Thursday, September 1, 2011

15 months

Today is 15 months since Jacob was born. I still have trouble believing that so much time has passed since that day.

I’ve been sad today. I’ve had tears fill my eyes a few times. I ended up in Quiznos for lunch, a place I went to a few times when I was pregnant. I was so hungry then. I could eat a large veggie sub and still be hungry. I got the same thing today and could barely finish it. My colleague said he had watermelon at lunch. I craved watermelon when I was pregnant with Jacob. Something made me think of Harvey’s and I remembered the time I just had to have fries and gravy so we stopped at the Harvey’s near the condo. It didn’t taste as good as I thought, but it satisfied my craving.

My Mom gave me an umbrella with a butterfly design. It is cute. It was raining today so I was hoping I could use it. But now the sun is out so I probably won’t.

Last week, I was sitting on the GO train on the way home. Someone's watch alarm went off and suddenly I was taken back to my first anatomy scan on May 13, 2010. I had a watch at the time that had the alarm set to go at 1pm. I didn't set it on purpose and I couldn't figure out how to turn it off (or couldn't be bothered to figure it out). It was in my purse on a counter in the room during the ultrasound. It started to go off and the ultrasound tech asked what it was. I said it was my watch and I couldn't figure out how to make it stop going off everyday and we laughed. That was the day I found out he was a boy. I saw him moving, moving so much it was hard for her to get his measurements. It was the day I started picturing what my life would be like with the little boy growing inside me. It was a good, good day. We found out there was something wrong with his foot. I was ok with that, sad that he would likely need surgery, but ok. Relieved beyond measure that everything else looked ok. Glad that they couldn't find a reason for the bleeding I was having.  So happy to see my baby. So happy to tell everyone that he was fine and he was a boy.

The woman who was pregnant at the same time as me last year, and who had her baby last September, came back to work today. I’m avoiding her because I don’t want to hear about her baby. I don't even want to see her, even if she doesn't say a word. I should be on maternity leave right now, getting ready to come back in a month.

My colleague's (and good friend) niece just turned one and there were pictures of her birthday party in the company email newsletter. It made me so sad to look at them. We should be planning Jacob’s first birthday. Soon, we should have a picture of him sitting in front of a birthday cake that says “Happy 1st Birthday Jacob!”.

I miss him. So much.


Anonymous said...

I too am feeling the wanting and the missing, the dreaming and the tears.


Elaine said...

I was thinking the same thing the other day, how if Blaine had of been born at the right time I would now be returning to work...actually I'd be back at work since Aug 8th was going to be my last day.
It's funny how we come across things months later that bring us back. I was cleaning out our closet and in one of my purses I found the sour candy I ate when nauseaus with Blaine and the wrist bands I tried out as well to help with the morning sickness. It brought back so much and of course you know me, I had to put them in his box!

crystal theresa said...

Hugs. Big, big hugs. Watermelon was one of my cravings with Calvin. Sometimes, I can't even look at it. It's amazing how triggers can send us back, and how long they stay with us.

I'm sorry about the pregnant lady. I hope you don't have to be around her so much. I remember seeing one of my coworkers pregnant--it happened around the time I lost Calvin, and it was so painful.

If only Jacob were here. If only, if only.

Drew's Parents said...

My goodness...there were so many triggers yesterday. I am so sorry, Dana. I wish Jacob were there with you and that you were planning his first birthday party. The fall will never be as complete as it should have been. Sending you hugs and love and remembering your son on his 15 month <3

Lindsey said...

I'm sorry, hon. It is so hard to deal with all of the reminders. Some make us smile and most make us sad. I have also been having a hard time with these things. My co-teacher's daughter is turning 1 tomorrow, only 9 days before Ella should be turning one. <3

Violet1122 said...

Thinking of you always...

I wish I could give you a big hug.

I hope the last couple of days have been better for you!

car said...

Thinking of you Dana. You have way more than your share of "should have been"'s to deal with.
(My first thought after "yay for Kristen" was "oh Dana")

Emma's Daddy said...

I am sorry to read that everything is hard at the moment. There are so many things which act as triggers and it is doubly hard when people have children of a similar age. I hope that things start to get a bit easier.

sending love.