Saturday, July 14, 2012

I still look for him

It had been 25.5 months since Jacob was born. I do well most of the time. I think about him everyday, many times, and I never pass up an opportunity to talk about him, but I don't cry nearly as often as I used to. I go in the room that will be Emily's and still think that it would have been Jacob's first. We would probably be moving him to another room around now, since his room is the closest to ours and we would want the new baby there. Or maybe we would wait until she is a few months old.

We planned to have two kids and this is a very close age difference to what we had talked about. We could, we should, have Jacob and Emily physically in this house. Not one spiritually and one physically. I will always wish that they were both here and I could take care of them both the same way. I just want all of my babies in my arms.

I was up early this morning and watched Army Wives on Netflix. Two of the characters lose an 18 year old child and watching them deal with the grief had me on the couch sobbing. I had so many of the same reactions and it brought me back to the first year without him....acting normal but faking it. Going to the garden where he is buried and feeling like my heart was being ripped out all over again because my baby is buried there and I had to leave him, feeling like I failed him even though I know I didn't cause and couldn't have stopped what happened.

 I didn't get to see Jacob grow up. How I wish I did. Beyond the time we had with him, everything is in my imagination.....his personality, his face, the feel of his hugs. I miss the time we had with him and the time we didn't have. I still look for him. I look for him in my dreams, in the house, at the playground, at the grocery store.....everywhere. I look at other little boys and wonder how he would have been like them and how he would have been different. I know I do this, but I'm not always conscious of doing it. I know I will look for him in his sister, but I never want her to fell overshadowed by her big brother. I will be watching for some kind of connection between them. I miss him. I wish I knew more about him. What I would have given for more time with him.......


Karolinas Mommy said...

I love how you wrote this. Obviously, not one of the usual happy entries that you write lately...but this reflection makes me heart hurt because I know that no matter how much time passes and who you welcome into your family, the pain of losing Jacob and not having him here will always hurt you.

I hope by welcoming little Emily into your life it helps to take some of this pain away. She will be a great connection from you and Ted to Jacob, among a lot of other things:)


Jen said...

Whenever I see a baby, I think about what age they might be - are they 9 months old like Angel should be - and I can't help but stare. I look for her too, very often, and I am so curious about what Angel would have looked like as she grew.
Hugs Dana.

The Wellman's said...

Sending my love. I am so sorry :( The thoughts never leave, it's hard for many to understand. Sending lots of hugs.

LauraJane said...

I struggle with so many of the same thoughts. I'm so unbelievably thankful for my sweet Grace being here.... But the "greedy" part of my heart can't stand that Jack isn't here... Because they both could/should be here.

It also makes me incredibly jealous when I see mommas with little boys roughly 18-19 months old who are pregnant. Because I still can't believe they get to live that version of life that I don't... Because it would be so wonderful to have it all... And I'm ranting...

Can't wait for your little Emily to arrive. :)