Song for a Winter's Night

Ted and I heard this song while driving today. And we felt so sad. We feel so sad. 


We miss them so much. I'm looking at pictures of Jacob and the belly I had with him as I listen to this. Sometimes I don't know how I have survived losing him and then losing his siblings. 

The lamp is burnin' low upon my table top
The snow is softly falling
The air is still in the silence of my room
I hear your voice softly calling

If I could only have you near
To breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
On this winter night with you

The smoke is rising in the shadows overhead
My glass is almost empty
I read again between the lines upon each page
The words of love you sent me

If I could know within my heart
That you were lonely too
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
On this winter night with you

The fire is dying now, my lamp is growing dim
The shades of night are lifting
The morning light steals across my window pane
Where webs of snow are drifting

If I could only have you near
To breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
On this winter night with you
And to be once again with you

Christmas Ornaments

I've been meaning to get this blog post and these pictures up for awhile.

I have been lucky enough to go to 2 Face2Face meetings in the past 2 weeks.

The first was the Toronto West meeting at Jackie's shop on November 11th. I had been talking to Jennifer over Facebook for a week or so and got to meet her in person for the first time, which was really nice. I also got to meet Lisa for the first time. I always feel an instant connection with other babyloss Mom's. I realized yesterday that I've known Jackie for a year now. We first chatted on Facebook around this time last year when I was at my Mom's house after she broke her ankle and before I miscarried Cub. Jackie has made such a difference in my life and I feel so privileged to know her.

We made some Christmas ornaments that night. The only thing I like about Christmas this year is making ornaments for my babies. Christmas isn't as painful as it was last year, but it still hurts and I'd be happy to just go away over the holidays and come back when they are done. Anyway, here are some pictures of the ornaments made at that meeting:

Jackie helped with some of these. She is so artistic and creative. I didn't trust myself to use the wood-burning tool to inscribe Cub's name on the tree without messing it up, so Jackie did it. She also pretty much did the ornament for August, I just chose the shell and the ribbon. 

On November 19th, we went to Akemi's shop to make more ornaments. I met Jennifer on the GO train and we went together. We spent 4 hours there, making ornaments the whole time and talking. I met Valerie for the first time and got to learn about her little girl Sophie. I've known Akemi since the summer, but never got much of a chance to have a good talk with her so it was nice doing that. 

These were harder to make than I thought. Akemi had so many materials to work with, it was hard to decide on what to use. I'm pretty happy with how these turned out. I have some ribbon to attach when I actually put them on a tree, I just haven't attached it yet.

I also went to a memorial service for lost babies on Tuesday night. Jackie told me about it. It was a very nice ceremony and the woman who organized it was very welcoming (she lost a baby girl 25 years ago). It was at a Catholic church and was a mass. I haven't been to a Catholic Mass since I was 10, when I went to a Catholic school because I was in French Immersion and they only had it at Catholic schools. So on Tuesday I was worried that I would do something wrong, that I wouldn't follow the correct protocol. I think I did OK, although looking back I can see a few times when I didn't do something right. I hope it wasn't claringly obvious to anyone.

For all of the people who were there for the first time, there was a candle at the front for each baby that you would go and light. Because Ted didn't want to come (he doesn't like these ceremonies as he just feels so sad at them), I went up by myself. I had to ask Jackie which one the Paschal candle is, as that is what we were supposed to light our taper candle from to light the babies candles. I was glad that there was one family before me so I could see exactly what they did and copy it. The priest read each of my babies names and I lit each candle after he did.

The candle I used to light the other candles

There was a communion and I didn't know what to do about that. When I was in elementary school, we went to church every Friday and the non-Catholic kids didn't go up for communion. At one point, the priest invited everyone to the altar and I thought that was when the communion was going to take place so I didn't go up (3 other people didn't go up either). It turns out they just went up and he said a few works and people shook each others hands. Then they all sat down and the priest came down and said that he was going to start communion and if you didn't want communion, cross your hands over your chest and he would give you a blessing. Well, I felt like a bit of a jerk for going up for a blessing when I didn't go up to the altar before, but I figure I need all the help I can get so I went up anyway.

After the ceremony, new families went up the front to pick up some items that were made for their babies.

2011 Holiday Gift Exchange

Carrie and I are organizing a gift exchange again this year. It is open to Mom's, Dad's and siblings of lost babies. 

The upcoming holiday season is supposed to be ‘the most wonderful time of the year.’ But we all know, it’s these ‘special’ times that can really hurt the most. For many of us, the holidays are an incredibly bittersweet time, and a painful reminder of the little one(s) who should be there to celebrate them with us.

We hope this gift exchange will help brighten up the holidays for those of us missing our babies. Participants in the exchange will be matched with another Mom, Dad or sibling and can buy or hand-make their partner something in honor of their baby–an ornament, a special candle, anything! Participating is not only a great way to honor and include your child(ren) this holiday season, but a chance to connect with someone you may not have ‘met’ before.

Here are the details of the exchange:

1.)  Click here to sign-up, or fill out the form at the bottom of this post.

2.) Sign-up is open until November 25, 2011.

3.) You don’t have to celebrate Christmas or any other holiday to participate.

4.) To help with gift ideas, we ask you to tell us what reminds you of your baby(ies).

5.) We are asking that you don’t spend more than $20.00 so that no one feels obligated
to spend a lot of money.

6.) We will email you your partners’ information by November 28 2011.

7.) Please have your gift mailed by December 10, 2011.

8.) If for some reason your cannot fulfill your obligation, please let me or Carrie know right away, so we can make sure your partner receives a gift.

9.) Your address will only be shared with the Gift Exchange Coordinators and the person you will be matched with.

If you have any questions, leave a comment here or email me or Carrie. 

Memories Above the Clouds - By Ted

Ted went to Ottawa overnight last week. When we spoke on the phone, he said that he had thought about Jacob a lot on the flight there, but wanted to write down his thoughts rather than tell me. 

Here is what he wrote today. I was in tears reading it. 

As I flew from Toronto to Ottawa for a conference, I could not seem to relax as the plane increased it’s altitude to break through the clouds. As the plane raised above the clouds, my first thought was “Jacob are you here? Are you keeping me company or playing among the other children of heaven? Are you calling me? As my eyes searched the clouds for his image, his reflection or some indication that he was or is here, my heart  and emotions braced for yet another disappointment.

Then it hit me…………………Ahhhhhhh…. That comforting feeling that I am once again close to him physically. The same feeling as the day he came into our lives and then was taken away. I then relaxed, eased back into my seat and whispered his name several times. This made me feel better and closer to him, as if he was waiting for me to call him forth. 

With my eyes peering across the bright clouded horizon, I spoke comforting words to him, telling him how much I love him and miss him. This was a very special moment for me. I felt him acknowledging my words and sending his love back. In my heart I’m sure he’s telling us how much he loves us and wishes he could have stayed (my little boy is saying “tell mommy I’m sorry and not to cry”). 

As the plane started it’s descent to Ottawa, I knew we didn’t have much time until the distance will separate us once again. Descending through the clouds, I searched for his image, a clouded silhouette of him, but nothing formed as I returned to the reality of living without my Jacob.

Now, reflecting back to the time I had with Jacob above the clouds, those are moments I can cherish. Moments of being physically close to my baby once again.

Spoken Word Blog Hop

Here is my post for Angie at Still Life with Circles Spoken Word blog hop. I finally figured out a way to make it load. 

17 Months

Another anniversary, which has fallen on a Tuesday, the day of the week that Jacob was born.

I had a very nice dinner with a new friend tonight. Three hours went by so quickly. I feel like I have known her for a long time, but I don't think that it has even been a month. I was so glad to meet with her tonight, since today is a significant day and I knew I would just come home and listen to baby loss music, which isn't always a good idea. I did hear "If I Die Young" on the radio on the way to dinner tonight, which was nice. I'm always scanning the stations just hoping for that song.

Today is doubly sad. Jacob's anniversary and thinking of what was happening this time last year. I was pregnant with Cub. I thought Cub was probably OK. I was worried, but hopeful. We only had one good week left together before the bad news was delivered.

And today I would have been 20 weeks and 5 days pregnant with the twins, just as I was with Jacob the day he was born (I'm not keeping track of where I should be that closely, but the pregnancy app on my ipod told me that today is that day).

I did a video reading 2 blog posts as part of Angie's Still Life With Circles spoken word blog hop, but I can't get the video to load, so I'll have to work on that another day.

Ted had to have dinner tonight with a group of coworkers, which normally isn't bad. But one of them is about 7-8 months pregnant and he said there was a lot of belly rubbing and baby talk going on and it was really hard. I feel so badly for him. He has to work with this woman all day tomorrow too. I hate to think of what he is going through. He told me that on the way to the conference he is at, he thought a lot about Jacob on the plane, but he wants to write about it on his own blog before he tells me about it, as he just needs to write it down and work through it.

I have to go to bed. I'll be curling up with Jacob's blanket tonight, wishing for the impossible.