Saturday, November 5, 2011

Memories Above the Clouds - By Ted

Ted went to Ottawa overnight last week. When we spoke on the phone, he said that he had thought about Jacob a lot on the flight there, but wanted to write down his thoughts rather than tell me. 

Here is what he wrote today. I was in tears reading it. 


As I flew from Toronto to Ottawa for a conference, I could not seem to relax as the plane increased it’s altitude to break through the clouds. As the plane raised above the clouds, my first thought was “Jacob are you here? Are you keeping me company or playing among the other children of heaven? Are you calling me? As my eyes searched the clouds for his image, his reflection or some indication that he was or is here, my heart  and emotions braced for yet another disappointment.

Then it hit me…………………Ahhhhhhh…. That comforting feeling that I am once again close to him physically. The same feeling as the day he came into our lives and then was taken away. I then relaxed, eased back into my seat and whispered his name several times. This made me feel better and closer to him, as if he was waiting for me to call him forth. 

With my eyes peering across the bright clouded horizon, I spoke comforting words to him, telling him how much I love him and miss him. This was a very special moment for me. I felt him acknowledging my words and sending his love back. In my heart I’m sure he’s telling us how much he loves us and wishes he could have stayed (my little boy is saying “tell mommy I’m sorry and not to cry”). 

As the plane started it’s descent to Ottawa, I knew we didn’t have much time until the distance will separate us once again. Descending through the clouds, I searched for his image, a clouded silhouette of him, but nothing formed as I returned to the reality of living without my Jacob.

Now, reflecting back to the time I had with Jacob above the clouds, those are moments I can cherish. Moments of being physically close to my baby once again.

12 comments:

Priscilla said...

That brought me to tears. Thank you for sharing Ted's experience with your sweet Jacob. Your sweet boy and his siblings sure are loved!

LauraJane said...

This is beautiful. :)

fireworksandrainbows said...

Amazing.

Jane said...

wow- what a beautiful post!

Alissa said...

This is a beautiful post, Dana. Please let Ted know how amazing it is. I loved reading about a tender moment it was for a dad to be thinking about his child and the connection they share. Thank you for posting.... ((hugs))

Angela said...

Beautiful. Thank Ted for sharing this. I love the male perspective on loss and grief, it's so hard to access most of the time.

Violet1122 said...

This just touched me so much. Thank you Ted for sharing this with all of us. I've never had a moment in the clouds... but I have had a few moments where I felt the presence of my babies so clearly. I wish I could have more of these moments.

Ted wrote this so beautifully... it really should be published somewhere.

Becky said...

So beautiful.

Drew's Parents said...

Oh my goodness. Ted's words are so beautiful. I love the idea of Ted visiting Jacob in the clouds. Thank you for sharing his experience and his writing. My heart is with all of the baby loss daddies who too often long for their babies in stoic silence. Love to you both!

Jennifer said...

Thank you for sharing Ted's innermost thoughts with us. We are honored to read about his perspective and love for Jacob. As Allison said, baby loss daddies grieve in silence but when they say their thoughts out loud we discover how much they miss their lost children. Thank you Ted. Love and light to both you and Dana. <3

The Wellman's said...

I couldn't help but cry. It's not often you hear a dad's words. Sending so many hugs and thoughts to you two.

Linda Anderson said...

Oh Ted u have so touched my heart.I am in tears as i type this.U write so beautifuly.And from the heart.Thank u for sharing your amazing time with your beloved Jacob.Im sorry to that he coudnt stay.I pray for peace in your loving heart.Im am sorry Ted for the loss of your Jacob.We seem to always remember the mama's.But we forget that daddy is hurting to.Im sending u many loving hugs and all my love too.Dana i have missed u so dearly.And i love u so.U will always be in my heart.For u,Ted,Jacob and your other sweet angels have a very special place in my heart.Right by my angels.U are a living angel Dana.God bless u both with a rainbow baby that comes home in your loving arms soon.HUGS MOM AND DAD