farmer's Market near our houses yesterday morning. Laurie had Ben in a stroller and Daniel in a sling. I didn't push the stroller for awhile, I was waiting to figure out if I would be OK with doing it. I soon decided I was and pushed Ben. Once in the mall parking lot where the market is, I reached for the baby (which is a huge accomplishment for me and is happening more and more lately) and held him for a bit while Laurie pushed the stroller. Suddenly the "what should have beens" flooded me and overwhelmed me. I told her she had to hold the baby and why and I pushed Ben again while crying (and trying not too). I had all these plans of how Laurie and I would have been spending time together a lot with our babies. We would both have been on maternity leave right now. It would have worked out so well.

I also realized something else. I haven't seen many monarch butterflies this summer, just one here and there. Yesterday I saw a lot of them (they kept flying in front of our car as we drove around). On July 1, 2010, Jacob's one month anniversary, we were sitting at the garden. I was crying a lot and asked Jacob to send me a butterfly to let me know he is OK. Within a minute a monarch appeared and landed 3 times on the tree he is buried under and then flew towards Ted and I. I have always considered that a sign, but do even more now, since realizing how few monarch's I've seen over the summer until now. Maybe they aren't around much until this time of year. Whatever it is, it makes that sign even more special and makes me feel even more sure of it.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Crying; The Sims

The crying
As we were coming home on the GO train today, there was a 2 year old crying for most of the ride. It started off as a small cry and grew and grew until he was sobbing and choking as he cried. As I listened to him, I thought of how we change how we cry as we get older. When we are really young, the crying is loud, uninhibited. Loud to get attention and loud because that is the only way you really know how to cry. As we get older, we learn to cry quietly, not to draw so much attention to ourselves.

I wondered how long it has been since I cried like that. At first I thought that it must have been several years, but then I realized that it hasn't been that long at all. I've done it several times since May 31, 2010. I told Ted this and it made him feel really sad.

I think the last time I had a huge, huge cry was May 3rd (the day my nephew was born in the same hospital Jacob was). I got home that night and fell apart. Huge, heaving sobs that I could barely breathe between, crying loud and not trying to be quiet at all (I was home alone). I feel badly that I cried so much the day my adorable little nephew was born. I was so relieved that he was alive and healthy and that Laurie was fine. I had been worried about them for months.  But it was so painful being in that hospital, walking the same floors, seeing all the same things and having a ton of flashbacks. It was painful holding Daniel, staring at him and feeling like I would explode from the pain of never getting that chance with Jacob.

I've had a few bigs cries since then too, but not the gasping-for-breath kind. They were on June 1 (Jacob's first birthday) and August 4th, when we found out our most recent baby (we didn't know it was twins at the time) had died, but I was in the doctor's office and held it back somewhat. I also had one on September 1, 2 days after I miscarried and it all just hit me.

The Sims 3

I used to play The Sims all the time. I've been wanting to do it lately, so I started up the game tonight. I remember that I played it when I was pregnant with Jacob, but I couldn't remember when it was. I went to the family that I had been playing at the time, which consisted of me, Ted and 5 children - all boys. I always made my Sims have as many babies as I could. The date last played was April 26, 2010 when I was almost 4 months pregnant. Of the 5 boys I had, one was named Jacob. It took my breath away when I saw it. I told Ted and he seemed taken aback too.

I don't know why the kids all look so white when they are
mixed. The baby looks a little dark at least. 

I won't be playing that family again. It is another thing that will remain just the way it was when I was still pregnant and happy.

Oh, and when I opened the cd case to get the Sims 3 CD out, the receipt was in there. I bought it on June 18, 2009, exactly one year before Jacob was buried.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

15 months

Today is 15 months since Jacob was born. I still have trouble believing that so much time has passed since that day.

I’ve been sad today. I’ve had tears fill my eyes a few times. I ended up in Quiznos for lunch, a place I went to a few times when I was pregnant. I was so hungry then. I could eat a large veggie sub and still be hungry. I got the same thing today and could barely finish it. My colleague said he had watermelon at lunch. I craved watermelon when I was pregnant with Jacob. Something made me think of Harvey’s and I remembered the time I just had to have fries and gravy so we stopped at the Harvey’s near the condo. It didn’t taste as good as I thought, but it satisfied my craving.

My Mom gave me an umbrella with a butterfly design. It is cute. It was raining today so I was hoping I could use it. But now the sun is out so I probably won’t.

Last week, I was sitting on the GO train on the way home. Someone's watch alarm went off and suddenly I was taken back to my first anatomy scan on May 13, 2010. I had a watch at the time that had the alarm set to go at 1pm. I didn't set it on purpose and I couldn't figure out how to turn it off (or couldn't be bothered to figure it out). It was in my purse on a counter in the room during the ultrasound. It started to go off and the ultrasound tech asked what it was. I said it was my watch and I couldn't figure out how to make it stop going off everyday and we laughed. That was the day I found out he was a boy. I saw him moving, moving so much it was hard for her to get his measurements. It was the day I started picturing what my life would be like with the little boy growing inside me. It was a good, good day. We found out there was something wrong with his foot. I was ok with that, sad that he would likely need surgery, but ok. Relieved beyond measure that everything else looked ok. Glad that they couldn't find a reason for the bleeding I was having.  So happy to see my baby. So happy to tell everyone that he was fine and he was a boy.

The woman who was pregnant at the same time as me last year, and who had her baby last September, came back to work today. I’m avoiding her because I don’t want to hear about her baby. I don't even want to see her, even if she doesn't say a word. I should be on maternity leave right now, getting ready to come back in a month.

My colleague's (and good friend) niece just turned one and there were pictures of her birthday party in the company email newsletter. It made me so sad to look at them. We should be planning Jacob’s first birthday. Soon, we should have a picture of him sitting in front of a birthday cake that says “Happy 1st Birthday Jacob!”.

I miss him. So much.