Sunday, January 1, 2012

19 months

Well, it has now been 19 months since we held Jacob in our arms. It's still hard to understand/believe that it has been so long, but the pain isn't as overwhelming and consuming. He is still missing from our everyday lives and family get togethers, but I know that my family remembers him too and that means a lot.

Last night was New Year's Eve. It wasn't nearly as hard as it was last year, when we were leaving the year that Jacob was conceived and born, his year. But we are getting closer and closer to his second birthday and that is scary.

I re-read my post from January 1, 2010. I knew that New Year's Eve 2010 was really painful, but I forgot just how bad it was and how much I cried. That I carried his bear around and cried over and over again. It was only 7 months since Jacob was born too, so that made it a lot harder. I'm so glad that I started this blog and can look back and see how far I have come.

I got an email from a Grandmother of twin boys that were born in November 2011. She said that she found my blog on Christmas day and that it helped her. And her telling me that helped me. It's so touching that she misses her grandbabies so much. Hard for her, I know, but at least her daughter knows that someone else realizes just how big of a loss they are and how important they are.

I also received a really nice gift from Jennifer, Kai's Mom. Last year, she sent me an ornament for the babies I lost in 2010 - Jacob, August and Cub. This year she sent this year is a similar ornament for Madeline and Emma, the babies I lost in 2011.

She sent the rose for Mother's Day 2011, as a symbol of hope.
The back of Madeline and Emma's ornament has "Loved and Missed Forever
08/30/11" written on each heart. Thank you Jennifer. These items will
always have a special place in my house. 

Elaine also sent me an ornaments for my babies. The creativity of these women is inspiring and their caring touches me more than I can say.

Jacob - we love and miss you always. The passing of time takes you farther away from when we were last able to touch you, but it also brings us closer to you. And there are times when I feel you near. Like when I had to light the candle last night several times before it finally stayed lit. I still talk to you, although not as much as I used to. But you are always on my mind, your ultrasound picture is still up on my desk and you are a constant presence in our lives. You would be 14.5 months old. Imagine that.


Elaine said...

I can't imagine how different our lives would be if our boys were with us. It's not something I can wrap my head around.

Happy New Year to you and Ted. I'm glad you liked the ornaments...I wish I were as creative as you think I am!

Mama Jen said...

reading your blog gives me hope that i will be able to cope a bit better in the future. right now i feel so much hurt.

i love that your blog is helping this grandmother that contacted you. that means so much. i know it is helping me tremendously also.

i wish we had met under different circumstances but i am so glad we did. happy new year to you and ted!

Jennifer said...

I'm glad that the ornament for Madeline and Emma got to you safely. Thank you for your friendship. I know we met under difficult circumstances but your courage and quiet strength have been an inspiration to me. Thank you again for sharing this space with us, your fellow bereaved mothers.

May you and Ted have a prosperous and blessed 2012!

The Wellman's said...

I was thinking of you on the first (couldn't get online due to not moving thanks to the flu) but I thought of all of you all day. Sending hugs!

Drew's Parents said...

Sweet Jacob <3 How different everything would be if you had your 14 month old little boy in your arms. Your blog has helped so many people over the past 19 months...ways I bet only Jacob and his siblings in Heaven fully know. <3
I am glad that he feels near. I bet he is all smiles for his mommy and daddy right now. Such a beautiful angel! xoxo

Hannah Rose said...

I found your blog on faces of loss, faces of hope. I am so sorry for your loss. I just love the name Jacob! I too lost my baby, Lily Katherine, who was stillborn at fullterm on March 16, 2010. It's good to find people who 'get it' in the blogging community. I'd love to have you follow along on my blog as well;

Rhiannon said...

It is amazing to think of how different our lives would be had we not lost our babies. You have helped so many people through your blog and IRL, I am honored to know you even though I wish our meeting was under much different circumstances. <3