Now that I have a living baby, it's even harder to find a balance to living life and enjoying it, while still being sad for Jacob. I don't write here as much and I feel bad about that, but Jacob is mentioned in most of my posts over on my other blog. Our life, usually, is more happiness than sadness now, which is great. Living life in that really dark place isn't any way to live and he wouldn't want us to. But that being said, the sadness is just right there, right under the surface. I don't always know that it is, but a song comes on the radio or a smell or something brings me back to him and the happiness and pain that he brought to our lives.
I get asked almost every day if this is my first, and I almost always say yes and I hate that I do. It is usually strangers in a mall, a grocery store, or a Mom's group that asks and it just feels too hard to say no, that my first died before he was born. Today I was happy, spending the day with my girl. Constantly being grateful for her. Then, after Ted got home and was holding her, I had a shower and was dressing in our room and looked at the ultrasound picture of Jacob and of Emily that we have on our dresser. And it hit me all over again. She is here and he is not and I am so sad that he isn't but I am so grateful that she is. I'm so sad for everything that we have missed with him, that we will never really know what he would have looked like, what his mannerisms and personality would have been like.
I still talk to him sometimes, but not nearly as much as I used to. I walked by his name carved in the sidewalk today and said hi to him, as I always do when I walk by there.
I'm just missing him a lot right now.