Sunday, November 28, 2010

I miss you

Dear Jacob,

I miss you. I want you back. Your Dad and I have had a very hard 3 weeks, since we found out that your little brother or sister didn't make it. This baby seemed touched by you, since we found out that I was pregnant on your due date. I felt like the two of you were connected. I hope you are together now.

I started miscarrying on Friday night and finished the big stuff on Saturday night. Parts of it gave me flashbacks to being induced to deliver you. The worst time, emotionally, was last night. I just started crying when your Grandma kept talking about Laurie being pregnant. She says that to me all the time. I know that my sister is pregnant and I am so happy for her, and scared for her and I hope and pray that her baby lives. I don't want her to be a babyloss Mom like I am. I want Ben to have a sibling on earth, not in Heaven. Having a cousin in heaven is enough, don't you think? Anyway, I had to ask your Grandma to stop telling me that because it hurts. She only slipped up twice today.

I kept crying last night. Both while I was still talking to your Grandma and when I got off the phone. I went to bed, thinking I would fall asleep fast since I only slept an hour, if that, the night before. But I lay there and cried for you. I held your ultrasound picture that is always on my bedside table and stared at your beautiful face and talked to you. Did you hear me? Did you hear me tell you how much I love you and miss you and want you? Could you see how broken I was, lying there and just wanting you?

I did fall asleep after awhile. I clutched your blanket so tight last night baby. It was always next to my face. If only it was your soft, sweet baby skin that was against my cheek, instead of the blood stain left on the blanket. But it is what I have and I am so grateful for it. I am so grateful for you too.

I miss you,


Sunday, November 21, 2010

Holiday Gift Exchange

I've been meaning to post about this for awhile, but got caught up in the failure of my current pregnancy.

Onto a happier note, Carrie and I decided to organize a holiday gift exchange for babyloss Mom's (and Dad's). The upcoming holiday season is supposed to be the 'the most wonderful time of the year.' But we all know, it's these 'special' times that can really hurt the most. For many of us, the holidays are an incredibly bittersweet time, and a painful reminder of the little one(s) who should be there to celebrate them with us.

We thought that a Holiday Gift Exchange may help to brighten up the holidays for us mamas missing our babies. Participants in the exchange will be matched with another mom and can buy or hand-make their partner something in honor of their baby--an ornament, a special candle, anything! Participating is not only a great way to honor and include your child(ren) this holiday season, but a chance to connect with another mom you may not have 'met' before.

Here are the details of the exchange:

1.) Click here to sign-up.

2.) Sign-up is open until end of day on November 22nd, 2010.

3.) You don't have to celebrate Christmas or any other holiday to participate.

4.) To help with gift ideas, we have asked each mom to tell us what reminds them of their baby(ies).

5.) We are are asking that moms don't spend more than $20.00 (U.S. dollars) so that no mom feels obligated to spend a lot of money.

6.) We will email you your partners' information by November 23rd, 2010.

7.) Please have your gift mailed by December 10th, 2010.

8.) If for some reason your cannot fulfill your obligation, please let Carrie or I know right away, so we can make sure your mommy receives a gift.

9.) Your address will only be shared with the Gift Exchange Coordinators and the mommy you will be matched with.

Thanks so much! Make sure to email Carrie or I with any questions: or

Friday, November 19, 2010

Dear Mommy and Daddy

I saw this letter posted on BCC. The person who posted it said that she got it from the hospital when she had her baby.

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

I know this is a rough time for you so I will be as gentle as I can be. First of all, thank you for so many tears, particularly those shared with another that you love. They are a gift to me, a precious tribute to your investment in us. As you do your mourning, do it at your pace only. Don't let anybody suggest that you do your grief work at someone else's timetable.

Do whatever it takes to face directly the reality of what has happened, even though you may need to pause frequently and yearn for my return. Do this with courage and my blessings. Know that sometimes inertia is the only movement possible. Give your best to keeping a balance between remembering me and renewing your commitments to life.

It's okay with me if you go through minutes, hours and even days not thinking of me. I know that you'll never forget. Losing me and grabbing hold of a new meaning in your life is a delicate art. I'm not sure if one comes before the other or not, maybe it's a combination.

Be with people who accept you as you are. Mention my name out loud and if they don't make hasty retreat, they're probably excellent candidates for friendship.

If, by a remote possiblilty, you think that there is anything you could have done for me and didn't, I forgive you. Resentment does not abide here, only love.

You know how people sometimes ask you how many children you have? Well, I am still yours and you are still my mother. Always acknowledge that with tenderness, unless to do so would fall on insensitive ears or would be painful to you.

I know how you feel inside. Read, even though your tears anoint the pages. In Henri Nowens' book "Out of Solitude" he writes, "the friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair and confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."

I want you to know that I am okay and that I have sent you messages to ease your pain. They come in the form of flowers that bloom out of season, birds singing, voices and visions and sometimes through your friends and even strangers who volunteer as angels.

Stay open but don't expect the overly dramatic. You will get what you need and it may be simple as an internal feeling of peace. You are not crazy, you have been comforted.

Please seek out people bereaved longer than you. They are tellers of truth, and if they have done their grief work, they are an inspiration and a beacon of hope for you.

There are still funny things happening in our world. It delights me to no end to hear your spontaneous laughter.

Mommy and Daddy, I will always be in your heart. Today I will light a candle for you. When you light your candle for me their light will shine above the darkness.

Your Baby
Author unknown

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

More bad news

I think I have lost another baby. I wrote about it on my other blog.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Talking about miscarriage and stillbirth on the Today Show

The Today Show in Australia recently had a segment on stillbirth and miscarriage as a result of Lily Allen's stillbirth. The guests, who have both lost a baby during pregnancy, describe the aftermath so well.

I got this link from Rhiannon's blog 

Friday, November 5, 2010

I have helped someone else

Tonight my friend Anna called. We talked for awhile and then she said that she wanted to let me know that I helped someone today. Her chiropractor has been off work for 2 weeks and Anna assumed that she had the flu or something. When she saw the chiropractor, she asked how she was feeling and her chiro (I'll call her Kim...I'm not sure what her name is) said that she actually lost a baby. Anna responded really well. She asked how far along she was and talked to Kim about it a bit and said that she hadn't been showing at all so she had had no idea that she was pregnant. It was Kim's second pregnancy. She said that Kim is taller and skinnier than I am and Kim said that she didn't show until she was 6 months pregnant with her first. Kim said she had thought that she was about 3 months pregnant, but when the baby was born, it was determined that she had been 20 weeks pregnant and the baby lived for an hour. This only happened 2 weeks ago. Anna told Kim that a close friend of hers lost her baby at the same time in the pregnancy and that I had found alot of resources online. Kim said she had been looking, but hadn't found anything. So Anna got home and took all the links from my Facebook account that she could find and emailed them to Kim. Kim wrote back thanking her. I told Anna that she can give Kim my name and number and that she can call me anytime. I hope that she does. I was given the name and number of a baby loss Mom who I called 5 days after having Jacob and she helped get me through a few tough nights during the first month, helped me to see that my thoughts were normal and showed me that life goes on and you can live a fairly normal life again after losing a baby. I remember looking at Amanda's facebook pictures, taken in the years after she lost Sam, and being amazed that she could be smiling for the pictures and that she looked geniunely happy. I would love it if I could talk to Kim and help her feel understood and not alone.

I told Anna that she helped Kim too. That by saying she was sorry and asking questions and talking about it helped her. It was also really nice of Anna to go through my Facebook profile and pick out links from there to send to her.

I shudder to think of how Kim is feeling right now. The early days after loss are so horrible.

Monday, November 1, 2010

5 months

Dear Jacob,

Today is 5 months since you were born and we held you for the last time. I can’t believe how fast, and how slow, time has passed. I never, ever thought that I would make it this far. Now I have survived 5 months without you and I have survived your due date, both of which seemed impossible just a short while ago.

I just want you to know that we miss you every single day. No one will ever take your place and you will always be a member of our family. A few weeks ago I told your Dad that I want something to represent you in any family pictures that we do. We decided on a Teddy Bear that has your name embroidered on the front.

There is a song that runs through my head almost all the time. It is “Still” by Gerrit Hofsink. I even wake up in the middle of the night and it is running through my head and I feel like I am talking to you as I think of or sing the words.

Music & lyrics: Gerrit Hofsink

I’ve been waiting for you
For such a long time
You’re always on my mind

And I’m lying awake
Most of the night
Waiting to hold you tight

Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
This can’t be true

Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again

Close to my soul
Close to my heart
Right from the start

Lost in time
Lost in space
Can’t wait to see your face

Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
I know it’s true

Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again

Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do
With this pain that I’m going through
But I know one day, God will take me away
And I’m coming home to you

And when I do
And look at you
My heart is healing
I know it’s true

Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again

I miss you so much Jacob.

Gone from our sight,
But never our memories.
Gone from our touch,
But never our hearts.

~Author Unknown~