Song for a Winter's Night

Ted and I heard this song while driving today. And we felt so sad. We feel so sad. 


We miss them so much. I'm looking at pictures of Jacob and the belly I had with him as I listen to this. Sometimes I don't know how I have survived losing him and then losing his siblings. 

The lamp is burnin' low upon my table top
The snow is softly falling
The air is still in the silence of my room
I hear your voice softly calling

If I could only have you near
To breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
On this winter night with you

The smoke is rising in the shadows overhead
My glass is almost empty
I read again between the lines upon each page
The words of love you sent me

If I could know within my heart
That you were lonely too
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
On this winter night with you

The fire is dying now, my lamp is growing dim
The shades of night are lifting
The morning light steals across my window pane
Where webs of snow are drifting

If I could only have you near
To breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
On this winter night with you
And to be once again with you

Christmas Ornaments

I've been meaning to get this blog post and these pictures up for awhile.

I have been lucky enough to go to 2 Face2Face meetings in the past 2 weeks.

The first was the Toronto West meeting at Jackie's shop on November 11th. I had been talking to Jennifer over Facebook for a week or so and got to meet her in person for the first time, which was really nice. I also got to meet Lisa for the first time. I always feel an instant connection with other babyloss Mom's. I realized yesterday that I've known Jackie for a year now. We first chatted on Facebook around this time last year when I was at my Mom's house after she broke her ankle and before I miscarried Cub. Jackie has made such a difference in my life and I feel so privileged to know her.

We made some Christmas ornaments that night. The only thing I like about Christmas this year is making ornaments for my babies. Christmas isn't as painful as it was last year, but it still hurts and I'd be happy to just go away over the holidays and come back when they are done. Anyway, here are some pictures of the ornaments made at that meeting:

Jackie helped with some of these. She is so artistic and creative. I didn't trust myself to use the wood-burning tool to inscribe Cub's name on the tree without messing it up, so Jackie did it. She also pretty much did the ornament for August, I just chose the shell and the ribbon. 

On November 19th, we went to Akemi's shop to make more ornaments. I met Jennifer on the GO train and we went together. We spent 4 hours there, making ornaments the whole time and talking. I met Valerie for the first time and got to learn about her little girl Sophie. I've known Akemi since the summer, but never got much of a chance to have a good talk with her so it was nice doing that. 

These were harder to make than I thought. Akemi had so many materials to work with, it was hard to decide on what to use. I'm pretty happy with how these turned out. I have some ribbon to attach when I actually put them on a tree, I just haven't attached it yet.

I also went to a memorial service for lost babies on Tuesday night. Jackie told me about it. It was a very nice ceremony and the woman who organized it was very welcoming (she lost a baby girl 25 years ago). It was at a Catholic church and was a mass. I haven't been to a Catholic Mass since I was 10, when I went to a Catholic school because I was in French Immersion and they only had it at Catholic schools. So on Tuesday I was worried that I would do something wrong, that I wouldn't follow the correct protocol. I think I did OK, although looking back I can see a few times when I didn't do something right. I hope it wasn't claringly obvious to anyone.

For all of the people who were there for the first time, there was a candle at the front for each baby that you would go and light. Because Ted didn't want to come (he doesn't like these ceremonies as he just feels so sad at them), I went up by myself. I had to ask Jackie which one the Paschal candle is, as that is what we were supposed to light our taper candle from to light the babies candles. I was glad that there was one family before me so I could see exactly what they did and copy it. The priest read each of my babies names and I lit each candle after he did.

The candle I used to light the other candles

There was a communion and I didn't know what to do about that. When I was in elementary school, we went to church every Friday and the non-Catholic kids didn't go up for communion. At one point, the priest invited everyone to the altar and I thought that was when the communion was going to take place so I didn't go up (3 other people didn't go up either). It turns out they just went up and he said a few works and people shook each others hands. Then they all sat down and the priest came down and said that he was going to start communion and if you didn't want communion, cross your hands over your chest and he would give you a blessing. Well, I felt like a bit of a jerk for going up for a blessing when I didn't go up to the altar before, but I figure I need all the help I can get so I went up anyway.

After the ceremony, new families went up the front to pick up some items that were made for their babies.

2011 Holiday Gift Exchange

Carrie and I are organizing a gift exchange again this year. It is open to Mom's, Dad's and siblings of lost babies. 

The upcoming holiday season is supposed to be ‘the most wonderful time of the year.’ But we all know, it’s these ‘special’ times that can really hurt the most. For many of us, the holidays are an incredibly bittersweet time, and a painful reminder of the little one(s) who should be there to celebrate them with us.

We hope this gift exchange will help brighten up the holidays for those of us missing our babies. Participants in the exchange will be matched with another Mom, Dad or sibling and can buy or hand-make their partner something in honor of their baby–an ornament, a special candle, anything! Participating is not only a great way to honor and include your child(ren) this holiday season, but a chance to connect with someone you may not have ‘met’ before.

Here are the details of the exchange:

1.)  Click here to sign-up, or fill out the form at the bottom of this post.

2.) Sign-up is open until November 25, 2011.

3.) You don’t have to celebrate Christmas or any other holiday to participate.

4.) To help with gift ideas, we ask you to tell us what reminds you of your baby(ies).

5.) We are asking that you don’t spend more than $20.00 so that no one feels obligated
to spend a lot of money.

6.) We will email you your partners’ information by November 28 2011.

7.) Please have your gift mailed by December 10, 2011.

8.) If for some reason your cannot fulfill your obligation, please let me or Carrie know right away, so we can make sure your partner receives a gift.

9.) Your address will only be shared with the Gift Exchange Coordinators and the person you will be matched with.

If you have any questions, leave a comment here or email me or Carrie. 

Memories Above the Clouds - By Ted

Ted went to Ottawa overnight last week. When we spoke on the phone, he said that he had thought about Jacob a lot on the flight there, but wanted to write down his thoughts rather than tell me. 

Here is what he wrote today. I was in tears reading it. 

As I flew from Toronto to Ottawa for a conference, I could not seem to relax as the plane increased it’s altitude to break through the clouds. As the plane raised above the clouds, my first thought was “Jacob are you here? Are you keeping me company or playing among the other children of heaven? Are you calling me? As my eyes searched the clouds for his image, his reflection or some indication that he was or is here, my heart  and emotions braced for yet another disappointment.

Then it hit me…………………Ahhhhhhh…. That comforting feeling that I am once again close to him physically. The same feeling as the day he came into our lives and then was taken away. I then relaxed, eased back into my seat and whispered his name several times. This made me feel better and closer to him, as if he was waiting for me to call him forth. 

With my eyes peering across the bright clouded horizon, I spoke comforting words to him, telling him how much I love him and miss him. This was a very special moment for me. I felt him acknowledging my words and sending his love back. In my heart I’m sure he’s telling us how much he loves us and wishes he could have stayed (my little boy is saying “tell mommy I’m sorry and not to cry”). 

As the plane started it’s descent to Ottawa, I knew we didn’t have much time until the distance will separate us once again. Descending through the clouds, I searched for his image, a clouded silhouette of him, but nothing formed as I returned to the reality of living without my Jacob.

Now, reflecting back to the time I had with Jacob above the clouds, those are moments I can cherish. Moments of being physically close to my baby once again.

Spoken Word Blog Hop

Here is my post for Angie at Still Life with Circles Spoken Word blog hop. I finally figured out a way to make it load. 

17 Months

Another anniversary, which has fallen on a Tuesday, the day of the week that Jacob was born.

I had a very nice dinner with a new friend tonight. Three hours went by so quickly. I feel like I have known her for a long time, but I don't think that it has even been a month. I was so glad to meet with her tonight, since today is a significant day and I knew I would just come home and listen to baby loss music, which isn't always a good idea. I did hear "If I Die Young" on the radio on the way to dinner tonight, which was nice. I'm always scanning the stations just hoping for that song.

Today is doubly sad. Jacob's anniversary and thinking of what was happening this time last year. I was pregnant with Cub. I thought Cub was probably OK. I was worried, but hopeful. We only had one good week left together before the bad news was delivered.

And today I would have been 20 weeks and 5 days pregnant with the twins, just as I was with Jacob the day he was born (I'm not keeping track of where I should be that closely, but the pregnancy app on my ipod told me that today is that day).

I did a video reading 2 blog posts as part of Angie's Still Life With Circles spoken word blog hop, but I can't get the video to load, so I'll have to work on that another day.

Ted had to have dinner tonight with a group of coworkers, which normally isn't bad. But one of them is about 7-8 months pregnant and he said there was a lot of belly rubbing and baby talk going on and it was really hard. I feel so badly for him. He has to work with this woman all day tomorrow too. I hate to think of what he is going through. He told me that on the way to the conference he is at, he thought a lot about Jacob on the plane, but he wants to write about it on his own blog before he tells me about it, as he just needs to write it down and work through it.

I have to go to bed. I'll be curling up with Jacob's blanket tonight, wishing for the impossible.

October 15th

This October 15th, I went to a memorial ceremony for lost babies at Trillium Hospital. My good friend Jackie got the hospital to do the service, after a few years of trying. And it was so nice and touching and sad.  

I was the first one there and met Kevin, the social worker that Jackie has been working with and 2 other women who work at the hospital and were helping with the ceremony. Then the other Mom's, Dad's and sibling started to arrive. I felt like it was a reunion with friends I haven't seen in a long time, although it was less than a month since I had seen most of them. It just feels so good to be with people like me. We all hugged each other and even the hugs seem different than a hug does from a "normal" person. There is shared pain and strength in those hugs. 

The ceremony was beautiful and Jackie wrote such an amazing speech about her spirit boy, Oscar. That is when I started to cry. Here it is:

Two of the greatest mysteries of all are birth and death….for

us here today, those mortal adventures have happened all at once…..to our

children. Since grieving is a form of love, and we are parents, the grief is

bottomless, shapeless, and timeless.

His name is Oscar Solo, and he was born upstairs, in room 6, sleeping at 9 months….he is permanently 7.5 pounds, 22 inches of lifeless

perfection, and he is my son.

The silence was thick, and the terror was crushing, but, the love in that room, that day was intense. Fate forced us to live his entire lifetime with him in just 7 hours…..his hand,

holding mine, taking in every hypnotic smell from him. Tranced in horror and love, I said goodbye to his body, and to my partial spirit, and left these hospital doors clutching on to a box of Kleenex, instead of my boy.

I am now 3 and a half years into my grief journey, and only now, at this distance, can I begin to understand the trauma I was hit with that day. The loss of someone very unreplaceable, unrepeatable and uncomparable.  Someone I love and miss with all my might….a son, and a brother…I mourn him, and the families he would have started on his own….I mourn that he is parentless, that he never tasted his breast milk that came in for 21 months after….that I never got brush silly curls out of his eyes, watch him play soccer with his dad and brothers, or read him “Goodnight Moon” before bed. I don’t know if he is left handed like his brother, or right handed like his sister……all of these “don’t knows” engulfed me, and spit me out into a

shoreless sea……

Babyloss is painfully isolating…..we are still proud parents, regardless, and there is nowhere to go, nowhere to share the beautiful memories of our pregnancies, or to relive the labour, or to describe the soul-stirring of having them placed in our arms for the first and last time.

Friends and family disappear in all awkwardness…. afraid to talk about it, to remind us….. but, truth is, they are never, not for a single instance forgotten……always swirling around in our minds, patiently waiting to hear mention of their name….yes, we will cry…love and pain is the chemistry of tears. Allow us that, allow us the time to express the gapping hole running right

through us….we cannot rush through the grief, cannot go around the pain…..the work is hard, physical, and exhausting. We must go through the pain, into the eye of it, to find, again,  our own private connection with that little womb-dancer…and to work on the beliefs that

we will find out why this has happened to us, and to make some sense of why they were given and taken…… and, above all, that they will fit perfectly back into our arms again.

We are all parents….the trick is to work out how to parent the sky babies from such a distance, but it can, has, and will be done….i wish you all strength, peace, and grounding focus….i mourn for your every loss, very deeply, and wish you friendship in this horrific time….and I thank you for all the times you have shared your child with me, the stories, and photos. Remember I am grateful if you’ve  allowed me to share Oscar with you…a kind word or compliment of him is never forgotten.

Please find ways to continue survival of this ultimate loss, but, never feel you are alone…..and its okay to cry. Fino cielo, Oscar.

She is such a beautiful writer, person, friend and Mother. 

Kevin, Jackie's nurse, a chaplain and one of the women I saw when I first got there all went up and spoke and/or read a poem. Then it was our turn to go up and say our babies' names. I went up 3rd or 4th and said that I was there to remember my son Jacob who was stillborn on June 1, 2010 due to amniotic band syndrome. I said how much we wanted him and how we remember him always, love him and miss him everyday. I also said that I was there for the babies I lost through miscarriage - August, Cub, Madeline and Emma Grace. After I sat down, I thought of more things I wanted to say. That Jacob was our dream come true. That we had never felt so much happiness in our lives as we did when he was with us, that as much as we hurt that he is gone, I feel so lucky that I get to be his Mom, that I got him. That August, Cub, Madeline and Emma Grace brought some happiness back to our lives and we often think of what life would be like if they had been able to stay. 

As we left the podium, we were handed a rose for each baby that we lost. 

We all had little plastic candles with LED lights and held them throughout. When I was up saying my babies' names, I noticed a nurse at the back of the room who hadn't been there before. When I looked back a few minutes later she was gone. Was she there for the babies she has seen born that didn't make it, or did she lose one? 

There was some tea, coffee and cookies for us after and I stayed for about an hour talking to babyloss Mom's and Dad's. I saw an 11 year old girl sitting in a chair crying, then she brought out a photo album and looked through it, still crying. I knew they were pictures of her little brother, born sleeping 3 years ago. I asked to look at them and he is so beautiful. There are moments when it just hits me and it all seems so wrong. Here was this beautiful, perfect baby...just not breathing. 


Afterwards Jackie and I were going to the room where Oscar was born. I have been wanting to see it for awhile. Unfortunately we couldn't get onto the L&D floor because it was 9pm and access is restricted then. Hopefully I will get to see it soon. 


I should be 19 weeks pregnant with Madeline and Emma Grace right now. It hurts so much that I'm not.