His name in the garden

When we buried Jacob in the Memorial Garden at our church, the one thing that bothered me (aside from the fact that we had a baby to bury in the first place) was that there was nothing there with his name on it. Inside the church is a book with the names of those buried there, but it is in a glass case and the pages are turned each month to the corresponding month in the book. I haven't even seen his name in it yet.

My Mom told me that someone at the church was working on getting a plaque up so that names could be engraved but then I didn't hear anything for a year or more. Last summer, we found out that it was happening and it made me happy. I've had 2 letters about it since, about the dedication ceremony, but just found out on Easter Sunday that his name was there. Ted found it. We both touched his name with our fingers. It was hard not to cry.

I go to the church about once or twice a week but I don't usually stop in the garden because I have three kids with me and it was freezing cold. I always look in and say hi to him though. So I don't know how long his name has been there and I feel guilty/sad about that.

It was/is so bittersweet to see it. I stared at this picture and listened to a babyloss song for the first time since I was pregnant with Emily. It is hard to listen to that music again. I used to listen to it all the time. I was sad all the time.

I think about Jacob so many times a day, I can't even guess how many times.