Thursday, March 1, 2012

21 months

The other day at work, Ted was listening to music and the Irie version of Tears in Heaven (he calls it Jacob's song) came on. He thought he would be ok listening to it, but tears filled his eyes quickly. He told me about it that night and we talked about how it just never goes away. We can go along through the days feeling ok. Thinking about him and missing him, but doing ok. Then something like a song or a smell or just seeing something in a certain way brings us back and the pain is fresh again.

21 months is such a long time and it's still hard to believe that it's been so long since we held our baby boy.

I've been by the garden three times in the past week. I talk to him and sometimes I just sit there and listen to the sounds of the birds and the people and the traffic and the wind and think that this is what his body is surrounded by all the time. I know that he isn't really there, but it's the last place that we held him, even if it was his ashes.

I had a hard time sleeping a few nights ago and moved to the couch so I wouldn't keep Ted awake. I ended up crying over something silly and it quickly turned to crying for Jacob, missing him and thinking of what life would be like if he had lived. It brought me back to the days and nights of crying in the early days, of feeling just horrible emotionally all the time.

Today,, 21 months after Jacob was born, we went to my OB's office for our second appointment with her for this pregnancy. As we sat waiting to see her, I thought of what was happening 21 months ago at the same time. Jacob has just been born and we were holding him, loving him and memorizing him because we knew we wouldn't get to keep him for very long. She stood at the counter for awhile writing a note and I stared at her face, thinking back. Tonight we stopped by the garden and stood silently for a few minutes, both of us talking to Jacob in our heads. Ted said how it is just so sad.

We miss him.


Mama Jen said...

I don't really know what to say except that this post brought tears to my eyes and I miss Jacob with you. I wish he was here, waiting for his younger sibling to be born. Hugs Dana.

Karolinas Mommy said...

Dana - when I first met you, you were the only person who really got that feeling. How you can be living your life one moment and then be brought back to that initial feeling of loss in the next second.

That feeling comes and goes, and I am starting to think it might always truly come and go. I'm at peace with the sadness, because it is apart of me now.

I know my next baby will be surrounded by Karolina's love, as Boh now is with Jacob. Jacob knows he can't come back, but he is doing his best to keep this baby safe and healthy for you and Ted. That is the miracle of this journey. How we want someone so bad to be here right now with us, but the heart has to relearn from time to time that it will never be.

I think there will always be a sad part of your heart, but I think Jacob is sending along a new bundle of joy to replace some of that sadness for you:)

I keep praying here for you, pushing you through each passing week. You are doing a fabulous job Momma!

LauraJane said...

Such a harsh reality to be walking the line between happiness and sadness. :(

car said...

Sending love for you, Ted and Jacob.

Anonymous said...

Sending love to all of you Dana.. and remembering Jacob with you...

Drew's Parents said...

Sweet Jacob <3 I am glad that you have been able to visit the garden so much recently. The warmer than usual weather has been nice. 21 months does seem like a long time...uncomfortably close to 2 years. I couldn't imagine the point when our memories of our babies would start stretching over YEARS. Although time will continue to move on, Jacob and the memories of your time with him will always be close. I am remembering and loving you beautiful son. xoxo