Sunday, January 1, 2012

19 months

Well, it has now been 19 months since we held Jacob in our arms. It's still hard to understand/believe that it has been so long, but the pain isn't as overwhelming and consuming. He is still missing from our everyday lives and family get togethers, but I know that my family remembers him too and that means a lot.

Last night was New Year's Eve. It wasn't nearly as hard as it was last year, when we were leaving the year that Jacob was conceived and born, his year. But we are getting closer and closer to his second birthday and that is scary.

I re-read my post from January 1, 2010. I knew that New Year's Eve 2010 was really painful, but I forgot just how bad it was and how much I cried. That I carried his bear around and cried over and over again. It was only 7 months since Jacob was born too, so that made it a lot harder. I'm so glad that I started this blog and can look back and see how far I have come.

I got an email from a Grandmother of twin boys that were born in November 2011. She said that she found my blog on Christmas day and that it helped her. And her telling me that helped me. It's so touching that she misses her grandbabies so much. Hard for her, I know, but at least her daughter knows that someone else realizes just how big of a loss they are and how important they are.

I also received a really nice gift from Jennifer, Kai's Mom. Last year, she sent me an ornament for the babies I lost in 2010 - Jacob, August and Cub. This year she sent this year is a similar ornament for Madeline and Emma, the babies I lost in 2011.

She sent the rose for Mother's Day 2011, as a symbol of hope.
The back of Madeline and Emma's ornament has "Loved and Missed Forever
08/30/11" written on each heart. Thank you Jennifer. These items will
always have a special place in my house. 

Elaine also sent me an ornaments for my babies. The creativity of these women is inspiring and their caring touches me more than I can say.

Jacob - we love and miss you always. The passing of time takes you farther away from when we were last able to touch you, but it also brings us closer to you. And there are times when I feel you near. Like when I had to light the candle last night several times before it finally stayed lit. I still talk to you, although not as much as I used to. But you are always on my mind, your ultrasound picture is still up on my desk and you are a constant presence in our lives. You would be 14.5 months old. Imagine that.