Today is 15 months since Jacob was born. I still have trouble believing that so much time has passed since that day.
I’ve been sad today. I’ve had tears fill my eyes a few times. I ended up in Quiznos for lunch, a place I went to a few times when I was pregnant. I was so hungry then. I could eat a large veggie sub and still be hungry. I got the same thing today and could barely finish it. My colleague said he had watermelon at lunch. I craved watermelon when I was pregnant with Jacob. Something made me think of Harvey’s and I remembered the time I just had to have fries and gravy so we stopped at the Harvey’s near the condo. It didn’t taste as good as I thought, but it satisfied my craving.
My Mom gave me an umbrella with a butterfly design. It is cute. It was raining today so I was hoping I could use it. But now the sun is out so I probably won’t.
Last week, I was sitting on the GO train on the way home. Someone's watch alarm went off and suddenly I was taken back to my first anatomy scan on May 13, 2010. I had a watch at the time that had the alarm set to go at 1pm. I didn't set it on purpose and I couldn't figure out how to turn it off (or couldn't be bothered to figure it out). It was in my purse on a counter in the room during the ultrasound. It started to go off and the ultrasound tech asked what it was. I said it was my watch and I couldn't figure out how to make it stop going off everyday and we laughed. That was the day I found out he was a boy. I saw him moving, moving so much it was hard for her to get his measurements. It was the day I started picturing what my life would be like with the little boy growing inside me. It was a good, good day. We found out there was something wrong with his foot. I was ok with that, sad that he would likely need surgery, but ok. Relieved beyond measure that everything else looked ok. Glad that they couldn't find a reason for the bleeding I was having. So happy to see my baby. So happy to tell everyone that he was fine and he was a boy.
The woman who was pregnant at the same time as me last year, and who had her baby last September, came back to work today. I’m avoiding her because I don’t want to hear about her baby. I don't even want to see her, even if she doesn't say a word. I should be on maternity leave right now, getting ready to come back in a month.
My colleague's (and good friend) niece just turned one and there were pictures of her birthday party in the company email newsletter. It made me so sad to look at them. We should be planning Jacob’s first birthday. Soon, we should have a picture of him sitting in front of a birthday cake that says “Happy 1st Birthday Jacob!”.
I miss him. So much.