Thursday, September 8, 2011

Crying; The Sims

The crying
As we were coming home on the GO train today, there was a 2 year old crying for most of the ride. It started off as a small cry and grew and grew until he was sobbing and choking as he cried. As I listened to him, I thought of how we change how we cry as we get older. When we are really young, the crying is loud, uninhibited. Loud to get attention and loud because that is the only way you really know how to cry. As we get older, we learn to cry quietly, not to draw so much attention to ourselves.

I wondered how long it has been since I cried like that. At first I thought that it must have been several years, but then I realized that it hasn't been that long at all. I've done it several times since May 31, 2010. I told Ted this and it made him feel really sad.

I think the last time I had a huge, huge cry was May 3rd (the day my nephew was born in the same hospital Jacob was). I got home that night and fell apart. Huge, heaving sobs that I could barely breathe between, crying loud and not trying to be quiet at all (I was home alone). I feel badly that I cried so much the day my adorable little nephew was born. I was so relieved that he was alive and healthy and that Laurie was fine. I had been worried about them for months.  But it was so painful being in that hospital, walking the same floors, seeing all the same things and having a ton of flashbacks. It was painful holding Daniel, staring at him and feeling like I would explode from the pain of never getting that chance with Jacob.

I've had a few bigs cries since then too, but not the gasping-for-breath kind. They were on June 1 (Jacob's first birthday) and August 4th, when we found out our most recent baby (we didn't know it was twins at the time) had died, but I was in the doctor's office and held it back somewhat. I also had one on September 1, 2 days after I miscarried and it all just hit me.

The Sims 3

I used to play The Sims all the time. I've been wanting to do it lately, so I started up the game tonight. I remember that I played it when I was pregnant with Jacob, but I couldn't remember when it was. I went to the family that I had been playing at the time, which consisted of me, Ted and 5 children - all boys. I always made my Sims have as many babies as I could. The date last played was April 26, 2010 when I was almost 4 months pregnant. Of the 5 boys I had, one was named Jacob. It took my breath away when I saw it. I told Ted and he seemed taken aback too.

I don't know why the kids all look so white when they are
mixed. The baby looks a little dark at least. 

I won't be playing that family again. It is another thing that will remain just the way it was when I was still pregnant and happy.

Oh, and when I opened the cd case to get the Sims 3 CD out, the receipt was in there. I bought it on June 18, 2009, exactly one year before Jacob was buried.


LauraJane said...

I love The Sims, used to play it instead of studying in university. lol.

Sim-Laura used to burn the house down, but she also had babies, so there's the trade off.

and you're so right about the cries. I'd forgotten I could make those noises when I cry!

Kristie said...

I can totally relate to the crying. I found I did a lot of that all out blubbering sobbing type when I was alone and it felt normal to me.

And I can even more relate to The SIms. I haven't played in a very long time, but I kinda laugh at myself for getting jealous when my Sim would get pregnant. I'm even the one who would do all the things to get her pregnant and still find myself being jealous. It's like even a stupid fake computer person can get pregnant and stay pregnant when I cant. Stupid Sim. I always tried to get my Sim to have the most babies she could.

Thinking of you. Hope you are coping and finding some peace.

Drew's Parents said...

I remember those heavy cries. It makes sense that something as tragic as baby loss brings forth the uninhibited and uncontrollable crying. We have lost everything. We don't know that it will get better, that the pain will stop, that we will get what we most desperately want. As hard as those heavy cries are, I do find them cathartic in some way...I suppose to be able to connect with the primal feelings of absolute sorrow.
Your Sims game from last year made me so sad. I would keep the old game a memory of all of the happiness that you guys had. I have faith that one day you and Ted will be experiencing happiness again. My heart is with you always! <3 <3 <3