Thursday, April 5, 2012

Flashbacks

We had a good day today. A really good day. I've written more about it on my other blog.

I am 20 weeks and 3 days pregnant with my rainbow baby. That makes tonight the eve of the day we found out that Jacob had died. It hit me full force when I was standing in the garden tonight before going to church. I was telling Jacob that this baby will never replace him, that we love them equally. I stared at the spot where he is buried and I suddenly had a flashback to being at Dr. A's office and her not being able to find his heartbeat and the sinking feeling I had the longer she tried, then the feeling when she stopped. It was terrible.

I got home, told Ted what happened there and his face fell and I knew he was feeling the same pain.

I got in the shower and had a flashback to him being born and Dr. A passing him to me. For a few minutes, the pain was as bad as it was that day.

As I was writing this, I started talking to Ted about it again and the tears came, streaming down my face and if I had let it happen, I would have been sobbing. We ended up standing in the living room hugging for a few minutes.

As painful as it was reliving those times and feeling the pain again, I was glad to. I'm glad I still feel it so deeply. 

I wonder.....how have we survived losing him?

Jacob

6 comments:

Karolinas Mommy said...

I honestly don't know how anyone survives it. But you have, you still are surviving it each day. Some days much easier than others.

Boh will never be able to replace Jacob. But, she will be a good addition to your family. You will teach her all she needs to know of Jacob, and that is what is meant to happen. That is how things play out for us Mommy's who have lost.

I'm glad you think of him during this journey often, because to me it's like he is right there with you guiding you, supporting you. He is your light forever and for always.

The Wellman's said...

I couldn't help but cry reading this. You both are extremely strong. There is no other pain than losing a child, Boh will be amazingly strong taking after mom and dad and especially having an amazing guardian angel as her brother and her other siblings! Sending so many hugs. I had anniversaries I hope it flies by for you!

Mama Jen said...

I ask myself that question about surviving alot...how is life still going on? I guess we just take one step in front of the other. That's all we can do.

Lara + Chris said...

I wonder about survival also. I think we all do. But we do. First instinctually (breathing...heart beating...we can't help but survive, even if we don't want to). Then slowly it becomes more deliberate and we make choices that show that we are alive...and soon we realizing we're more surviving than not.

But it takes a long time.

And it's hard.

((hugs))

Drew's Parents said...

I echo everyone's thoughts about surviving. After loss, the future seems unclear and even impossible. Yet here we are nearly two years later. Jacob will always be your first born and will hold a special place in your family. Little Boh will know about her big brother and will hopefully feel extra special knowing she has an angel watching over her. xoxo

Rhiannon said...

I couldn't agree more. Surviving. We are survivors although there were times when I did not think it possible. I agree that sweet Boh will feel extra special knowing that her big brother is watching over ever minute. What a beautiful thought <3