Tuesday, November 1, 2011

17 Months

Another anniversary, which has fallen on a Tuesday, the day of the week that Jacob was born.

I had a very nice dinner with a new friend tonight. Three hours went by so quickly. I feel like I have known her for a long time, but I don't think that it has even been a month. I was so glad to meet with her tonight, since today is a significant day and I knew I would just come home and listen to baby loss music, which isn't always a good idea. I did hear "If I Die Young" on the radio on the way to dinner tonight, which was nice. I'm always scanning the stations just hoping for that song.

Today is doubly sad. Jacob's anniversary and thinking of what was happening this time last year. I was pregnant with Cub. I thought Cub was probably OK. I was worried, but hopeful. We only had one good week left together before the bad news was delivered.

And today I would have been 20 weeks and 5 days pregnant with the twins, just as I was with Jacob the day he was born (I'm not keeping track of where I should be that closely, but the pregnancy app on my ipod told me that today is that day).

I did a video reading 2 blog posts as part of Angie's Still Life With Circles spoken word blog hop, but I can't get the video to load, so I'll have to work on that another day.

Ted had to have dinner tonight with a group of coworkers, which normally isn't bad. But one of them is about 7-8 months pregnant and he said there was a lot of belly rubbing and baby talk going on and it was really hard. I feel so badly for him. He has to work with this woman all day tomorrow too. I hate to think of what he is going through. He told me that on the way to the conference he is at, he thought a lot about Jacob on the plane, but he wants to write about it on his own blog before he tells me about it, as he just needs to write it down and work through it.

I have to go to bed. I'll be curling up with Jacob's blanket tonight, wishing for the impossible.

8 comments:

Drew's Parents said...

I am glad that you were able to go out with your friend last night. Yesterday had so many significant associations. <3 Precious Jacob <3 Jacob, August, Cub, Emma, and Madeline would have brought you and Ted so much happiness. It breaks my heart that things have turned out as they have. I believe they are looking over you and Ted...And that they know how loved and wanted they all were.
I hope that Ted is able to share with you his thoughts and feelings. I hate to think of him bottling up so much pain. My heart is with you guys, and I am hoping and praying that one day soon you will be holding your rainbow. Love you!

Julie said...

yesterday was an anniversary for kenny, of course, since jacob and kenny always share anniversaries! i was thinking of you and ted and jacob. i'm sorry i didn't make a point of telling you so. i'm looking forward to seeing your video and hearing your voice.

Violet1122 said...

I'm glad you were able to spend time with your friend, and that it helped the day not be too horrible.

I feel so badly for your DH too. I think fathers are so overlooked when a baby passes. They are just expected to be the strong ones, the ones who bounce back quickly...

And I think it's really unfair to put these kinds of expectations on them.

Remembering you, Ted, and all your sweet babies... and especially today Jacob.

((Hugs))

Priscilla said...

I'm so glad you had a nice dinner with a new friend! That most definitely helps ease the pain just a little. I'm sorry that yesterday was a double hitter with both Jacob's anniversary AND marking where you were with Cub at this point last year -- not to mention where you should be with the twins at this point. :( Also, I hate to hear that Ted is having to endure that. It's so incredibly painful to be around there! Lots of love to you, my friend...

Jennifer said...

Glad you are able to find such a wonderful new friendship. Remembering Jacob with you. I'm sure he is taking good care of his younger siblings as any big brother would. I hope Ted is feeling better. It's tough for our husbands when they encounter colleagues and friends who talk about their living children, it's like being the odd man out as Dave told me one time. Hug him extra hard, dear mama. <3

Elaine said...

It's always like that meeting a "sister" isn't it? There's a kinship there that's like none other. I absolutely love it.
I am so sorry for Ted. I know this must be hard for him. I'm glad he's blogging! Does he mind if you share the name of his blog? I'd love to follow him.

Mama Jen said...

Dana thanks for being such a great new friend to me...I truly appreciate your support and kindness when I know you are going through your own grief process. Hugs to you.

cullensblessings said...

So sorry.. for both you and for Ted. xo..