At the garden

Ted and I stopped by the garden yesterday. As soon as we walked in, Ted noticed a bird sitting on top of the trellis . It looked like the bird was watching over the garden and Jacob. It stayed there the whole time we were there. Because I like signs from my baby, I hoped this was one. I haven't seen a bird stay so still like that for so long.

I went with Laurie, Ben and Daniel to the Farmer's Market near our houses yesterday morning. Laurie had Ben in a stroller and Daniel in a sling. I didn't push the stroller for awhile, I was waiting to figure out if I would be OK with doing it. I soon decided I was and pushed Ben. Once in the mall parking lot where the market is, I reached for the baby (which is a huge accomplishment for me and is happening more and more lately) and held him for a bit while Laurie pushed the stroller. Suddenly the "what should have beens" flooded me and overwhelmed me. I told her she had to hold the baby and why and I pushed Ben again while crying (and trying not too). I had all these plans of how Laurie and I would have been spending time together a lot with our babies. We would both have been on maternity leave right now. It would have worked out so well.

I also realized something else. I haven't seen many monarch butterflies this summer, just one here and there. Yesterday I saw a lot of them (they kept flying in front of our car as we drove around). On July 1, 2010, Jacob's one month anniversary, we were sitting at the garden. I was crying a lot and asked Jacob to send me a butterfly to let me know he is OK. Within a minute a monarch appeared and landed 3 times on the tree he is buried under and then flew towards Ted and I. I have always considered that a sign, but do even more now, since realizing how few monarch's I've seen over the summer until now. Maybe they aren't around much until this time of year. Whatever it is, it makes that sign even more special and makes me feel even more sure of it.