Tuesday, May 1, 2012

23 months

Just one more month and it will have be 2 whole years since we held Jacob in our arms. Today I read over some of my earliest blog posts, describing the day I found out he had died and the day he was born, and some I wrote in the 2 months after he was born. I am so glad I wrote in the blog. It helped me then and it still helps me now. I also spent some time today staring at his ultrasound picture, which has been on my desk since I got back to work after he was born. He was so beautiful, so perfect in that picture. Moving all over. I only got that picture because he was hiding his hand throughout the scan so I had to get up, walked around for awhile, then come back. Had he not been hiding his hand that day, I never would have had such a great picture of him.

I don't know what his second birthday will be like yet. I'm not approaching it with the same dread, the same heaviness, that I did his first. But it still hurts and there is still time for it to get worse and I know it will. I still think about him all the time. I still talk to him and I still write his name on the shower door every day when I have a shower.

A few weeks ago, my Mom told me that she bought a quilt from her friend Bev for Jacob when I was pregnant with him. After he died, she just kept it for the next baby, I guess. I told her that I would really like to have it now and she gave it to me a week ago.

It has a Noah's Ark theme.

I turned it over and the back of the blanket couldn't be more perfect.....rainbow.

This blanket will be in Jacob's little sister's room and eventually she will sleep under it. It seems surreal that that might happen one day, but there is a very good chance that it will. 

My Mom gave this to me when I met her, Laurie, Ben and Danny at the mall. We were at a restaurant and after eating, Laurie left the table for a minute. I asked Ben what he did with his friend Drake when they got together a week or so before. He told me the things they did, then said that he had a balloon but it went into the sky to Jacob. My Mom and I sat across from him with our mouths hanging open and looked at each other astonished. Ben said it like it was just the way it is. I don't even understand if and how he really understands who Jacob is. We've explained that Jacob is his cousin and Jacob would have played with him a lot if he hadn't gone to Heaven. From the beginning, Ben has never shown any confusion and he has never even seen Jacob, not even a picture of him. 

Anyway, Laurie got back to the table and I told her what Ben said, trying not to cry as I did. She said that when the balloon got away, Ben was upset so Laurie told him that it was ok, that the balloon was going into the sky to Jacob and Jacob would love playing with it. Ben calmed down right away and was fine with it. A few days later, he had another balloon, which also got away. This time, right away, Ben said that the balloon is going to Jacob to play with. 

About a week ago, my Mom asked if Jacob's cheeks were as chubby as Boh's cheeks look. I said they weren't, but thanked her for bringing Jacob up so easily. There is no awkwardness when his name is said and it doesn't seem like anyone in my family is afraid to bring him up for fear of upsetting me. I love that they do, I love that my Mom asked that question, I love that Laurie talks about Jacob to Ben and Danny. I love that he is always included. I miss him terribly, but I'm so grateful to have had him. 


Emily said...

My mom too bought a quilt for 'the baby' when I was pregnant with Aidan. She gave it to me after Kaia was born. It's nice that the quilt Kaia plays on almost every day was a 'hand me down' from her brother. I wish they could play on it together though...

Drew's Parents said...

Oh, the blanket is beautiful! And so perfect! I love the special moments that you have had with Ben lately. I think it is pretty amazing that he knows so much about Jacob. He will always be his special cousin in Heaven. I hope this next month is gentle and that Emily can bring you smiles through the tears. Jacob was certainly an adorable baby. I love that ultrasound picture and always picture him moving all about. I have found myself staring at Drew's ultrasound quite a bit this past week. I miss these precious babies so incredibly much. I love Jacob, and I love you! xoxo

Mama Jen said...

How perfect is that blanket! I love it. I love that your family talks about Jacob so easily too.

Rhiannon said...

I love the blanket that your mom got for Jacob and I love that his baby sister will get to use it. You have such a special family. Thinking of you and sweet Jacob. <3

The Wellman's said...

What an amazing blanket & gift for Emily!