Friday, October 14, 2011

Another due date

Jacob was due on October 14, 2010. Although he probably wouldn't have been born on the 14th, it is still a special day to me.

On October 14, 2010, we found out that I was pregnant with Cub and some happiness entered our lives again. Even though Cub only stayed with us for a short time, he/she will always be remembered too. 

I took the day off work today. I didn't know how I would be feeling and I just wanted to be home. Last night as it got closer to bedtime, the heaviness started to settle in. I fought back the tears because I didn't want to bring Ted down and he always knows when I've been crying.  I kept reliving what happened last October 13th. I had been dreading the 14th for so long and it was almost here. Last year I spent hours writing my blog post for October 14th (Your story). I cried most of my way through writing it. Then I went to bed around 11 and sobbed until midnight. Then I realized I was starving, got some Rice Krispies and ate them in bed. Woke up in the morning, took a pregnancy test and it was positive and our lives changed again. 

Last night I was telling Ted what was happening last year and he asked if he was there when I was crying. I reminded him that I was lying in bed sobbing while he hugged me, then joked that I've done that so often that each episode of that has probably run together for him. He said it sort of has. 

After driving him to work today, I spent some time online and got ready to start Jacob's baby book. I've had it since last May, but hadn't written anything in it until day, mostly because I worried about screwing it up. I even had trouble deciding what colour of ink to use, so I ended up using both (kind of by accident). I didn't come anywhere close to finishing it, but I'm glad I have started it.

Without paying much attention to the time, I decided to have a chocolate cupcake for breakfast (hey, why not?). I decided to put a candle in it and sing Happy Birthday to Jacob. I know it sounds a little crazy to do that, but I also know that the babyloss Mom's will understand. 

Then I lit a candle after (a separate one from the one in the cupcake). As I was lighting it I looked at the time and it was 9am, the same time that Jacob was born. 

I started working on his baby book. I reread my post of Jacob's story from last October 14th, which brought a lot of things back. I stared and stared at the pictures of my belly. I wish I could better remember how it felt.

I left for the garden after about 2 hours (yes, I only got 5 pages into the baby book). 

I am lactose intolerant, but when I was pregnant with Jacob, I wasn't. I clearly remember having a Hot Fudge Sundae form McDonalds one day when I was 4 months pregnant (I know, so healthy...but I only had one). I didn't feel sick at all after, which was a miracle. I also had a Crispy Chicken Sandwich once when I was pregnant with him. So I went to McDonalds and got both items and went to the garden. 

I sat there eating them and talking to him. Then I read him 3 books: Peter Rabbit, a book about butterflies that my family gave Jacob/us at Christmas, and Love You Forever, another book my family gave to Jacob/us at Christmas. I felt a little self-conscious doing it, but it also felt good. I read the inscriptions to him and everything, because I love them even more than I love the books. 

I went to my Mom's for a few hours and then Laurie came by with the kids. I took Ben for the rest of the day. We went to the garden again and I bought Ben an ice cream, which we ate there. Ben knows that Jacob is in the garden. I explained to him again that Jacob is his cousin and that I miss him alot. He knows that Jacob is in Heaven. A few weeks ago he asked me why he is there. I just said that God wanted Jacob to be with him. A few hours later, we were driving and talking about the day and Ben said that he doesn't need Jacob anymore. He didn't say it in a way that made me think that he had ever seen/played with Jacob, but I felt bad when he said it and told him that and had to explain why (Ben is asking "why" about everything). 

We also went in the church to look for something and I saw the minister that was there when I was in labour and the next day. We chatted for a minute then I said Jacob was due on October 14th, that we lost twins in August, etc. He hadn't heard about the twins so he gave his condolences and asked how Ted was. I love it when people to remember to ask about Ted. 

Ben and I had a great time at the park and then throwing stones in the water. Every time I made one skip over the water, Ben wanted to give me a high five. 

As Ben and I walked from place to place, I held his hand. I love the feeling of a child's hand in mine. And everytime I hold Ben's hand, I think of the babies whose hands I will never hold. I wonder if I held Jacob's hand enough. I don't think so. I don't even clearly remember doing it, but I know I did. I remember kissing him a lot, touching his soft belly a lot and rocking him. 

I'm exhausted now. Living in the past is hard. So is living in the present, although it does get easier. 


Drew's Parents said...

Awww Dana, It sounds like you had a very special day for Jacob. I took a lot of time writing in Drew's book too! It takes a lot out emotionally. I like that you had the same foods as you were pregnant and that you read stories to him. I know he enjoyed hearing your voice. <3 It is so nice that you can have such special moments with Ben. A child's hand is so delicate yet their grasp is so powerful. I am sure Jacob felt the tenderness and love in your touch. He loves you so much. I wish this day was a happier one for you. May the wonderful memories Jacob gave you bring you some peace. I love you and your babies so much!

Angela said...

I love that you did so much for Jacob. I think it takes courage to do what you need to do, to make it through, to remember, to feel your baby close. I admire you for finding that strength and courage within yourself. Love you, love your babies.

Danae said...

Such a special day for Jacob, and I am glad you took the day just for him.

It is hard to work on the baby book...I have filled out most of Bailey's, but there are still pieces that I need to complete. I also want to finish her scrapbook (who am I kidding...I need to start it more than gathering things), but still, I am not emotionally ready for that. Maybe someday soon I can gather up the courage to gather everything and work on it.

But, it is exhausting to relive everything.

Thinking of you, Jacob, August, Cub, and your twins today and every day.

Violet1122 said...

I am so glad you are working on Jacob's book. After my 3rd baby, I made a little book - and I found it so helpful and calming. I hope the book you are making Jacob brings you some peace, too.

Thinking of you, your husband, Jacob, August, Cub and the Twins...

car said...

It sounds like your day remembering Jacob was as good a day as you could have made it. I think reading to him in the garden is a wonderful thing to do.

5 pages into the baby book is a great start. You want to write the perfect thing for Jacob on every page and that takes time.

Patty said...

the cupcake and the song are so sweet. i also found out about my Juno the day after Joey's bday... i could've taken the test on her bday but didn't want to be distracted by a possible negative. you are a loving mother...