Another due date

Jacob was due on October 14, 2010. Although he probably wouldn't have been born on the 14th, it is still a special day to me.

On October 14, 2010, we found out that I was pregnant with Cub and some happiness entered our lives again. Even though Cub only stayed with us for a short time, he/she will always be remembered too. 

I took the day off work today. I didn't know how I would be feeling and I just wanted to be home. Last night as it got closer to bedtime, the heaviness started to settle in. I fought back the tears because I didn't want to bring Ted down and he always knows when I've been crying.  I kept reliving what happened last October 13th. I had been dreading the 14th for so long and it was almost here. Last year I spent hours writing my blog post for October 14th (Your story). I cried most of my way through writing it. Then I went to bed around 11 and sobbed until midnight. Then I realized I was starving, got some Rice Krispies and ate them in bed. Woke up in the morning, took a pregnancy test and it was positive and our lives changed again. 

Last night I was telling Ted what was happening last year and he asked if he was there when I was crying. I reminded him that I was lying in bed sobbing while he hugged me, then joked that I've done that so often that each episode of that has probably run together for him. He said it sort of has. 

After driving him to work today, I spent some time online and got ready to start Jacob's baby book. I've had it since last May, but hadn't written anything in it until day, mostly because I worried about screwing it up. I even had trouble deciding what colour of ink to use, so I ended up using both (kind of by accident). I didn't come anywhere close to finishing it, but I'm glad I have started it.

Without paying much attention to the time, I decided to have a chocolate cupcake for breakfast (hey, why not?). I decided to put a candle in it and sing Happy Birthday to Jacob. I know it sounds a little crazy to do that, but I also know that the babyloss Mom's will understand. 

Then I lit a candle after (a separate one from the one in the cupcake). As I was lighting it I looked at the time and it was 9am, the same time that Jacob was born. 

I started working on his baby book. I reread my post of Jacob's story from last October 14th, which brought a lot of things back. I stared and stared at the pictures of my belly. I wish I could better remember how it felt.

I left for the garden after about 2 hours (yes, I only got 5 pages into the baby book). 

I am lactose intolerant, but when I was pregnant with Jacob, I wasn't. I clearly remember having a Hot Fudge Sundae form McDonalds one day when I was 4 months pregnant (I know, so healthy...but I only had one). I didn't feel sick at all after, which was a miracle. I also had a Crispy Chicken Sandwich once when I was pregnant with him. So I went to McDonalds and got both items and went to the garden. 

I sat there eating them and talking to him. Then I read him 3 books: Peter Rabbit, a book about butterflies that my family gave Jacob/us at Christmas, and Love You Forever, another book my family gave to Jacob/us at Christmas. I felt a little self-conscious doing it, but it also felt good. I read the inscriptions to him and everything, because I love them even more than I love the books. 

I went to my Mom's for a few hours and then Laurie came by with the kids. I took Ben for the rest of the day. We went to the garden again and I bought Ben an ice cream, which we ate there. Ben knows that Jacob is in the garden. I explained to him again that Jacob is his cousin and that I miss him alot. He knows that Jacob is in Heaven. A few weeks ago he asked me why he is there. I just said that God wanted Jacob to be with him. A few hours later, we were driving and talking about the day and Ben said that he doesn't need Jacob anymore. He didn't say it in a way that made me think that he had ever seen/played with Jacob, but I felt bad when he said it and told him that and had to explain why (Ben is asking "why" about everything). 

We also went in the church to look for something and I saw the minister that was there when I was in labour and the next day. We chatted for a minute then I said Jacob was due on October 14th, that we lost twins in August, etc. He hadn't heard about the twins so he gave his condolences and asked how Ted was. I love it when people to remember to ask about Ted. 

Ben and I had a great time at the park and then throwing stones in the water. Every time I made one skip over the water, Ben wanted to give me a high five. 

As Ben and I walked from place to place, I held his hand. I love the feeling of a child's hand in mine. And everytime I hold Ben's hand, I think of the babies whose hands I will never hold. I wonder if I held Jacob's hand enough. I don't think so. I don't even clearly remember doing it, but I know I did. I remember kissing him a lot, touching his soft belly a lot and rocking him. 

I'm exhausted now. Living in the past is hard. So is living in the present, although it does get easier.