Sunday, August 26, 2012

Jacob's little sister

Jacob's little sister is here. She is alive and healthy, born on August 15th at 11:31pm.

What an amazing sight. Bringing our baby
home from the hospital. 
I can never put into words how grateful I am for her. She has brought us so much happiness, happiness that we weren't sure we would ever feel again. I never get tired of looking at her, of getting up in the middle of the night with her, of taking care of her.

She has also shown us just what we have missed with Jacob and the babies I miscarried. About 12 hours after she was born, I looked at her as Ted was holding her and suddenly saw him. Even though he was born at 21 weeks, I could see similarities and now I have an even better idea of what he would have looked like.

We have been home since August 17th. I have been very emotional since she was born. I can sgo from being fine to sobbing in about 2 seconds.  I know that a lot of that is hormones and it was particularly bad around the third day after she was born, when my milk came in. I just cried and cried for Jacob and ached for him so badly. A lot of people have said that he played a big role in bringing Emily to us and I love that thought. I love that in my last belly pictures taken the day before she was born at 39 weeks, there were orbs in several of them and there haven't been in any other belly pictures taken throughout the pregnancy.

Delivering Emily was beautiful but scary. Her heart rate started to drop in the last 20-30 minutes before she was born and I could sense the worry in the room, especially once I was given oxygen because the baby needed it. I had good medical care, but I like to think that I had more than that too. That Jacob was in the room, which was just a few rooms down from the one that he was born in.

It has come out over the past few months that mother's always have the fetal cells of all of the babies that they have carried, so I would have passed some of those to Emily when I was pregnant. So she truly has a bit of Jacob in her too and I will always have all of my babies with me. That is comforting.

I want her to grow up knowing that she has a much loved and missed older brother, but not to live in his shadow. I would love it if she tells people that she has a brother that died when she is asked if she has any siblings, but I don't want to tell her to do that.

I want him to know that he has not, and never will be, replaced. That we love him and miss him just as much as we always have and that that will never change.


Shan said...

This is beautiful. She is beautiful.

Most of my losses came before my son. I had a dream after we were home that all these little souls of his brothers and/or sisters who did not quite come before him swirled above him, offering protection. That was just over 19 years ago and I still remember how the thought soothed me. Much like the fetal cells is soothing in a way.

Michele said...

She is beautiful. Congratulations :)

Big hugs...

Amy L. said...

Oh, Dana, she is so precious! Look at all that dark hair! Reading about the or s in your pictures brought tears to my eyes. I read about the fetal cells sticking around, too, and it comforts me to know that my twins are physically still with me, just a tiny bit, but I'd never considered that they would be with my future babies' little bodies, too. Wow...

Jen said...

She is beautiful. Congrats!

LauraJane said...

Congratulations Dana! I love your thoughts of him being nearby and protecting her. :) She's a special little lady for sure!

Jen said...

beautiful post dana. you are an amazing mother to all of your babies.