Monday, June 18, 2012

Buried 2 years ago today

I was at work today and suddenly it hit me that today is the 18th. Two years ago today we had Jacob's memorial service and buried his ashes. I went back and read the post I wrote the day after the service and it brought me back to that dark place where I couldn't imagine ever being happy again. I just finished reading the post I wrote on June 18th last year. I'm so glad I did all that writing. It helped me so much at the time and it is good now to go back and read, to see how far I've come and even to relive the pain of those days.

I am still sad that he isn't in our arms, I still think of him everyday and say his name out loud most days, even if just to myself. But I am also happier than I have been in a long time.

I went to a park yesterday with my parents, sisters and nephew Danny. I was sitting on a lawn chair with a box of donuts on my lap. My sister Lindsay said that there was a butterfly on me. I looked down and it was sitting on the box of donuts. She asked someone to take a picture and just as Laurie was ready to take it, I moved my arm slightly and it flew away and I was so upset with myself for moving. Before the butterfly flew away, I thanked Jacob for sending it. It's the first time that a butterfly has ever done that. It was dark brown and I wondered if it was really a moth, but I looked it up and it had all the characteristics of a butterfly. Whatever it was, I loved it and I loved that my sisters recognized the significance of it to me. 

I found out last week that a baby was stillborn at the hospital where Jacob was born. That baby and family have been on my mind so much since I found out. I was even close to L&D that morning and now I think of how they were going through so much and I was steps away and had no idea. My contact information was given to the family. I hope that they call. I hope I can help in some small way.

I went to see a choir since last week and they sang a song I've heard many times, but this time it meant something entirely different to me. I still see him everywhere.

I'll Be Seeing You

I'll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day through

In that small cafe,
The park across the way
The children's carousel,
The chestnut trees, the wishing well

I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summer's day
In everything that's light and gay
I'll always think of you that way

I'll find you in the mornin' sun
And when the night is new
I'll be looking at the moon
But I'll be seeing you.


Elaine said...

Love that song. Two years. I still can't believe our boys have been gone that long and how much has changed.

The Wellman's said...

I love that song! Sending thoughts, anniversaries are never easy but I am glad you have another reason to smile again too

Karolinas Mommy said...

That song brought tears to my eyes.
To be able to sit back and see you smile after losing Jacob is something I only dream about. But, you've shown me that there is sunshine after the rain.

I hope Jacob keeps sending you those little reminders that he is here with you as you bring Emily into this world:) I'm sure he is as excited as you guys are!

Tesha said...

Great song, saying a prayer for you as you pass this difficult milestone.

Jen said...

I love that the butterfly landed on you. That is so special!
That song also brought tears to my eyes...beautiful.

LauraJane said...

Beautiful song, and such powerful words now that you've made me hear the words in the context of baby loss.

I can't imagine two years. I still can't believe 18 months either. Thinking of you momma.

Drew's Parents said...

Beautiful song...Powerful and haunting. I love that a butterfly landed on you. It must be a visit, it must. These last two years have been such a long journey for you and Ted. There has been so much heartache and sadness. I am so grateful that Emily has come into your life. You are just 8 1/2 weeks away from meeting your beautiful little girl. Such a bright rainbow. You and Jacob have been on my mind and in my heart. Sending you hugs, love, and hope!

Hannah Rose said...

I'm glad I did a lot of writing through my grief journey as see how far I've come and just to have that moment in time captured. I will never be able to relive it or experience it again in all it's rawness.

I wrote a post back in March, on the 2 year anniversary since Lily's burial called "Days Nobody Remembers." You can read it here:

That's really sweet about the butterfly and I love that song. So many reminders of my girl are throughout every day.

Much love and hugs,
Hannah Rose